SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So WH is on a business trip out of state with one of the women he exchanged inappropriate texts with. Work travel is infrequent for him (3x in 20 years) and a quick history is that he and this woman (who lives in another state) exchanged inappropriate sexual banter (ie. joking about self-pleasure/if we weren't in relationships we would probably take it further) but no sexting with each other, pictures and yes he passed a polygraph. He immediately stopped anything but work-related and shows me everything without asking (they are on the same team). So yes cheating but significantly more mild than many others situations, not trying to minimize just giving background for context.

Anyway...I logically and rationally know nothing is happening. He is checking in, face timing, giving me a rundown of all interactions, etc., and has been doing the work to be a safe partner more and more over the last year. But wow, I don't know if I was just naive or what, but this has me sick with distress, totally dysregulated. I guess I just need to vent. Over the last 2 months (16 months since DDay) I've started to think we may just get through this. I'm wondering if I was just rug-sweeping, forgetting, or finally exhausted from making his cheating relevant. I know I will never 100% trust him again. He has had 3 episodes of inappropriate/secret different people/relationships over the last 15 years ranging from mild flirting to kissing someone twice to the inappropriate texting 16 months ago. Since DDay he has changed more than I could have possibly imagined. But with the way I'm feeling, still worried I may be in the "it was a deal-breaker" camp. It sucks so bad that it may take another 1-2ish years for me to know this.

This woman doesn't know I know anything, this was my request that he just stop the inappropriate banter and stick with work-related conversation only. So during this trip, she introduced herself (they never met in person) and hugged him ( ) and they have had only a few small interactions (food is gross, what are you doing for your presentation, etc.). I knew I wouldn't like this and one side of my brain is okay with it but my body is NOT responding okay with it. This is new for me because I have NEVER EVER been the jealous type and stupidly thought it was cute/endearing if women flirted with him. For a few months after DDay I was so insecure, jealous, etc. but that subsided. I still am not feeling jealous but more grossed out, extremely anxious, and angry that this is my life now. I will always wonder about him because I NEVER imagined he would stray before, but now I'll likely always wonder whoever I'm with I guess. This is why I think if we divorce I'd end up alone. I feel just so broken.

Is all of this appropriate for the reconciliation journey? Is any of this a red flag or a signal to myself I may not be cut out for this? I'm sure the answer is yes it's normal and you just don't know until more time has passed.
As always thank you for hearing me and honest feedback.

Hello...based on what you said, I think this is normal part of recovery. You feelings are DEFINATLY expected. Personally, I don't think this is reason to jump ship...sounds like you have put boundaries and protections in place. Sounds like he is doing the work to be a loyal spouse if I read your post properly. A next level protection would have been for you to travel with him and simply hang out while he worked. Make sure to talk to him about your feelings and anxiety. He should accommodate you willingly and try to comfort. You know ...I would even go so far as to also him when he is not in meeting during work day....to have you on FaceTime or the like where it is as if you are with him, but virtually. Work through it. God give you wisdom and protection.

Thank you WoodThrush2 for the words and encouragement. We have a teen at home and a dog that is medically challenging right now but regardless so far I have felt pretty strongly that if I have to be with him in person that is a signal for me personally that I don't want the relationship to continue. That may change but I'm prone to anxiety anyway and that level of vigilance is more than my nervous system can sustain. I do think you are correct in that he is doing everything I've asked. Any of the wayward behaviors are not dealbreakers for me. It's more the secrecy and lying when confronted until I had evidence. If anything is going to be a deal breaker for me that will be.

I understand....but don't write off vigilence altogether as it is often just a stepping stone....to build trust with consistency over time. Lord bless you. May I suggest praying through the Psalms, and as you do, look closely for the Character of God.

Again, don't feel bad about how you feel. Talk to your husband much. Ask him to really consider if the roles were reversed, how would he feel...what would he want to assure his heart of your loyalty?

While I am not religious I do consider myself spiritual and your reply has been considering the Buddhist approach to healing from betrayal. Thank you I will be looking at this more :)

Sorry you're facing this.

He has had 3 episodes of inappropriate/secret different people/relationships over the last 15 years ranging from mild flirting to kissing someone twice to the inappropriate texting 16 months ago. Since DDay he has changed more than I could have possibly imagined. But with the way I'm feeling, still worried I may be in the "it was a deal-breaker" camp. It sucks so bad that it may take another 1-2ish years for me to know this.

