SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been a member for a while. I am disgusted with myself and the shame I feel is all consuming. I started texting all old coworker for advice because I was hoping to transition into a different career and he had good contacts.

It started with innuendo and some texts that could’ve been considered flirty and I’d say ‘not appropriate’ or send a picture of a line and say crossing the line. But then the line got blurred.

I have some major health challenges and I’m on antidepressants for the pain and also because my condition is difficult on mental health. I started feeling the depression take hold over me and I felt like I was drowning. I don’t know how to describe it except to say that I felt so alone. I am estranged from my family (trauma & neglect). I don’t have friends, just acquaintances because I don’t like opening up to people. I’m in Individual therapy for all of that.
I was begging DH for time with me and he wasn’t available. Since I’ve been sick, he’s had to take a very active role with our kids and does all the house chores. He’s been so stressed out and overwhelmed.

The EA never turned physical. We never talked on the phone. Just texting a lot. The lines got blurred where he’d tell me I’m beautiful and things like that if we ever saw each other we’d have sex and I didn’t correct him. I encouraged if by sending two racy photos (swimsuit and lingerie one). I haven’t seen him in person in probably 20 years. I never would have let it get physical, but I enjoyed the attention and feeling like someone was listening. I also asked for an adjustment in my antidepressant medication.

I wish I could say I came to my senses and confessed, but I came to my senses and was trying to slow things down and just slowly ghost him (dumb I know). And my DH saw the texts on my phone/

He is devastated. He goes back n forth between saying that something was broken and has been for a while and that we will together rebuild our marriage, to saying he’s leaving.

I don’t know what to do. I feel horrible. It’s brought back so much of my pain from his affairs and I’m realizing I never really processed and dealt with it. I never even told my therapist about it until this all happened.

How do I help him heal?

So it's okay for him to have two affairs on you, but you having inappropriate conversations is the dealbreaker for im.

I mean you were wrong to do it, but it showed you who he really is. He can't handle being on the receiving end of what he did to you. If he's asking to separate, you should do it. There is a better life out there.

@icedover84 -

He was into emotionless affairs (escorts, prostitution, massage parlors, etc.). It was a lot of women. He doesn’t even know how many. But it was almost 8k in a span of 2 years.

I wish I hadn’t done it. I know how much it hurts when your world gets shattered.i thought I was a better person than that. I am ashamed you know? I know better

Hey there.

Just a heads up, you should probably post this on the wayward side as you crossed that line.

For most people who are healed is not a problem but you know, for fresh bs seeing this kind of post on just found out is hard.

You probably remember.
Anyway you know that the reason why you went from betrayed to betrayer are character flaws that your wh probably had as well.

It doesn’t really matter if the affair was physical or emotional, it’s all the same.
You know that therapy and understanding the why you did that are important for your own healing.

About your wayward husband now bs. What can I say, maybe he does finally understand the pain of being betrayed.

Always shocking for them to find out just how it hurts.

About what is next.
Healing for both, then you may split, or maybe now that you both know each others pain, you will seriously put both the work into healing and becoming safe partners.

Could be a relationship ended or an opportunity.
Sorry that it went this way, I think it is a bad thing to do even if it wasn’t revenge cheating, now both are deeply wounded.

Back from the storm, how do I move this to the WS forum?

  Moving to Wayward Side

Sawife

I hate the term emotionless affairs.
If he "only" cheated for purely physical needs then all he needed to do was find some privacy and jerk off.
IMHO there is always an emotional need, only that emotion doesn’t have to be fondness or love or even mutual.
I think affairs tend to be about validation more than anything else, and validation is an emotion.

I won’t go into the you-did-he-did argument. What is clear to me is that the two of you have major issues and you need to deal with them as individuals in order to deal with the marital issues as a couple.

But… let’s look a bit at his affairs… a lot of sex-workers and about 8k of marital funds…
What has he done to convince you that’s over?
How does he feel about using sex-workers?
How would he feel about your three kids working as sex-workers once they turn 18 and need to finance their education? After all – there is 8k less than could be in their college fund…
What about the health-risk he was taking and passing on to you? Or even when he came home after a "session" and maybe kissed his kids good-night?

As far as infidelity goes I get a feeling his would score something like 8 out of 10, but yours might be a 4. But then – this is like arguing over if being stabbed 10 times in the heart is better or worse than being stabbed 2 times. Emotionally just as damaged.

So what to do…

First of all: You both need to decide if you want to be married or not. He can’t tell you that he wants to work things out, then tell you he doesn’t, then tell you he wants to work things out and then no…

Then you have to stop competing over who did the worse thing.
However – He needs to assure you that the sexual and financial infidelity is over. That’s mutual – you both need to offer assurances that this is over. That if you decide to work on the marriage you are both committed to that.

I think that’s key. That’s the necessary first step. The decision to commit to the marriage, and then providing what both of you need to feel safe.

I would guess that for him it’s assurance he knows the truth, access to your phone and so on. For you it’s financial transparency, a full STD test result and assurance that he isn’t paying someone elses daughter to get him off – when he isn’t willing to have someone else use his daughter (even as a consenting adult) for the same purpose.

The best thing you can do is focus on healing yourself.

You are right the shame is overwhelming, but I think right now you are panicking over the fallout the most.

I do not agree with posters who insinuate he doesn’t have a right to his feelings about this. Emotions are not logical and you can’t sequester them just because you have done it yourself in the past. I can understand why he may not have people’s empathy here, but it’s valid he has a reaction. You are right not to make it int a tit for tat and really spend some time engaging with your own healing. The reality is he should have done therapy and worked on himself after his affairs and you should spend time doing the same thing.

As you know there is no quick fix here. The good news is it will eventually be worked through even if the marital outcome isn’t what you had initially hoped. Take this as a wake up call to work in your avoidance and being able to bring connection back into your life. It will affect every relationship you have.

Rising Strong by Brene Brown is a good read. I also like when things fall apart by Pema Charon.