SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So a year ago, I found out my wife had an affair after a decade of marriage, i didn't know to what extent. Because we have a daughter and financial constraints, I decided to move on. Something triggered me and now I wanted to know the story from her mouth. I felt like she was telling the story with fondness. I was breaking down as the story went on because this was not a just a physical thing, they had a deep emotional connection. Once she got to the part where she said she went to the hotel and she had sex, I bawled like a baby. I'm not able to take what happened. It's been few days now, every minute I'm replaying the betrayal in my head, she made deep connection to this guy is what's killing me the most. I don't know how to recover from this and I'm not in a place where I can just abandon this marriage. The pain is like a knife going my heart every minute.

Sorry you had to seek us out — and I understand the initial shock and pain of it all.

It can take 2-5 years to heal from the trauma of infidelity.

There is a book by Linda J. McDonald, How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair that I highly suggest your wife reads, so she can get a hint of how much pain you’re dealing with.

For now, self-care is huge. Drink lots of water, sleep when you can and be kind to yourself.

You said you don’t want to abandon your M, but at some point soon, you should at least consult an attorney to review your legal options.

You have time to figure out if your wife can be a safe partner or not, and if she still sees the A as something positive, that’s not a great start.

I’m really sorry you’re hurting Revpab.

To add to Oldwounds suggestions, I’d say make sure you get physical exercise. Low intensity exercise reduces cortisol which will make you feel calmer. It will also help you sleep. Don’t forget to eat.

Can you say a little more about what you two have been doing to address the affair since DDay? How do you know the A is over? How did she respond to your breakdown when she told you the story?

Know this: you can recover from this, and the more proactive you are the sooner that will happen. I’m concerned that you guys just rugswept the affair for the past year, and all this bottled up emotion has come erupting out now.

Can you also say more about why you can’t end the marriage? And why you chose the word "abandon"? From my perspective, you wouldn’t be abandoning a damn thing. She ended the marriage when she betrayed you.

I walk as a exercise every day. All that has been done since d-day is she tries to be more transparent with me and less argumentative with me. I know the A is over because she found out he had another side piece and she couldn't handle that betrayal and ended it. I found out after the fact. She brokedown too with me. I can't end out marriage because we have a daughter and I don't want separate homes. Also financial complications.

That doesn’t sound like a great situation.

She "tries" to me "more" transparent and "less" argumentative?

She ended her relationship with her AP because of his "betrayal" but doesn’t want you to end your relationship with her over hers?

She still views the A fondly?

Has she taken complete responsibility for her A, or does she minimize, blame and deflect?

Do you think she actually wants to be married to you?

I’m not seeing a lot of evidence of real remorse here. I would want her to be getting therapy so she can understand why she gave herself permission to cheat. She should be trying to figure out her "whys" so that she can address those behaviors to avoid this happening again. She should be COMPLETELY transparent, not "trying" to be "more". I would be looking for genuine empathy from her, at all times. I would be looking for her to be actively trying to fix things, like reading books on recovery, getting counseling, not to mention checking-in with how you are doing and reassuring you.

I think being able to stay for the kids is great and worth the effort.

But that only applies if you guys can create a stable and happy environment for her. If you’re miserable, there’s lot of arguing and not a safe and loving environment, then you’re not actually doing your daughter any favors. Kids pick up on these dynamics. You can’t stay for the kids no matter what the cost. What would your home be like if she cheated again?

There are lots of articles in the Healing Library that can help you.

I am so sorry for your pain. You have gotten good advice- please read in the Just Found Out forum and look for the posts pinned and with bullseyes for more great information.

We can’t tell you if your marriage will survive, but we do know that it can only survive if you both don’t sweep this under the rug. Your WS needs to get into IC and dig into why she cheated. And then work for YEARS to fix whatever character flaw or hole in her psyche that she used to justify her actions. This all takes time to really do it.

As for you, please be gentle with yourself. Have you been STD/STI tested? Are you in IC?

You may have financial issues, but those may not be forever. You can hope to R but plan for your future - get your ducks in a row.
And do not immediately take D off the table. You need to have the healthiest environment for your child and that is not always in a M if it is not a happy healthy M.

Hang in there- you can get through this. It sucks but you are strong. You can do it.

Rev-

If you take ANYTHING at all from this thread — and that is don’t try to bury this thing and hope to move on.

All of this pain, shock and sadness will absolutely become resentment.

Kids pick up on parental pain — so staying and being miserable doesn’t help them.

You’re aiming to be the stand up guy, the honorable father, and you are all that. Don’t suffer more just to hold this thing together.

If your wife isn’t working to help keep the M together, leave all options on the table.

It will be overwhelming to begin with (you already know that), but as anyone here can attest, we are far stronger than we thought getting through this unique Hell.

