SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out 8 weeks ago that my husband had a two year affair 12 years ago. Turns out back in his army day he had a 2 year affair with his best friends wife who lived in army accommodation with their kids, one of which he became god son too whilst he had a long term girlfriend. They then moved to Germany, he moved in with his girlfriend, had another affair with a colleague (both unprotected) then a year later he split up with his girlfriend and we got together. I knew about his affair with the colleague but not about the affair with the best man's wife...if I had, I would have seen red flags and run!

Fast forward 4 years, we have twins and marry and he asked best friend to be his best man so unbeknownst to me his ex AP is at our wedding. One year later I conceive and third child, the best friend and his wife moved back to the UK and he starts a sexting relationship with her which turns physical whe my third child is born. They had sex 6 times over a year when her husband is away with army, 3 times when she was pregnant and 3 times after she gave birth 🤮. They then continued a sexting affair for another year during which we go to their vow renewal!!!! The sexting drifts off and in 2013 the best friend discovers old texts and the friendship and affair ends and I was never told.

Life got easier as kids got older and all I'm all we have had a great marriage last 12 years until I get a text from the best man's wife (I have had sporadic texts from her over years and turns out my husband kept in contact with her sporadically too to keep her sweet and keep the affair secret). She texts me her and my husband had an affair, refuses to give any details and now has a new man do I'm assuming she's cheated on her husband again. She said she wanted my husband to face the consequences of his actions...she didn't do it for me, she wasn't apologetic at all, it was pure spite.for what is worth...she fat, ugly, thick and an alcoholic and I know she probably thinks she has one up on me but she really isn't a catch!

So, after a day of lies and trickle truth my husband finally admitted it all.

He tells me he has changed and was stupid and he regrets it and has been so remorseful and started counselling.

His counsellor believes he has compartmentalised the affair. She also stayed that as he hasn't cheated since, he is like an alcoholic who removes drink but never dealt with the issue behind drinking. I am concerned by this all because:

A) the morality of it...who shags their best mates wife then becomes godfather to his son, invites him to be best man at his wedding and goes to his vow renewal? Who leaves his wife, who has pnd and childhood trauma with two toddlers and a newborn to shag someone

B) He finally told me he didn't use protection and he swears none of her kids are his but by the ages they could be and we have had to do std tests. I can't believe he would risk my sexual health all these years and he believes she was having other affairs so knew she was dirty

C) he has an affair with her and another girl during his last relationship so has NEVER been faithful

D) he didn't end the affair, the friend found the messages after two years, he didn't once try to end the affair

E) during that time I gave birth, had a 30th birthday, my kids started school, I had illnesses that led to hospitalisation, we had christening and weddings and he carried on this facade throughout

F) he actually said in counselling last week that if someone had given him a checklist only two months ago he would have said he was a loyal, honest husband...he literally felt no guilt or remorse about the affair until it came to light!

Is he a sociopath? A narcissist? Can he ever be safe? He is so upset, disgusted, ashamed and remorseful now he's taken a long hard look in the mirror and seen who he really is. He really doesn't want to be that man anymore but can he ever change?

Any advice appreciated for me and him! Thank you 💓

[This message edited by Evio at 7:45 PM, Monday, March 17th]

I am so sorry you have had to deal with this. From what I have read compartmentalism happens a lot, I have seen it with my husband and others. It’s really awesome that he is showing a desire to change, take responsibility, and grow! This will be a long road for you both, so take it one step at a time and give it time. I would ask your therapist to weigh in also

Evio,
It seems we’re both married to amazing compartmentalisers, I’m sure how or why people do this maybe it’s from early childhood?.
Where our H differ though is you mentioned your H felt no guilt until the A was exposed, have you asked him why he didn’t feel guilty or how he stopped himself from feeling guilty?.
The A ended 12 years ago, he’s been a good H since, so to say he believes he’s a good H in his mind that statement would be correct because he’s ‘made up for his mistakes’ (that you didn’t know about) if that makes sense?, maybe that’s what he’s told himself.
My H said to me that he tried to bury it in his mind and pretend it never happened, he wasn’t successful as the guilt was consuming him but your H had 12 years to bury it and pretend it never happened, maybe the longer time passes the deeper it gets buried.
I’m no expert by any means but your H seems to be making changes and trying hard to make things work, I don’t believe narcissists are able to do this but as I said I’m no expert.

