SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone. Let me start by saying that this is the 1st time I have ever joined a community support group or forum, so I apologize if I am not used to using the abbreviations yet or if my post is way too long. I had actually registered on this site a week or so ago but just could not seem to bring myself to post anything yet.

My partner (let's just call him John) and I have been together for the past 12.5 years. I found out this past Christmas Eve morning that he has been seeing someone (let's just call him Matt) he met at his work for the last 5-6 months. Not only physical, but emotional as well, as they have apparently told one another that they love each other.

John and I have not had actual intercourse for the past year. I have been dealing with physical medical issues for the past few years, but this past year, they became so bad that they were preventing me from being with him in that way. I was completely open to other sexual activities but John flat out said he didn't want to do those because he would want it to lead to intercourse and would then become disappointed when it did not happen. He has always been a much, much more sexual person than myself, but I honestly thought he was "ok" with it to a certain degree. He never got angry about the lack of sex, never threw it in my face or tried to make me feel bad about myself. He would say things like "It's ok, I'm not complaining. We're fine" and "Every couple goes through good years and bad years. This is just a bad year."

I felt like my heart stopped when he confessed. I hated Matt, the other man. I can honestly say that I have never felt that kind of hatred inside of me ever before. But I didn't hate John for some reason, I just felt incredibly hurt and betrayed by him. Throughout our whole relationship, I have always told him that cheating was the one thing I didn't think I could ever get over. I haven't been able to with other men that I have dated in the past. It was always a very simple decision for me to cut ties and move on. But John and I have 12 years of history. John also verbalized that he wanted to continue to see Matt. He wanted to have a relationship with both of us but keep them separate. He literally wanted the best of both worlds, telling me that he feels that he might be "polyamorous." That has never been a lifestyle that interested me but I was so scared of losing him, that I had agreed to at least learn more about it. Before the affair became known to me, we had actually started seeing a sexual health therapist to enhance our relationship in the midst of my physical problems. So needless to say, all of this new information threw our therapy plans into a completely different direction, going from "how to love each other greater" to "how to share the man I love with someone else and be ok with it."

About a week after the confession, right after New Years, John went to stay in another city a couple hours away due to work, which was nothing new. His job sends him all over the place. He called me early the next morning... he was not at a hotel, he was at Matt's house... and had apparently overdosed on something that Matt gave to him. John was in medical need and I had no idea where he was or what he had taken. He would not tell me where Matt's house was or even let me talk to Matt to at least find out what happened (P.S. - I am a nurse, so my head was spinning with everything that could possibly be happening to him at that moment). I spoke with John multiple times throughout the day (especially considering that Matt left him alone and went to work), making sure he was ok and even telling him, as much as i hated to do it, to stay at that Matt's house until he was feeling better.

John eventually came home the next day, scared and remorseful, saying that all he could think about was me and our life together. He said he was determined to work on us. Over conversations that day, I discovered that John was more manipulative in this whole situation than I originally believed him to be. It wasn't something that "just happened" as he claimed. In fact, he basically tricked Matt, telling him that he and I were no longer in a relationship, just still living together. He made Matt think that he was single and free to begin a new relationship with no strings attached. At this point, I was disgusted actually. To play with someone's heart like that... it made me start to feel sorry for Matt. I couldn't believe I felt bad for this person but he was tricked. After learning this, the hurt I felt towards John turned into the hate and rage that I had been feeling for Matt.

But John ended up coming clean to him, telling him the truth about our relationship and that he could no longer see him. Yet they continued to text each other throughout the day, every day. And John didn't see anything wrong with that as long as they were not physically seeing each other. I, on the other hand, saw this very differently. After another solo session with our sexual health therapist, John said that he told Matt that they should no longer communicate at all.

Throughout this entire time, I have remained calm and tried to be grounded when speaking to John about the affair and what he wants for "us." I was walking on egg shells. I was scared to push him too back into Matt's arms but I was also scared of myself, feeling like I didn't even know myself anymore. A few days ago, everything inside me came out and I was angry. Extremely angry and loud. John refuses to delete/block Matt's number which makes me very upset. I do believe that no one has the right to tell anyone else who they should be able to communicate with, but that phone number is a symbol to me, a continued slap in the face. I would like to think if John was serious about "fixing" us, he would see that.. aside from me already making it known to him verbally.

So this is where I am now. I don't trust John anymore. That fact really upsets me because I never had a problem doing that during our whole relationship. Even during our first couple years together when our relationship was long distance, I never had any doubts or concerns or red flags. Now, just the sound of a text message going off on his phone sets my mind racing. I just don't know what to do at this point. Do I want to save our relationship? I don't know. Do I want him to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness? I don't know. I'm finally past the point where I am having to medicate myself just to make it through the day without bursting into tears. I feel numb at times, where I just don't care, and then thoughts enter my head all of a sudden. Are John and Matt still talking or seeing each other? Do they have nicknames for each other? Does Matt know that John is obsessed with a specific brand of ice tea and makes sure to have it there for when he would come over? Do they quote movies in regular conversations like John and I do? Do they have inside jokes like John and I do? Does Matt rub John's head after a long day to help him fall asleep like I do? These are the thoughts that bring rage back to me. All the more so when John interacts with me like nothing ever happened, when at the same time, a hurricane is swirling in my head.

