SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Quick review. He cheated in our first year of M. (7th yr together) Confessed 42 yrs later. We have been together for 49 years.

Pre confession- Hard worker, financially responsible, serious, perfectionist, overly critical of himself and others, angry at times, impatient, discontent, emotionally distant at times, generous, trusting (ha!), worrier, mildly affectionate......

Post- Hard worker, financially responsible, lighthearted, perfectionist, less critical (catches himself), rarely angry, much more patient, content, emotionally tuned in, generous, still trusting, humble, less worried, passionate......

I am just floored at his transformation. Going on year 3 since confession and there has not been a blip in his behavior. It's like Jekyll/Hyde but in a good way!

His A was a gal he met in a bar while working away from home. He swears it was one night of sex and he "instantly knew" he f'd up. So, I've asked him if he had truly loved me like he claims he did, why didn't his behavior change from that point on? Why didn't he become the ideal H after that? Why did it take him 42 yrs and a confession before he could love and respect me like he should? The best he can come up with is that he was immature, selfish and he was disgusted with himself. Oh, and scared. I'm sure that was the case in his 20's and 30's, but what about his 40's, 50's and 60's?

Our circumstance is unique on this site, but I'm interested if there are others who have experienced something like this. It's almost like he had to confess and be held accountable before he would/could change. I'm holding a tad bit of resentment against him (which I'm working on). I feel like he robbed of us years of joy. I'm trying to focus on the present because it's really good now.

Not sure if I am making any sense, but this has puzzled me for 3 yrs now. Thanks

Mine is a much shorter and different kind of timeline, but there was a significant shift in his behavior after the final set of disclosures compared to the affair years and the preceding 10 months (it was 10 months between dday1 and dday4). Dday4 revealed a second AP and an EA from 11 years ago, and that also explained some subtle changes in our relationship during the following years. I attributed that to being in peak-child raising mode, but now I think it was also residual guilt and knowing that there were others "out there" with whom he could emotionally engage and physically desire.

I think your WS is right in his assessment of "why" - it comes down to guilt and shame. He did his best while hiding an essential truth because he was afraid to lose his marriage, but in keeping that secret, he always had his guard up. That is tiring to maintain, and it affected his relationship with you and his own ability to relax. Now that the truth is out, he can let down those walls.

People often talk about privacy and secrets as if they're the same thing, but I believe that privacy is maintained for personal safety, and secrets are toxic because they're born of shame/embarrassment. Your WS has finally purged himself of his toxic secret.

Why did it take him 42 yrs and a confession before he could love and respect me like he should?

Here I have this confession timeline:

- 10 Years
- 15 years
- 17 Years
- 20 Years

And I still know about at least one more she did not confess yet.

There might be more.

However I noticed too when they confess they get more respectful of you (or maybe they confess because they became more respectful?)

When the A kept a secret — they are literally hedging their bets — one foot in and one foot out of the door.

Why?

Because they aren’t certain that when the truth finally arrives, that they will still be accepted.

My wife, to her credit, did make SOME positive changes prior to her confession (18-years after it was over) but not nearly enough.

Ironically, our M was doing better, or at least had a chance to survive the truth when she finally told me.

With a full accounting, she was able to change more and be her best self.

At the core of it, I find most humans simply want to be loved for who they really are, flaws and all.

When there is a secret kept from a partner in life, they can’t really know the answer to that.

I suspect that his conscience was killing him. He held himself in low esteem, chained to an act that he knew was dishonorable that did not accord with the self image he aspired to; and afraid to come clean lest he lose you.

At the core of it, I find most humans simply want to be loved for who they really are, flaws and all.

When there is a secret kept from a partner in life, they can’t really know the answer to that.

This ^

He thought he could pack it away and move on from it. Never to repeat. He tells me that he never ever went down that road again, but he wasn't able to shed the guilt/shame. He never talked to anyone. White-knuckled it. Damn.

Unfortunately, it followed him and affected our entire family. Still cleaning up the mess!

Hi Truemansworld,

It really does feel like he HAD to confess, maybe he did……well for me I know he did.

My H behaved almost identically to yours throughout our M, when I asked him this question, the one you are asking, he said that no matter how much he tried to bury it he knew that he was unworthy.

I hope you are healing up well Truemansworld.

I suspect that his conscience was killing him. He held himself in low esteem, chained to an act that he knew was dishonorable that did not accord with the self image he aspired to; and afraid to come clean lest he lose you.

This would be my vote.
When we hold dark secrets it creates this toxic shame that eats at us and it takes away the energy that could be used for change. It keeps us from being vulnerable, and it takes away the ability to believe we are worthy of love.

So that’s also why old wounds sentiments make sense to me- once they see they are still accepted, it helps them because the start reflecting on the things about them that you may still appreciate and not begins to open the pathways to believe we are worthy of love.

I confessed almost immediately. Still, it was in this process that I discovered the same thing, he did love me in ways I had no idea about and it made me reflect on why I couldn’t see that before. It softened me in ways I had no idea needed to soften.