SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a SAHM with two girls, ages 5 & 6. I have been married for almost 10 years, and while my husband has "dabbled" on dating sites over the years, he finally turned virtual into reality, by meeting with a woman and being intimate. And I hate him for it.

Yes, I probably should have left years ago, at the first sign. But I had a toddler and a newborn at the time, and with his major anger issues, I couldn't risk him having 1/2 custody of such young kids. So I mentally compartmentalized and raised our kids, cooked, cleaned, and helped him run his business - without pay.

I never rejected sex from him, except for when I could barely keep my eyes open. In fact, I rarely said "No" to him about anything. He was able to go wherever, whenever, while I kept the fort down. I stood by his side when he didn't have a penny to his name, and I even paid/helped him through the U.S. immigration process.

I even sacrificed my career and financial independence because he didn't want to be a stay-at-home-dad. Now, I cannot even leave or retain a lawyer, because I have absolutely no access to money. I have been looking for jobs that would work around their school schedule in the fall, but most jobs ask for references from prior employers, and I cannot even get that, because he forced me to quit my last job without notice.

I am just stuck in the home, caring for our kids alone. He goes to work and then spends all of his free time outside or on the phone with friends. He goes and spends money and shows his friends what a fabulous life he has, while I am at home cooking meals and trying to figure out how to make $30 last.

The kids can tell that something is up, and so they are acting up a lot. And because they don't feel emotionally safe with him, they save all of their tantrums for me. So that just adds another layer of stress.

I am just so angry at him. I feel like he used me and spit me out. And in the end, he just talks about how hurt HE is and how lonely HE is. I know that life isn't fair. I was never born with a gold spoon in my mouth. But to be betrayed by someone you vowed forever with - it just sucks.

you can get a lawyer - tell them about the money situation and they have ways to get paid from your marital share. You can also use household income to apply for a credit card solely in your name while you are married. Having no access to money like this is financial abuse. I'm sorry OP. You can look up The Hotline for support and guidance in making your plan to leave abuse.

catndog, that sounds like a terrible situation. Pain leads to anger, so it's understandable that you're angry about all of this.

Often we feel trapped when we can't see a way out of difficult circumstances, but usually there are ways that we don't realize. Many divorce lawyers offer free consultations. I urge you to call around until you find a few who do and then meet them. I think you'll discover that some of what your WS (Wayward Spouse) is doing is abusive, including keeping account information and money away from you. You might be entitled to a lot more than you think if you leave him.

If you're afraid for your safety, contact some local domestic shelters. Even if you don't need a place to stay, they can point you to local resources who can help you or advise you on the safest way to proceed.

As for his so-called hurt and loneliness, he's DARVO-ing you, which is another common abuse tactic. He's trying to turn himself into the victim so you feel guilty. It's a way of keeping you under control and a way for him to avoid taking responsibility for his actions.

I'm glad you have started looking for a job. It takes a lot of courage and strength to look for ways out, and you've taken a few steps. Don't give up!

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 11:29 PM, Saturday, June 6th]

I'm so sorry you are in this mess.

Do you have family/friends who could help you get out of the house until you can find a suitable job?

Is your husband violent? If so, please contact a shelter, they will help you get out of this nightmare, you need to protect your children first and foremost.

Call a shelter. This is abuse and a domestic violence shelter can help you. They have resources. There’s a way to get out but you’re going to have to do a little work to find those resources. And I hope you do. you deserve better.

Thank you all for your replies. I am sure that all of us feel slighted in one way or another. I almost feel like I don't have a right to complain, because there are others that are in more difficult situations. But what bothers me the most is that I have absolutely no financial independence. I rely on him even for gas to take the kids to school. If he decided tomorrow to not give me $10 for gas or milk, I would truly be screwed.

My Mom taught me to be independent, so I had a degree and tons of work experience before he came along. But I fell for his lines and trusted that he had my best interests at heart. Big mistake.

I have spoken to a few DV shelters, but their list of requirements is pretty long. Basically, my situation isn't abusive enough.

Regarding DARVO, isn't it baffling? Mine keeps telling me how nobody is perfect and that, if God can forgive him, I definitely should. But at the same time, he is currently writing a woman on Bumble to meet up. How can you talk about forgiveness when you are still doing the thing that is causing me pain?

I am tired of being a victim at this point. I cried all of the tears that I could, and now I need to focus on being strong for myself and my girls. I have to figure out how to get out of this mess, and I know that finding a job is the first step. Hopefully I will find people that will understand my situation and can help me. The few that I've talked to about my situation (infidelity, etc) have minimized his actions. So it's a bit disheartening.

What were your experiences all like? If you had kids, how did it work out? I don't share any of the details with the kids (obviously), but it's really hard to hide my anger towards him. How do you foster the relationship between your kids and that parent, without bringing your emotions into it?