Again, I apologize if this post is extremely long. There is so much more to the my story that I have not written, which I am sure is true for everyone posting in this forum. I know that this is nothing new and that people can come out stronger on the other side. It's just very hard at the moment to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you start to question your own sense of self. Everything is still too fresh, I guess.

You did not make him cheat. He decided to tell another man he loved him while you were home trying to handle a serious health issue. There are huge numbers of men who bail on the SOs. It is depressingly high. The numbers surprised me.

So you need to come to terms with his inability to form deep attachments…they seem iffy. He has told you he still loves you but, something is holding you back. That is your ability to pick up his possible "gift" of being able to lie.

Matt was lied to as well.

Let’s concentrate on you. You need to speak to a dr about meds for anxiety and sleep because both will wear you down. I hope you are eating healthy and staying away from alcohol and other drugs. You need to get you body/brain to calm down because this kind of stress really does a number on your immune system

I am very sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself.

Sorry that you found this place, and this is a very supportive community. Just by the fact that John had to lie to Matt to start the new relationship makes it clear that it’s not your fault it happened but all his. He knows if he told the truth no decent person would want to be with him. So he had to lie to Matt and lie to you. Not sure where he thinks this could possibly go. I don’t think Matt is interested in polygamy either otherwise John wouldn’t have to lie. If the two of you are really this different in the fundamental principle of a relationship, I think you should throw him out. Sorry I am blunt. He doesn’t sound like a man you should waste any more of your time and feelings for.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. Infidelity is a real mind fuck. Most people underestimate just how traumatic it is. Make no mistake, it's a real trauma. I've seen it said often that it hurts more than losing a loved one, and I'm in that camp. It wrecks your whole sense of reality. It takes a very long time to recover from this. PTSD isn't uncommon.

Right now your partner is not safe. No, he shouldn't be continuing to talk to his AP (affair partner) if he intends to remain with you, and you shouldn't have to tolerate it. There's no such thing as "just friends" once that boundary has been crossed. If he's still talking to Matt, then the affair is still ongoing. He needs to go full NC (no contact) and cut all ties.

No, you can't control someone else. But you can control you. You can't tell him who he can and can't talk to, but you can tell him that you aren't going to be around if he does. He can do whatever he wants and see whoever he wants, but you don't have to stick around for it. I know it's hard, and I know you love him, but what he's doing isn't right and you need to establish some boundaries. If he doesn't want to respect them, then you don't have anything to work with. Right now he should be demonstrating some sort of remorse and be willing to do anything to salvage what can be salvaged of this relationship.

It sounds like right now you're doing the "pick me" dance in an effort to win him back. That's not going to work. All you do is put all of the power in his hands and he calls all the shots. You need to take your power back. You can't "nice" a WS (wayward spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend) back. They have to want to come back, and the pick me dance almost never works.

My wife of 27 years had an affair over 9 months ago. I did the pick me dance for a couple of weeks and all it got me was further humiliation and shit on some more. When I got fed up, I started calling divorce lawyers and started setting up appointments with them right in front of her. She broke down in a way I'd never seen before and begged me to not go through with it. She dropped her AP like a hot rock, blocked him on everything, put in for a work site transfer (AP was a co worker), and started showing true remorse and contrition. She's been rock solid ever since. I took my power back and told her I refused to live in infidelity, and I meant it. I was prepared to follow through with it. The rest was up to her. That's not manipulation, it was a strong signal that I refused to live in infidelity. She could have done what she wanted, and she chose to work it out. Before I did that I was her doormat. That ended it.

I don't know what your partner might do if you try to establish some boundaries like that, but if there's one thing I can think of worse than divorce it's living in infidelity and sharing my partner with someone else. To me that's intolerable, and I'd rather break up than live that way. If your partner wants to stay with you he will bend over backwards and do whatever it takes. If he's not willing to do that then you don't have much to work with.

Read through the healing library. There are some great articles there, and I'd suggest getting the book "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda McDonald. It's a short read, but packed with very good info and will give your partner a good idea of where your heads at right now. The audio version is about 2½ hours long. My wife and I listened to it together and it really opened her eyes. I think you'll find most of the advice applies just as well to same sex relationships. Love is love and betrayal trauma is betrayal trauma.

Right now you're still living in infidelity and your goal should be to get out of that situation ASAP. Whether that's him cutting contact with his AP and starting the hard work of R (reconciliation), or you getting out of the relationship. It begins with you establishing some boundaries. If it's going to work he'll respect those boundaries. If he's not willing to do that then you have nothing to work with, and you should begin the process of detaching and prepare for a split.

I know some of that is probably not what you want to hear, but you need to take some control back and that's one of the ways you can do it. I'll repeat, doing the pick me dance almost never, ever works. All you're doing is signaling that no matter how much he misbehaves you're going to tolerate it. That needs to end now.

I'm so sorry you're here. I know how much you're hurting and it sucks. It really, really sucks, but most of us have been or are currently in it and we know how you feel. Stick around, keep posting, ask questions or even just vent if you need to. We're here for it. More people with more experience than I will be along to offer more advice and give you some different perspectives, tho keep in mind that weekends are sometimes slow here.

Make sure you eat and try to get enough sleep. I know that's easier said than done, but you need to keep your strength up. Drink protein shakes if your appetite is shot.

I wish you the best.