7m46s (original poster member #86651) posted at 3:43 PM on Wednesday, August 5th, 2026
It was only a matter of time, but when it finally happened, I was completely frozen: I ran into my WH’s AP. And her BS. It happened during the break of an event, and I was there alone. Instead of walking past them with my head held high or looking her in the eye, I spent the entire break wandering around like a kicked dog.
My first instinct was simply to get away. But my next thought was: I’m not going to let her ruin this event for me. And yet, I ended up crying through the rest of the evening. It was just horrible seeing her standing there, fully real and physically present. That was so different from all the abstract thoughts I’d had over the past months.
This was already two weeks ago, but ever since then I’ve been having nightmares every night. In every single one of them, I act out my negative feelings physically: I push her, hit her, or scratch her face.
It’s destroying me that I have no control over this. And that she still has power over me.
Have any of you experienced something like this? How did you deal with it?
CantBeMeEither ( member #83223) posted at 4:21 PM on Wednesday, August 5th, 2026
Wow, what an ambush. Don't beat yourself up over how you reacted. Your reaction was perfectly normal. You struggled through it, and made it. Doesn't matter how you get over the finish line, you stayed and that's a win.
And maybe the nightmares aren't that she has power over you still, maybe it's more like an immuno-response that will pass. Like a fever burning up the virus.
NoThanksForTheMemories ( member #83278) posted at 5:22 AM on Thursday, August 6th, 2026
I haven't experienced this, but I live in the same city as AP, so it's possible, and at some of the large public events (like movies at the park), I wonder if I might encounter her. I am a nonviolent person in practice, but the only time I've had the urge to hit someone was the idea of seeing AP in the immediate months after DDay.
I don't think 2 weeks is much time to get over a shock and a trigger like that. Go back to your basics: find ways to remind your nervous system that you are safe from her. Let the emotions flow through you rather than fighting them. Spend 5-10 minutes being actively mindful of your surroundings (5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, etc.). Get enough exercise so that you can sleep well. And also, forgive yourself for the nightmares. Our instincts come from an ancient time. It's okay to have the feelings as long as you aren't acting upon them.
How are things with your WH? Is he aware of what happened? Is he understanding and empathetic to your reaction and nightmares? If he's avoiding dealing with it, or if you haven't told him, that repression is going to make the situation worse for you.
WS had a 3 yr EA+PA from 2020-2022, and an EA 10 years ago (different AP). Dday1 Nov 2022. Dday4 Sep 2023. False R for 2.5 months. 30 years together. Divorcing.
7m46s (original poster member #86651) posted at 9:31 AM on Thursday, August 6th, 2026
CantBeMeEither
And maybe the nightmares aren't that she has power over you still, maybe it's more like an immuno-response that will pass.
I hope you are right!
NoThanksForTheMemories
I used to do mindfulness excercises in my IC but after some time started skipping it. You are absolutely right that this could help right now. Thanks for reminding me!
As for my WH: We'd actually had a fight before the event. But the moment he found out what had happened, all of that just disappeared. He was incredibly empathetic and immediately told me how sorry he was that I had to go through that on my own.
(I have to admit, though, I was kind of relieved that the AP didn't get another chance to feast her greedy eyes on him that way...)
We talked a lot about how seeing her was literally the physical embodiment of the affair, and what that did to me emotionally.
