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Just over a year out from D-Day and it’s my birthday and I have realised that if there is a ‘special’ moment that is just for me or him I don’t want to celebrate it with him. Father’s Day was the same, I cooked brekkie and we did presents as a family but then I was just miserable (but it was D-Day anniversary 1 in fairness).

I’m excited to celebrate with my family and friends but not just him. I know he has organised a date for us on the upcoming weekend and I just don’t want to go.

We’ve just celebrated our little boys birthday last week and I was so full of happiness and joy for that but just nothing that is special for us.

It’s so weird, I always feel excited for these upcoming events but when they arrive I just deflate. Anyone else get like this? Does happiness and excitement ever return for special moments?

Happy Birthday Webbit! I don’t have any advice, but just want to share the fact I’m literally in the same space right now. My birthday is on Friday and my WH wants to do something special, just the 2 of us and go away for the weekend. He asked if this would be something I would be interested in doing. At first, I was like, yea I think I can manage to go and enjoy a weekend away with you. Then after a few hours of thinking about it, I kinda just cringed at the idea of being alone with him for an entire weekend.

It’s sad because had he if offered me and a friend to go away for the weekend I would have been so pumped and gung ho … no hesitation. Thinking about that it’s with him kinda puts a sour taste in my mouth. Albeit, my anniversary was just last week and Dday is just around the corner here next month (too many "special" dates happening at once.

Honestly, I’m going to try to attempt to go. Not for him, but for me. I know I deserve it, and a night away from my kids would be great My recommendation is go for YOU! Maybe, you will surprise yourself and not just have a great time, but a great time together.

These special moments really aren’t the same right now and I think it has to due to the fact it’s still early in the healing process. I can only hope that in time they will mean something again. I’m always trying to remind myself that 2-5 year timeframe and hopefully there will be more of a sturdy ground beneath my feet.

Since my H absolutely ruined our 25th anniversary it’s been hard to "get excited" about it.

Every year I insist on a low key celebration because it’s just not the sane for me.

Everything else has rebounded and it’s all good. I also added a few new events like Friendsgiving sit down turkey dinner for 25 to 30 people in November and Christmas Eve family event.

You might be surprised that a weekend away can help turn things around. Consider it.

When my WW and I plan special events, I find myself focusing on the joy that it brings only to me, not us. I know that may sound weird, but I don't feel like a special couple anymore so in a sense of selfishness, I pick out particular parts of the event that caters to just me as an individual. The rest is just going through the motions.

It is totally valid and understandable that you are feeling the way you do. I can remember vividly feeling ambivalent at best about celebratory gestures from my husband for several years after the initial betrayal and after finding out it had been physical a few years ago. As far as whether that gets better… I definitely get excited for my birthday, Mother’s Day and even our anniversary now. In some ways it is better than it used to be pre-cheating. I don’t know if it is easier for me to be selfish now or what. But now he makes a very big effort and I just sort of lap it up. The anniversary did take the longest. And that one does sometimes involve me getting tearful at times. I think he knows the expectations are high- not in terms of the monetary value of gifts but the thoughtfulness. Long handwritten cards, carving out big chunks of time and planning ahead. If you aren’t feeling it then that is perfectly reasonable but it is possible you will feel differently some day.

Yes I feel this way as well. I suppose this must be normal. It is a painful loss for me because I loved our couples trips and traveling together. We do not even acknowledge our anniversary. By my request. That may come back or it may not. We haven’t really celebrated anything together as a couple since d day.
I have planned some epic travel that I wanted to do and focused on what I wanted to do. He was there but I was more focused on experiences than on him if that makes any sense. And I have overall enjoyed myself. I am focusing on myself more and not us as a couple. Thinking about our "couple" is still painful and not something I can sit in for very long.
I think you are normal in how you feel. If you want to go somewhere or go away with him go do it. Pick out things you want to do. I am glad I am still experiencing things as I slowly heal.

Our 6 year wedding anniversary is this weekend as well as our youngest childs bday (he will be 3).
My H planned Sunday all to us (he said he has the entire day planned with 2 events and then dinner).
I explained to him that I do not want to "celebrate" but I would rather see what effort he puts in to showing me how much he loves me and how thankful he is I am even considering reconciling.

At this point it does not feel "Special" it feels like a normal date night (day in this case) and I do not really see it as anything other than that. If he were to tell me happy anniversary I may slap him.. not really but I would dream about it.
To me it is a step towards something, towards feeling him out, towards letting me sit with the pieces that day of a wrecked dream because I have to, I can't avoid the feelings and I want him to be there, at this point I will say I do feel like it is finally US against THE A but it took a lot of hard work from my H for me to see it that way. So I want us together this day, as hard as it will be for me.

I am with you when it comes to the feelings you have, I ask him all of the time to tell me what makes us special and to be fair he tells me all the things that are still "sacred" in our marriage. I know it sounds dumb but even hearing him tell me that they never bonded over music, they never watched movies, they never went shopping, they never celebrated each others bdays, things like that really help me see that there are still small yet not so important things that I still share with him.
At first when he would tell me these things over and over , because ya know trauma brain... it didn't mean much. At almost a year out I am starting to see what the A was and I am truly seeing the disgust that he has in himself and in what he did and it is imminent he hates everything about it.

I know that things won't be special between us for a very long time but I do know that the harder he tries and the more i sit down with the pain and try to process it for what it was it does help and in the long run IF HE KEEPS THIS UP, I think I will find specialness somewhere with him again but we both have discussed this topic and we know it is years out.

We booked our vacation together just us next June for a week, we are both looking forward to it.

I hope you have a good birthday Webbit despite all of it, find your own way to celebrate it and if it doesn't include him then it is what it is, you need to do what you need to do to find peace.