SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Two year anniversary post here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=664729&HL=83993
Perhaps a mod can find the first year one for me for comparison? I can't find it.

So. It's really been three years. I can't believe it, for so many reasons. I can't believe I've lived 3 whole years in this much pain in the aftermath of the day my whole life just got wrecked. I can't believe I've survived, I almost didn't, I was pretty suicidal for a long, long time, but also, can't believe I still feel this shitty after so much time. I know, in this world of infidelity recovery, 3 years is still not a long time. But for me, I was truly hoping to be in a better place at the three year mark than I am.

Last year's post was a bit more hopeful, perhaps? I felt I had made such big strides from the previous year, this year, less so in some ways. Last year's post I put in Reconciliation, this year I'm opting for General as I am no longer sure that R is the path I am on.
Last year at this time of the year I was still feeling fairly hopeful that we would make it. This past year I have instead been on the very verge of D most of the year. I've taken small steps towards that direction, started making myself more independent in small but significant ways that have had an impact at least emotionally. I have started looking at alternativ housing, appraised our house and discussed my thoughts with several close family members and friends. I still have not pulled the plug, not sure why. So on DD3 I am still here, in our home, sharing a bedroom, but not really sharing anything emotionally if that makes sense?

On the positive side, I have made positive strides when it comes to my personal emotional health. I have been able to successfully come off my antidepressants that I have been on for more than 10 years for anxiety and that I had to up the dose on significantly after DD. I have started 'weaning off' my IC that I have been doing weekly for 3 years to bi-weekly and soon I will be going only monthly. I feel more secure, stable emotionally, and trusting in myself. In many ways I am much more self-reliant and independent than before.
I do believe I have reached the point of being basically ok whether we D or R this year. I still would prefer not to D as I never wanted to end the M or blow up our family, but I feel ok with the prospect of D as well now. And some days, I'm not even sure I really want R anymore.

Also, interestingly enough, although I have reached a point of basically giving up on us and a general 'to hell with him and it all attitude' I find myself sometimes thinking, I might actually have forgiven him. Not something I ever thought would happen, not something I chose or even actively sought. I just at one point a while back found myself thinking I might be done punishing him now. That doesn't mean I think I might be able to stay with him necessarily, I still think he's a bad candidate for R and a douchebag, (Not just for the A but very much for how he has treated me after the A as well as 20 years prior), he hasn't managed to make the changes I needed to see. But somehow, at some point, I apparently, to my own utter surprise, felt, done? Done with the punishing and looking for recompense and just plain tired of myself. Tired of this angry, bitter, mess of a person I've turned into. And yes, I have certainly punished him. It wasn't ever my goal, it was just something I believe happened due to him not being able to become safe or a good candidate for R. He has done a lot of things yes, but not enough, and in my inability to leave despite that, I instead have punished him I suppose. And I just am tired of that now. I don't feel the want or the need for that anymore. It will never be fair, not even if he had grovelled and crawled (which he didn't not even close) would it have ever been made fair, so perhaps I needed him to hurt, as I hurt so badly. I don't know that I need that anymore. I'm hoping I've reached a milestone of sorts with that feeling that's crept up on me the past few months.

I would never have thought I would still be so deeply impacted on a day to day basis by his A three years on. I feel a deep sense of grief for what I've lost in myself in this time, and I do believe I am changed, for the worse, forever in some ways. On the other hand, this saying now holds true for me: 'If you went back, you would not fit there anymore'.

Yup.

Don’t keep trying to hold on to something that no longer exists (and maybe never existed).

Best wishes.

Is this it?

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=661911&HL=83993

If you go to your profile, the Recent Posts and Archived Posts are links to posts where you are the author or where you commented. Also, if you're in a thread, you can click on the person icon and see that poster's recent and archived posts.

(Not just for the A but very much for how he has treated me after the A as well as 20 years prior), he hasn't managed to make the changes I needed to see.

For me, it took a while think about how he had treated me for the past 15 years or so. He definitely didn't do the work I needed to see to stay. So, when he confessed and we had another DDay, that was it for me. He was never going to change. And from what I hear through the grapevine, he still hasn't and wifey #2 is about fed up with it.

For me, 3 years was so much better. I could see light at the end of the tunnel - and it wasn't a train. By that time, we had D, so living with him didn't slow my healing.

You do you, and I hope your next annual update has better news.

Misery, we have walked a lot of the same path, but I reached that "done" point about a year ago. It still took another eight months and a trial separation before I had clarity, but I have to say that once I made the decision (to divorce), it has brought a lot of internal peace. It's not perfect - there are many moments of grief and anger still - but when those emotions start to overwhelm, I reach for the lifeline that I am more in control of my future now, and that helps.

I hope Year 4 brings you a measure of clarity and peace, in either direction, as well. Staying is very very hard, and leaving is often harder, but sometimes doing the harder thing is what benefits us in the long run. We're all on our journeys and timelines. I hope you and I are both in a better place next November!

Thanks leafields, that's the one. I don't have access to archived threads. It was interesting to read my old post, puts today's situation in perspective. I was feeling way, way worse myself, but our relationship had more hope DD1.
Glad to hear you're making progress with how you are feeling.

Staying is very very hard, and leaving is often harder, but sometimes doing the harder thing is what benefits us in the long run.

This is precisely what I am weighing at the moment, which hard I am willing to take.

I suspect staying is harder for some people, and leaving is harder for others. I know I thought I'd lose more by leaving than by staying.

My approach was to choose the easier option - easier as computed by biggest difference between costs and benefits. That is, I estimated an 'average' difference between costs and benefits, and chose the option that gave me the biggest positive outcome, not the lowest cost or highest benefit.

I recommend that approach, but I'll note that each of us has to make our own estimates of costs and benefits.

In any case, my bet is that placing numbers on the value of 'this' and 'that' and the costs of 'those' and 'the other things', can help making a choice by showing oneself what one really wants. There's no way to prove the valuation. I can't prove to anyone the validity of the numbers I use, nor can anyone else disprove my numbers. Neither can anyone prove their numbers to us; nor can we disprove anyone's numbers. Each of us simply has to convince themself.

D & R are very difficult emotional choices, even if one feels that only one of those answers are correct. If a BS rejects D as a resolution, and their WS is unremorseful, that BS is in for a world of even more hurt. If a BS rejects R as a resolution, that BS may cause themself a world of hurt and bitterness, if that BS doesn't deal with the grief, fear, and shame that go with, but are often buried by, the anger that comes after being betrayed.

I counsel making the 'easy' choice because choosing what one wants is generally easier than choosing what one doesn't want. Even if one can't get what one wants (R with a recalcitrant or unremorseful WS, for example), recognizing what one wants but can't get allows grieving this additional loss - and thereby clearing the emotional decks for rebuilding one's life.

I had a therapist who always said, 'Do it the easy way.' She always thought changing was a better choice than staying the same way one was before starting therapy, and she always thought that stopping self-attacks was easier than keeping them up. Living a good life is hard enough without placing additional obstacles in one's own way.