My xWS is diagnosed narcissist and he was not remorseful. Had many A's over our M and never made any changes. He was always defensive and blamed me. He also has all the hallmarks of the disorder. You can look up narcissistic traits and there are lots of YouTube videos about it online Dr. Ramani is a good one. Your WS may have been a good compartmentalizer I'm not sure if he has any narcissistic traits from what you have listed. Especially if he is working on himself and abhors what he did.

He’s living in denial.

And up to Dday it worked for him.

My WS had an EA (emotional affair) 10 years ago that was short-lived, and he felt guilty afterwards so he hid the truth, white-knuckled it, and promised himself it would never happen again. Well, 6 years later, he entered into a 3 year long full blown love affair, and a year after I found about that, he finally confessed to the earlier one. When I asked him about it, he said that he buried it (like Bruce123's WS) and tried to forget that it happened. In hindsight, I can see how his interactions with me changed after that first affair. At the time, I thought the distance between us was because of having a young child, but now I think it was because cheating forever changes a person.

With the long-term affair, my WS was full on delusional. He convinced himself that a) I didn't really care about our marriage, and b) he was supporting me financially and physically (I became disable during the affair), so he was still being a loving husband (even though we had a dead bedroom and he was emotionally distant and drinking too much).

Is he a sociopath? A narcissist? Can he ever be safe? He is so upset, disgusted, ashamed and remorseful now he's taken a long hard look in the mirror and seen who he really is. He really doesn't want to be that man anymore but can he ever change?

Here's the thing - whatever mental disorder or personality flaw you want to label him with, it doesn't change what he's done. Ultimately what matters is how you feel about it. Can he change? We all want a crystal ball to tell us that, but sadly they don't exist. Again, ultimately you have to decide whether you want to risk your heart with him or not. Take all the time you need to figure that out. It's not an easy decision!! All of your concers (A to F) are valid and reasonable. Some people can get past these things, others can't. The only way for you to figure out which camp you are in is to live through it day by day until you get some clarity.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. You might want to read through some of the relevant threads in the "I Can Relate" section. There is lots of good discussion and advice over there too. Sending you strength.

Thanks for the replies everyone. It seems that my husband isn't necessarily narcissistic which I guess is good as I know narcissists very rarely changed.

He has been remorseful since day one but he is especially so after counselling and this week's counselling has triggered a deep sense of remorse in him and he keeps apologising and staying he is disgusted with himself, can't believe how he could treat me and the kids like that and how he never wanted to be 'that man'.

He is showing so much love for me and remorse and I do still love him so much. I feel our relationship is deeper and closer than it was 12 years ago at the time of the affair as we have both grown and emotionally matured so much. I don't think he'd do this again as he is so ashamed of the behaviour that has been exposed and has been open and honest telling people what he has done since he admitted it.

I've also realised that it was a problem with him not me...yes I could have been a better wife but he had unhealthy coping strategies that were ingrained in him and became his default...I did not cause him to cheat.

However, whilst I can discuss the affair at great lengths now without getting distraught it angry (I do still get distraught and angry just not 24/7 anymore) I still get struck but this belly dropping realisation 'my husband cheated on me for so long!' and the blood drains from my face and I think, how will this ever be ok? It hurts me that our marriage, which I do feel can continue and be good, is forever tainted by this sordid affair and that is such a bitter pill to swallow

Hang in there, Evio. You are only 8 weeks into what is usually a multiple year long recovery process. Your thoughts and feelings are quite likely to swing all over the place for quite some time. One of the things I learned in therapy is to stay focused on the coming days and weeks, the ever after years. You've got enough to deal with right now - you don't need to stress over how you might feel for the rest of your life.

Our brains desperately want the fear and uncertainty and anger and grief to just *stop*, but there's no off switch for this ride. With time, good counsel, and healthy habits, your internal state will eventually re-regulate (that's the good news). How you feel about your marriage then will be something you find out then, and it will depend on factors outside your control (like your WS's behavior in the interval). For now, try to stay focused on how *you* feel and what *you* can do, i.e. the things that are in your control. And try to accept that there will be times when you feel forgiving and loving, and other times when you're angry and resentful. This is all part of the journey.

I am almost 12 years from the worst year of my life.

I can tell you we are happily reconciled. But it’s a long process. The healing process is not fast but happens over time.

