SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I literally cannot live with the guilt. I am the betrayer and I regret it so much, I had 2 online affairs within 3 months , and stupidly met up with both at seperate times,
My husband said 3 wks later he is willing to try and save our marriage , he doesn’t want marriage counselling so I’m persuing this on my own , I had the affair as I was feeling low/ unwanted/ feeling I do everything which isn’t an excuse as i still should not have done it,
Can anyone give me a time of when they starting to feel better , I literally cannot function with the stress and guilt , ontop of taking to my husband and answering all questions honestly , I’ve told him everything. Whilst also looking after 3 young children . I don’t actually feel I can cope with feeling like this for years. Did it start to lift and get better in months ? I’m not expecting it to go away just be manageable and be able to do day to day stuff without crying all the time and feeling not being able to move/ tired etc. I also worry about the future being on my own etc i have no job

Welcome to SI. There are some posts pinned to the top of the Wayward forum that you may find helpful. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources.

You may wish to get the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

You don't need marriage counseling (MC) at this point. The M didn't cheat. Generally, IC (individual counseling) for each of you is better, as MCs help work on the relationship. You need to do the work to become a safe partner, and he may need IC with a betrayal trauma specialist to heal.

Please be sure to get tested for STDs/STIs because there are lots of nasty diseases out there. Were any of the APs (affair partners) married? If so, please inform their spouse.

I am a BS (betrayed spouse), so I'm not sure when you'll feel better. For me, I wasn't quite a zombie any longer at about 12 months but didn't consider myself healed until about 3 years out. One industry estimate is 2-5 years for your individual healing, and longer if you try to R (reconcile).

Yes APs were married . I didn’t actually have sex so no risk of STI , kissed and other sexual activity but not one that would lead to an STI. I am so regretful. Did you reconcile?

The old "Don't do the crime if you can't do the TIME"
Clean your act up. Answer questions. Become transparent. Lose the secret accounts and buddies. Get rid of those who are not friends of the marriage. Basically re-invent yourself. Give him space if he wants it. if he isn't talking don't force him too. He's trying to make sense of a world that no longer makes sense. Time, Time and more time. You didn't decide to have an affair overnight. Don't expect to fix its aftermath overnight.
And be honest about what you did. If it's safe to do so. Keeping secrets is going to come back to haunt you. Honesty is the best policy. Again if that's safe to do so. I didn't have definitive proof when I confronted my wife. But I had enough. She broke down and ratted herself and AP out about what they did. I suffered broken heart syndrome . Basically I had a mini heart attack. For a guy who was in pretty good shape at the time it was the first time my body failed me. So remember there are consequences to all of our actions. This simply isn't a forgiven and forget one.

No, my XWH (wayward ex-husband) couldn't keep his hands to himself and I wasn't going to live with how he was treating me. He wasn't doing the work to become a safe partner.

Yes I agree I need to give it time and let my husband have space when he needs it instead of asking him questions in that moment in time.
I’m so sorry leafields you experienced that, I 100% have no desire to ever do this again, I have been so stupid and if I could turn back time I would: I cry everyday at the mess and hurt that I have caused out of pure selfishness. I am going to counselling, I’m going to be a more appreciative and attentive wife and mom I will literally do anything. I won’t be going out with my friends as it will be a trigger , my phone is always open and he can look at it whenever he wants. I text and say sorry and that I love him every day. I never want to do this again, it is the biggest mistake of my life. I’ve said he. I am happy to have no privacy , I don’t need it. I love my husband so much I don’t want to lose him 😢
I am going to counselling to address why I did this and my low mood / anxiety.
I know people say they’ll never do it then do, but I 100% will not. I never want to go through this or put my husband through it ever again.

If you mean what you write literally, talk with your counselor and talk with folks at the 988 phone number.

Otherwise, you have to deal with the consequences of your actions one way or another; there's no other way for any of us. I think that's one of the few things that require just sucking it up and making the best choice you can about dealing with the consequences.

*****

A reco for counseling: make 'changing from betrayer to good partner' one of your goals.

A further reco: give up trying to control the outcome. You have a lot of control over what you do. You have virtually no control over your BS. If you change from cheater to good partner, maybe your BS will choose R, maybe not - but whatever he does, you'll be better off. If R is your goal, and he chooses D, you're not better off than you are now.

*****

It was very late in my W's A that she realized I might dump her. I'm an outlier in that I was still limerent after 45 years together. I still lusted after her. But realizing I might leave was a step forward for her, because I very seriously considered - and figured out - how I could live a good life without her.

Again, you can't control your BS's D/R decision. You can redeem yourself whatever he chooses.

*****

Changing from betrayer to good partner is one way of reducing your pain. In addition, it'll prevent taking on more pain. Other than that, IMO, the way to reduce pain is to feel it, letting it course through and out of one's body. A good therapist can help.

Don't expect quick results - you've got lots of pain to release, and that means a lot more work and time is necessary to release the pain. Besides, healing (almost?) always takes longer than one wants it to take.

*****

Have you been reading in the 'Wayward Side' forum? If not, I recommend doing so. The threads can teach us all a lot.

Jayjay,

Sorry but kissing can lead to STIs, read up on oral cancers caused by HPV.

The chain of infection goes like this OM has oral sex with married ladies who have had sex with other married men. Because that's what OM do, You now swap saliva with OM.Then you kiss your BH or give him oral.

You BH is now at risk for penile, mouth and throat cancer.

Oral syphilis etc as well.

[This message edited by survrus at 11:58 PM, Wednesday, September 3rd]

Yes, it does get better. Most likely, it will get a little better at first, and then backslide, and then improve again. You may have periods of hysterical bonding and/or stretches of apathy. I think the first 4-6 months were the worst for us. By two years out, we were vastly improved, and now, at seven years, we're fully reconciled. Sometimes there are still "sharp points," as my husband puts it, but we genuinely love and trust each other, and we go through life as a committed team. There is hope.

A major reason this worked out for us was that I finally put in the effort to be completely honest, no matter how terrified I was by the potential outcome. If you aren't -- if you're still lying about the extent of the affairs because you think that either you or your husband can't handle the fallout of coming clean -- then trickle truth can make it every bit as bad as it is now, or worse. I have lost count of the betrayed spouses in the Divorce forum who said they might have forgiven the infidelity but could not get past their WS's persistent lying in the aftermath.