Put another way, this is 3 times too many. You triggering over the fact that he is traveling with one of these women is compmetely understandable and honestly, these types of triggers will last a long long time even if he is behaving in an exemplary manner. Its just paet and parcel of the aftershocks of broken trust. The soul remembers.

As to whether you are in the "deal breaker" camp, I feel for you. I gutted it out for 10 years after my first wife's short lived physical affair with my then best friend. Turned out to be 10 years too many but,live and learn. It does take a lot of "tread off of your tires". Given that you have no evidence that he has acted out in a physical manner and seems to be in self-correction mode, maybe just stay the course as long as he remains remoresful and empathetic.

Strength and clarity to you ma'am.

Hi lessthinking.... definitely do not want to hijack your important thread, but I did want to clarify. First I advocate using practical means such as counseling, books, therapy, workshops, etc. But also, I personally am Christian, and I have found that Jesus is personal, and takes personal interest in those who come to Him. The Psalms just help you learn about His character, as well as the Gospels of course. Anyway, I look forward to your heart being helped.

@Doble

The soul remembers.

and

It does take a lot of "tread off of your tires"

really resonate, thank you

Completely normal.

We are over 7 years out from my dday and 4 from his. We are happy, and reconciled. But that doesn’t mean there can’t be triggers. Infidelity is deep trauma and a trigger can spiral you back to feelings you had early into it. The body keeps score is a good book that illustrates it.

Sounds like he is doing a good job from his side on doing what he can to help, so your beginning to feel you might make it is founded on facts and not wishes. Hugs to you, this has to be torturous.

Thanks @hikingout

It is torturous

I still can't bring myself to kiss him, a total aversion to it
I can connect physically in other ways (hugs and sex on occasion) but I continue to have an aversion to kissing him. I've read "The Body Keeps Score" and many other books, serval therapies/therapists, brainspotting, grief, and trauma work, and continue to feel blocked.
Oddly, or coincidentally?, I have been struggling to kiss him for years and after DDay I just can't bring myself to kiss him. I can't decide if my body knew somehow, just can't kiss when I feel disconnected, or if I have even deeper traumas, or maybe when I found out 12 years ago about "just flirting" something in me broke and I detached.
This thought is plaguing me now.

All good exploration.

Kissing is intimate. And for that level of intimacy you may need to keep building the emotional intimacy. That may have very well broken that connection.

I don’t know if your husband has read rising strong. We listened to chapters together and discussed them. This was a great start to communicating more deeply for us and helped us with our connection. It didn’t fix it, but it gave us tools and language. I read it independently and that helped but going through it together helped more.

We also did a Gottman retreat but I realize that not everyone is in the vicinity of one.

I will always wonder about him because I NEVER imagined he would stray before, but now I'll likely always wonder whoever I'm with I guess. This is why I think if we divorce I'd end up alone. I feel just so broken.

This part of your post really stuck out to me, especially bc I hear this idea a lot around here (I might as well stay with my WS bc I'll never trust anyone anyway). I just wanted to gently push back on this a little, but to explain I have to restate a brief part of my story: when the now XH and I started dating, he cheated on me for a weekend about 2 months in. We worked through it and I believed we had reconciled. Fast forward 17 years and he admits to having a year+ long affair with a MCOW and I ended the relationship immediately. I have been seeing a great guy for about 18 months now.

I say all of that to highlight the difference in how I feel with my current BF and how I felt for 17 years with my now XH. The cheating was always there with XH, even below the surface. I was and would always be aware that he was the kind of person capable of cheating. I can't say I have perfect trust with my BF (I will likely never have that again with anyone), but I don't panic as much as I feared and I trust him more than I thought possible. The difference for me lies in the difference between "could" and "has." My BF might cheat, it's possible, but he hasn't yet. Even after we R'd, I was always certain it was possible XH could cheat again...because he already had done it once. That low level anxiety was always there, even 17 years later. I didn't realize until leaving my ex how much peace can come from not having the experience that this particular person has cheated on me before.

So, will you be alone forever if you left your WH? Probably not, unless you decided that's what you wanted. I don't say this to encourage you to leave, only to provide another viewpoint in the hope that, if you decide to stay, it will be bc that's what you want, not bc you worry about being alone.

BallofAnxiety - Thank you for saying this as well...I consider this a lot so it's helpful to hear a perspective from someone in a new relationship.