You will look back at the 1 year mark and realize you have healed in many ways.

Year 2 you will look back and see progress in your healing.

It’s often 3 steps forward and 1 step back. But often you realize you go a few days w/out the affair being a major trigger it impact hopefully by year 3. Life starts to feel a bit less impacted by the affair.

Hang in there!

I'm 10 weeks post DD today and things had been going pretty well but I suffer with bad PMS and so I knew this week was going to be hard. Whilst I don't feel suicidal like I did last pms week, I do feel sad, angry and betrayed. Whilst my WH had been handling my anger well up until now, it seems the anticipation of pms rage has made him instantly defensive and he has reacted the past two days when I told him:

I wish bad people would marry bad people and good people, the good people

He treated me AND his ex partner the same way in that he cheated on us both (I didn't know he'd cheated on ex or me until 10 weeks ago)

He feels like a stranger to me

I believe he is still the same man who cheated 12 years ago on me because he didn't address his underlying issues

He has something wrong with him because he never sought to end this on/on sex/sexting affair over 2-3 years and was able to compartmentalise it without feeling guilty.

He says speaking to him like this won't help he get better and makes him feel I have given up on him. I don't give a fuck about his feelings right now! Am I in the wrong?

Also I am annoyed he has a family member with special needs who keeps asking what my son is doing for a big birthday this year because we were originally planning a big family party or holiday but this affair reveal has put a spanner in the works! Instead we are planning a small family trip with just me my husband and sons, however, my husband will not tell his parents and family his plans as he doesn't want to upset them and is afraid they will book to join us! This just shows me he is still being a conflict avoidant, people pleaser and prioritising himself avoiding discomfort by telling them rather than prioritising his wife and kids who he has BETRAYED!!!

I am starting to realise the strong man I thought I married doesn't exist and he is actually a very weak man. Can he ever change? Should I just be on my own? I know he loves me and I love him but I don't know if thats enough to forgive his affair, lies, and above or his core personality of this weak, insecure, conflict avoidant, people pleaser I now realise he is

I am starting to realise the strong man I thought I married doesn't exist and he is actually a very weak man. Can he ever change?

You now are seeing the reality of the person you married, not who you believed they were (and what they led you to believe they were).

He may change. He may not.

The real question is — if he doesn’t change, can you accept that? Can you be happily married to him if certain things don’t change?

I don't know tbh. I would have said yes because he's such a good person, a good husband, a good dad, loyal, hardworking, kind, unselfish, salt of the earth kind of guy but his infidelity and lying contradicts that doesn't it?!

I'm starting to realise I could cope on my own, however, what worries me is when I hear posts saying real love is rare and not to let it go, and after A LOT of trials in the 20 years we have been together (miscarriage, sickness, mental illness, financial hardship, special needs kids, dysfunction FOO) we still both love each other. Should that count for something? Would I be silly to leave for something that happened 12 years ago? I just don't know 🤷

[This message edited by Evio at 6:26 PM, Thursday, March 27th]

First, this isn't something that happened 12 years ago. Even if he stopped sleeping with her 12 years ago, he still continued to lie and hide this from you up until you found out 8 weeks ago. So no matter how much he, or anyone else, tries to blow this off as old news, this is happening to you right now.

Second, you have no reason to believe that this is his only affair because he has an established pattern of infidelity. He slept with his best friend's wife and cheated on his live-in girlfriend with a different woman. The only reason you know about the affair with the BF's wife is because she told you and the only reason you know he cheated on his gf is because he told you while you were dating. So clearly, he's adept at lying, covering his tracks, and doesn't feel emotionally burdened by his secrets.

Third, since you're only 10 weeks out post-DDay, you might not be ready to make a decision either way. But before you commit to any path, I would advise you do the following:
1- Get tested for STDs
2- Consult with a lawyer so you have an informed idea of what you could expect for yourself and your children if you did divorce
3- Tell him that if he wants to save your marriage, he has to come clean about any other affairs from while you were dating and while you were married right now. Make it clear that any discoveries that happen 15 minutes from now, tomorrow, next year, or even 50 years from now will result in divorce. "I don't remember" is not an acceptable answer to anything.

I have done the std test. The affair with his ex was with the same AF. He assured me there are no others...I have no way to prove that either way, however, he has given me details he did not have to give me about the affair in detail...the AP literally just said 'they had an affair' and refused to give any further details.