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For an extremely long period of time after my wife’s disclosure, I found myself clinging to every old and new negative self-thought that I unknowingly gave harbor. I was becoming a hoarder. Not of old things nor collectables, I was compulsively amassing injurious self-thoughts.

I’m embarrassed to admit, I found safety encaged by my own defensive mistrust. For years, seemingly inconsequential words spoken or events happening around me that I typically would have long forgotten or seen as throw away moments were now food for gathering. I freely confess that I clung to this cache of self-doubt.

One would think I would have been eager to rid myself of the filth I was surrounded with. These days, I often ponder with full puzzlement, why did I refuse to break free from the emotional narrowing, for there was no value in its ownership. But I refused to loosen my grasp on that valuelessness I cleaved, because it seemed to be all I was left to own.

Due to the pain, I just couldn’t see I was being betrayed by my own accumulations. For far, far too long I was adhering to a discouraged life, reinforced daily by my own, hoarded collections.

Those thoughts were your moat to keep you from harm. Being a bs is being in danger.

I found that most of my self- directed negativity died off naturally, after I accepted and integrated that I had changed for the better. I figured that the thoughts themselves weren't the problem, but rather arose from unaddressed issues.

So the thought "I was so dumb not to see it" turned into "I was actively deceived so I bear no flaw or responsibility in feeling this pain." Then even THAT turned into "Now I know how to autonomously grow back and heal after a betrayal," and any negative self talk arising from this particular source finds no lodging whatsoever in my head. Though mostly it doesn't even happen anymore.

Once I got a handle on this process, I can apply it to anything. There's no denial of the pain, just no more fear of it. Not do I equate resilience with strength anymore - now I see strength as the ability to fall like a dead cactus leaf in the desert and still fully grow back to my total self.

Those thoughts were your moat to keep you from harm. Being a bs is being in danger.

You are every correct Cooley2here and I appreciate your insight. Though there came a time that I needed to, and did, let the drawbridge down. I like your analogy for it is helping me realize, though access has been returned, the moat has never been filled in. The question now is, should it be?

Mindjob,

I found that most of my self- directed negativity died off naturally, after I accepted and integrated that I had changed for the better. I figured that the thoughts themselves weren't the problem, but rather arose from unaddressed issues.

Very well stated. These are words to take into one’s soul Thank you.

...now I see strength as the ability to fall like a dead cactus leaf in the desert and still fully grow back to my total self.

Living in the desert as I do, I get this analogy. Rebirth is the strong gift we can choose to offer ourselves.

IMO, therapy is a process by which one changes+ one's attacking/negative self-talk to nurturing/positive self-talk. Simplicity itself!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:40 PM, Sunday, September 14th]

Sisson,

Don't we all with it was

Simplicity itself!

Made me smile, Thanks

Asterisk

I just watched a podcast about filler words. "Like", "um", "bro" etc. They are maddening to listen to. The guest said the simple, most powerful way to stop using them is to pause. Just be silent for a few seconds. Negative thinking is the same thing. Every time those thoughts invade make your brain go silent. Then give yourself a compliment. Say it out loud. You need to interrupt and stop the bad habit.

My second therapist was a betrayal trauma specialist and was so helpful. One of the things she had me do was use a mindfulness and self-compassion workbook. One of the exercises that I did for several months (6-8?) was a 3-paragraph assignment.

Paragraph one was to write out all of the negative self-talk I did that day. Paragraph 2 was to respond to paragraph 1 as if I was the BFF if the person who write paragraph 1. Paragraph 3 was to write a more realistic, balanced version of paragraph 1.

Another thing that helped me was learning meditation. The app I used had a "how to" series that lasted a month. I did more, but stopped and feel the need to get back into doing it.

Now, I can recognize when I'm having negative self-talk spirals through the mindfulness work I did. The meditation work I did allows me to take some grounding breaths and bring my thoughts back to now and focus on today.

Also, I found an I Am affirmation video on YouTube. The one that made me ugly cry was the one I picked because it struck a chord.

Even though negative self-talk may still treat it's ugly head, I have tools to help get through the problem.

There is a popular novel called Tilda Is Visible.

I won’t give away the plot but part of the book centers around those negative thoughts we let swirl around us each day. The book talks about getting out of that cycle (remember it’s a novel) but the solutions suggested make sense.

I remember at dday1 my H telling me for months everything that was wrong with me. And I mean everything. Differences of opinion that were resolved years prior were brought up as an "and you did this" type of finger pointing and blame game at me.

I was blown away because not once in 25 years did he ever indicates he was unhappy about anything.

However after 6 months of this behavior it dawned on me he was really unhappy with himself and I was just the fall guy. And then I looked at him one day and wondered WHY I was letting HIS opinion define me.

And that’s what set me free. I was letting a liar and cheater tell ME what was wrong with ME

I finally learned to stop worrying about what other people think of me. And I learned to let go of that negative voice in my head. Not 100% but it’s much much better. Especially after reading the novel.

Good morning Cooley2here,

The podcast you referred to took me back to when I gave my 1st speech in high school speech class. The teacher stopped me every time I said "um" and there were a lot of them ums.

He, like the podcaster you referred to, also said it was better to simply allow the silence to hang in the void. To this day, I still hear his voice whenever I say "um" and, thanks to him, there are, um, far fewer of them. :)

Thanks for the reminder and your supportive thoughts.

Leafields,

Writing out one’s self-pounding for review then rewriting it from a heathier perspective really makes a lot of sense. I wish I’d thought of that 30 odd years ago. Like you, those thoughts, these days, are rare but those moments still rise to the surface at times when I'm feeling a bit down.

Thank you for your support.

Hello again The1stWife,

Your ongoing supportive words lift my spirit. I am so very sorry you have reason to have reason for this wisdom. Unlike your husband, my wife didn’t try to lay the blame on me, though sometimes I interpreted it that way.

However, like your husband, she never once said she was "unhappy" in the marriage. And worse, I didn’t have the insight to see her unhappiness. That fact I missed it, still keeps me a little off balance.

She says she is happy and I believe her, and yet, all that existed during her 1 1\2 year affair. So, what is real and what is not? I guess I am only allowed to know myself and that is a daunting task in of itself.