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So the past couple of days I have seen a softer more interested side of him. Wanting to talk. Mostly about how he admits he misses me and is conflicted about the separation and divorce. Making me feel like maybe he doesnt really want it. So I simply said if he got help to fix himself he could come home. That its what I would rather (because apparently im stupid, but 20 years is a lot to just throw away). We had a short discussion again about it this morning. Didnt talk to him the rest of the day. Then this afternoon he texts me asking if I want anything specific added to the separation agreement. I told him it didnt matter what he put in it I wasnt going to sign it. (My lawyer is going to serve him for desertion and adultery, he doesnt know this). He immediately got angry and said fine then it would be sent via certified mail since I wont sign. OK cool, no skin off my back. Then be brought up our taxes and tax return and I reminded him he said in text we would be paying the credit card off which is in my name but vacations for our family so joint debt. He told me he wasnt going to do that. I told him thats fine I'll talk to my lawyer. And he went insane on me. Telling me in text that my lawyer can talk to his lawyer and then my lawyer can"fuck off". That my lawyer has no authority over his finances. He then said this stubborness on my part to not sign his separation agreement has made him no longer conflicted. That and the fact that I told people he cheated. Again that keeps coming up. He wants out because instead of showing people that now view him as a the cheater he is and rising up to repair rebuild get help and be better, he thinks everyone will just forget what he did if he discards me. The anger and hostility was absolutely ridiculous today. Is it normal for them to go from hot to cold like this? I also told him my lawyer told me im allowed to remove his items from my room and bathroom since he has a room and bathroom elsewhere. His response? "So youre admitting youre going to discard my belongings." Knowing full well I would simply put them in another area of the house as I did last time and he put it all back. This is only week 3. I think its going to be a long year for me. And instead of spending time with his kids tonight he is going out. The man that wants 50/50 custody so he can avoid paying child support. He rarely visits the kids and when he does he sits on the couch for an hour on his phone while he does laundry and the kids all hide away in their rooms

[This message edited by WoundedFox at 12:32 AM, Friday, January 23rd]

Is it normal for them to go from hot to cold like this?

Yes, when they are trying to manipulate you. If he contacts you again, I would tell him that everything will be going through the lawyers now and end the contact. Don't engage with him anymore.

Yup. I think no contact would be best from here on out if possible. I had a feeling reading your post that the "softer more interested side of him" was at best a veneer. Only I thought it might last for a few days or a week. Looks like it was a few minutes . He's showing who he really is. Believe him.

I'm sorry, but I don't think you have anything to work with.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:31 AM, Friday, January 23rd]

Yup! This is a typical manipulation tactic. Your best bet is as little contact as possible. Only about child custody and finances, and then preferably in writing. Do not engage or argue with him. Become a gray rock. Detach. This is for your healing and benefit.

Also make sure you document the times he does spend with the kids for when you go to court. Don't engage with him anymore when he says he misses you. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a great answer to pretty much everything that does not pertain to kids and finances.

He's angry because he's not getting his way. First he tried sweet-talk, and when that didn't work, he got nasty. Please do be careful. Angry people can turn physically abusive, and he's already surprised you.

Revisit these posts when you feel yourself softening, and remember that people's behavior should be judged by what they are capable of at their worst, not when they're at their best. Abusers are often lovely and amiable for 99% of the time.

It's really shocking and sad when they turn out to be different people than the ones we thought we married.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 6:31 AM, Friday, January 23rd]

The hot and cold is "normal" for a betrayer.

Is both searching for validation (I still got you, you are still under my charme) and devaluating you (you want me so bad that you will do whatever for a chance to get me back in your life, I cheated you, humiliated you, and I am still the best you can get).

It's insecurity. They know they are cheats, they are the lowest of the low.

Instead of elevating them, the betrayal covered them in mud.

People see it, people contempt it.

They feel like shit, but cannot admit to their fragile ego and low self worth.

You are the perfect validation victim, they already hurt you, you loved them, so they can manipulate your pain and side to feel "I am still worth something, I am not the shit I feel when I look in the mirror or sit in silence, I will prove it she/he is still caring for me".

BEcause is when they are alone that the memory of you and their conscience will bite back.

Think of it as a "seduction" tactic. But since they broke the "healthy seduction" for the "cheater version" of it so they now use manipulation and exploitation towards you, there is "no real warmth" there, only dirt.

This is what you felt.

Follow the advise, he is not reformed at all, he wants to drag you in the mud with him to feel equal and less judged by all the people who now see him as trash.

You are not trash, stand your ground.

You deserve better.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:15 AM, Friday, January 23rd]