SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

I just joined this site today. I've been struggling lately and am looking for advice or outlets to help me talk and move on.

Backstory-
I caught my wife (at age 44) cheating by finding chat conversations on FB. I was shocked by her double life. I didn't say anything and let it continue. I kept looking at her FB messages and subvertly following her around to see what she was up to. I would know she was going out to have her fun while I stayed home with our kids. I would ask her questions when she got home,or the next day, to see what kind of lies she would tell me. This went on for about a year and a half. SMH I know.

We divorced a year later for other reasons (4 years ago now). I never told her that I knew she cheated. I don't know why and this is bothering me so much lately. Is something wrong with me for not saying anything to her while it was happening?

I want to shift gears and move on. Any advice?

I'm new here so if there is a topic about this on her already or if I need to ask in another area please let me know. I can tell more of the story too. Just don't know how/what to say.

~Herzy

I don’t think you needed to tell her then or need to tell her now. You can divorce for any reason, and I can’t see what good it would do to tell her now.

BUT. I think it is worth exploring why you swept her cheating under the rug. Why you allowed it to continue. It is an absolute shock when you learn your wayward spouse (WS) is cheating, and we often recommend waiting a little bit to confront so you can get your ducks in a row. But it is unusual that you never confronted. And it OFTEN takes a long time for the betrayed spouse (BS) to be ready to leave the marriage if they don’t decide to reconcile. But usually that is after DDAY.

I think you need dig into why you allowed her to continue cheating. Was it fear? Insecurity? Afraid to rock the boat? Afraid that it was a reflection on you? No right or wrong answers, but I think you need to address that to help YOU heal and to help you understand what you would do differently if ever in a similar situation.

IC (individual counseling) is REALLY helpful in this exploration. Look for one that is trauma- informed because infidelity is a TRAUMA. And that trauma may have been why you kept quiet, but it also means you probably didn’t process the betrayal. And you need to process that betrayal or it will hang around for many years.

You will heal eventually, but IC can help accelerate that process while helping you see a clearer path forward for your next relationships. And you will get there - we all do. :-)

Hang in there, and sorry you are feeling sad.

Thanks for the wisdom Barely. That is what I'm trying to figure out.

Part of it is that our s** life wasn't good for a very long time and I think I was okay with her finding it with someone.

I was hoping there were others that ran into this.

I second what BearlyB said. The only thing I’ll add is if you were ok with your wife getting sexual gratification from another guy then maybe you thought her lack of gratification with you was your fault and this is something that you didn’t want to shine a light on. So you never brought up her infidelity so as to not wake that sleeping ogre. I’m not a therapist, hope you get one and dig into your whys. By the way, I would guess that most BH’s at least wonder if there was something lacking in their performance.

We divorced a year later for other reasons

her infidelity didn’t factor in at all?