SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m not doing good.

Today H told me that a package was coming for my dad’s car, I asked what for he said it needed something because he suspected it’s burning oil. The part came and it’s a turbo, I phoned him and said who is this turbo for?, he said your dad. I said why did you lie to me?, he said I didn’t I told you I ordered it. I said listen, had you told me that it needed a turbo you know I’d have said no, I’m not putting it on until it fails.
H apologised and said he should have told me, that is his mistake and he will send it back, but i didn’t lie to you. I told him I don’t give a shit what he does anymore and put the phone down.

I don’t know what to do, I’m fucking tired. I’m just tired.

I don't remember your situation fully. Are you still living together and trying recon? It sounds like your last nerve is gone after all this and if possible, I'd recommend at least a physical separation. It might do you - and maybe him - a lot of good not to have to deal constantly with each other right now. Sometimes people just wear on each other and being apart for a while is often an answer. It sounds like one of those situations where nothing is going to go right, right now. Sorry if I'm misunderstanding your situation, but I did want to suggest that as I think it might help.

My situation is my H confessed to historical cheating, inc an A on and off that included a few kissing and fondling moments. Took and passed a polygraph to confirm and we’re trying to reconcile, yes we live together along with our children who do not know about this.
DD was NYE 2024, we attend couples therapy that is going really well, we used to attend weekly but now she sees us 3 weekly.
We were actually doing really well aside from me having massive waves of insecurity every now and then and also poking at things when I feel complacent.
I know that I have to voice my needs, I know I have to tell him what I will not accept anymore and I know that he will do whatever I ask but I’m tired, I’m sick of it, why can’t he just not be a fucking idiot and grow up and be a man.

Thank you for replying to me Bondjanebond, I remember you replying to me before and saying we were good candidates for R. R is hard.

I’m so sorry you’re here. Do you have some support outside of counseling and H? Do you have a friend who knows who you can vent to? Ironically, my best friend who had been a serial cheater before learning otherwise….was a life line for me. She had been through it on the other side. Whenever I grew particularly weary of the R work, I could spend a weekend with her and regain some sense of myself outside of the A.

Why did he feel the need to keep something so small from you?

He said he wasn’t keeping anything from me, he just didn’t think it was a big deal and I wouldn’t mind because it was for my dad’s car.

I don’t know what he thought he was doing, it doesn’t make sense. ( I’ve said these words a million times) I don’t actually know whether it was a misunderstanding or whether he intentionally kept something from me.

I have nowhere to go and stay, it’s just my H, myself and our therapist that know, I have a friend I can talk to online.

I don’t know if this will help you or not, but a failing turbo needs to be replaced asap. If you’re lucky enough to identify it has a problem before disaster happens. Generally two big problems can happen. The impeller can shatter, sending shards of metal into the engine. Ruining it. Most turbos are lubricated by the engine’s oil supply, if it develops a significant leak, it can dump all of it in a few seconds, seizing the engine.

I'm a bit confused. A failing Turbo can start burning oil and this can cause engine problems. I don't understand why you are upset about a part being replaced on your father's car though. He said he ordered a part for your father's car because it was burning oil so I don't understand why you are upset that the part is a turbo unless the car does not have a turbo and he is adding one to it

Are you upset because he did not specify exactly the part that was ordered?

We originally bought this car for our son, we bought it as a non runner as the bottom end had gone (bearings), my H fully rebuilt the engine, new timing chain etc. insurance was too expensive for our son so we were going to sell but dad said he wanted it.
We took it for a recall to the dealer for the airbag and my H said he thinks it smells a bit like it’s burning oil, I said maybe it’s the rebuild bedding in or because it’s been stood a while.

Dad’s been using it with no complaints for months, no signs of anything. H said to dad that it could do with some new oil so bring it for a service.

Commence the above post.

I didn’t know that he was reconditioning the turbo, neither did dad. H just made the decision to do it himself without asking or fully informing anyone.

I’d like to know if I’m paying for a new turbine and fitting it.

bypassing the marriage relationship issues -

cars with "turbos" have a special need for oil and also have special piping to route oil to/from turbo bearings.

the exhaust side of a turbocharger gets REALLY hot and proper OIL TYPE and FLOW are CRITICAL to keeping it running well and long.

If wrong oil is used, oil changes not done when needed, the 'turbo' bearings and seals will deteriorate more quickly and the first sign of that issue is oil consumption - assuming no leaks elsewhere or worn out piston rings. (or a few other less often occurring items) . . .

so, your husband may be correct on why a turbo is needed (my wife's Subaru Forester XT suffered same fate) and his choice of words more of a communication error that any intent to deceive or otherwise deceive you.

turbos are $$$$ - wife's was about 2k$ => ouch!