If it makes you feel any better Revpab, it doesn’t seem to me like their emotional connection was all that real or particularly deep.

Affairs are mostly based on fantasy. Your WW had some imaginary vision of who her AP was, and what they had together. That’s a fact pattern that repeats over and over again. It’s why so many relationships that begin as affairs fail - they can’t survive contact with reality. The AP your WW had in her head was never real, and neither was their connection, as evidenced by the fact that she wasn’t even his only girl.

If she goes to IC and is able to take a clear-eyed look at herself and what happened, she will see that. But she has to do the work to get there.

She says I wasn't affectionate and caring enough and she got what was missing all these years with him. she is generally remorseful but when I get triggered sometimes, she blames me for all this when we get into an argument.

Be glad You got the truth this quickly, some never get anything even remotely like honestly after decades.

Did You get STD tested, a polygraph for Your WW, most WW will omit and minimize.

Sorry

She says I wasn't affectionate and caring enough and she got what was missing all these years with him. she is generally remorseful but when I get triggered sometimes, she blames me for all this when we get into an argument.

You need to understand that this isn't your fault. One of the very first things my wife said on to me on confrontation was "what did you expect me to do?" That cut me like a knife. I said "not sleep with someone else!" but I took that in and blamed myself. I know how you feel.

What I realized tho, is that there is no justification for cheating. There just isn't. It doesn't matter what shape your marriage was in. She had a whole slew of other options that didn't include having an affair. She could have communicated with you. She could have told you she wasn't happy. She could have filed for divorce. While the latter probably wouldn't have been desirable it would at least have given you an opportunity to work on some issues without the betrayal. Filing for divorce doesn't always mean getting one. The process takes time and can be paused or stopped at any point until finalized.

Do not accept any blame or responsibility for her choices. Her choices. That's plural because conducting an affair requires hundreds of little choices along the way. She could have backed out at any time and turned toward your marriage instead of away from it. This is 100% on her. Not you. Her saying that is deflection and blame shifting. She needs to own her choices and stop trying to shift the blame on you. You did not force her to go to a hotel with another man.

I know you're hurting. My wife ended up in a hotel with someone and blamed me at first, too. I put up with it for a month until I reached my breaking point and started calling divorce lawyers, setting up consultations right in front of her. She broke down and begged me to not go through with it, accepted full responsibility, and completely changed her tune. That was about 15 months ago for me and she's been very consistent ever since.

I decided there were worse things than divorce. Living with the pain of infidelity with a remorseless wife was one of them. Making those calls was the best thing I could have done to snap her out of it and start really working to fix what she had broken. There's a saying here. Sometimes to save a marriage you have to be willing to let it go. I meant it when I made those calls and she knew it. It wasn't a bluff.

I don't know what your wife might do if you follow my tack, but if you do it you need to mean it. Don't use it as a bluff because backing down if she calls it would likely just blow up in your face. If she doesn't change her attitude, stop blaming you for her choices, and turn toward the marriage you have to decide if you want to keep the status quo or if you want to change your situation.

I'm sorry you've found yourself here, but this is a good group and we understand what you're going through. Keep posting. Ask any questions or just use us to vent to if you need it. We have your back. You're not alone and you've been heard.

"Generally remorseful" is not remorseful. Especially when she stops being remorseful when you trigger.

Pretty obvious to see what’s at play there. You trigger, get upset, and she can’t face it, can’t really own up to what she’s done. So she puts it back onto you to spare herself the guilt and shame. She lashes out and hurts you further, telling you that you’re the author of your own betrayal.

Besides just being a generally fucked up thing to do to someone, you can’t accept it. You can’t accept it for the simple practical reason that if it’s "true", at least in her mind, then you will never be safe. Do you see that? You’ll always be exposed to her having another affair based on whether or not she thinks you’re being a good enough husband. Right? You better dance to her tune, or you’ll earn yourself another betrayal. Do you get the implications of what she’s telling you?

I know you don’t want your daughter to grow up in a broken home, and I applaud that. But if that’s what you’re dealing with and she can’t or won’t learn how messed up and wrong, how wayward, that thinking is, you can’t reconcile safely.

You should meet with those lawyers like Oldwounds mentioned. Learn the facts about what that might look like before you say it’s impossible.

Lots of good advice. She's blameshhifting. Its common. Nothing you did or didn't do in your M caused her to betray her wedding vows. She did it because she is broken. She should seek IC to work on her brokenness. Is she?

Always value yourself. Do not accept any blame for her actions. Millions of people go through life everyday feeling ignored, disconnected, or unloved in their M, and they never cheat. Why? Because they made a vow to be faithful.
Watch her actions and not her words. Good luuck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:19 AM, Sunday, August 9th]