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My WH and I just had an absolutely wonderful weekend. We got on better than we have for years (very much the pattern since D-Day), and just had lots of small moments of fun, tenderness and enjoying each other’s company in a day to day way.

I want to really celebrate this, but I have also had lots more mind movies and fearful trembles this morning. I would like to know why I can’t just accept that this genuine happiness could be how our future could be without the underlying ‘shaking’ fear playing over and over. It’s almost like the better things get, the more I fear it being a facade.
Anyone else has this when things are good?
Anyone got any tips on how to not mess it up?

I'm assuming that your D-Day was very recent and if so that explains to me why you are experiencing what you are. I go through the same thing and I am 5 months out from D-Day. For me it's fear, it's self protection

I believe that once my wife believes everything is comfortable between us she will slip back into old patterns and habits such as getting upset when I approach her with a problem or her just shutting down or deflecting, all of the above she did for the most part whenever I approached her with something that was bothering me

I don't want her to feel comfortable, I don't want her to feel 100% safe, I don't want her to feel secure in our relationship. I want her constantly thinking about it and worrying about it. I know this sounds cruel and maybe it is but she doesn't deserve to feel secure because it's going to be a long time, if ever, until I do.

If your D-Day was very recent I would not rush into the reconciliation. I would not rush into just accepting all of the good feelings and experiences and ignoring what has happened. Please do not feel bad about protecting yourself

I have a constant soundtrack playing in my head. No matter how great things are, my brain is saying BUT..... Just this morning as we were driving up the driveway he made a comment about how he wished he'd built his shop bigger, " Oh well, I'll just have to make the most of it. It is what it is. Or I could tear it down and start over". In my head he's talking about us. I fear he just settled for a life he wasn't ready for and didn't want. I've mentioned this to him before and he denies it, but it's what troubles me today. What if he's been pretending all these years because of guilt, shame or duty?

I could easily voice my thoughts at the moment and ruin the vibe, but I'm learning to filter my thoughts before they come out of my mouth. lol Some are truly NOT helpful. We ride motorcycles and he bought me a full face helmet. I've found that I can yell at him for miles and by the time we get to where we are going I'm feeling much better.

Not everything needs to be said. He is really working hard to be a good husband, father and papa. I'm choosing to concentrate on that for now.

Glad to hear you had a wonderful weekend. Enjoy the moments.

I would like to know why I can’t just accept that this genuine happiness could be how our future could be without the underlying ‘shaking’ fear playing over and over. It’s almost like the better things get, the more I fear it being a facade.

Your Dday was less than a month ago.

Only a week ago, your husband was threatening you with divorce because you insisted on knowing OW's identity.

You only got a name out of him maybe 2 days ago... after much badgering and negotiation.

You can't accept that this is "genuine happiness" because you know it's likely that your husband is still lying to you. There's nothing to indicate in his words or actions that remorseful for what he's done, beyond the stress and inconvenience the discovery has caused him.

You also intuitively sense that the only reason your husband is being extra sweet right now is that he hopes that this storm will blow over and you'll get off his back. You know that the minute you ask him a question that causes him discomfort or voice your ongoing pain, he will revert immediately to defensiveness, deflection, or attack mode.

Anyone got any tips on how to not mess it up?

This is part of an ongoing theme I've noticed in all your posts. Your husband has repeatedly used your fear of losing him to bully you into backing down, remaining silent, and allowing him to set terms.

If you take nothing away from this post, let it be this:

You are the spouse who was betrayed. Your husband is the cheater. He should fear that if he does anything-- no matter how small-- to "mess it up," he will come home to find all his worldly possessions strewn on the front lawn.

But if you accept the burden of keeping the marriage together and whatever scraps he throws your way, your only reward will be another Dday.

Ask me how I know.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:58 PM, Monday, September 9th]

Sorry I did not look at your previous posts. Listen to BTB.

Look up the term love bombing.

Because that is what your cheating Husband is doing right now.

You are smart enough to realize that he’s playing you and hoping you will stop asking who the OW is. He’s hoping to divert your attention from his shenanigans.

Good for you for seeing through this charade.

You deserve better.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:50 PM, Monday, September 9th]

Thank, yes, this is the fear - of letting my guard down and enabling WH to ‘forget’.

DDay was in January, so we have had 8 months, and WH has been generally very good, barring the very unsettling outburst last week and the big one about the OW’s name. But ‘leaning in’ feels petrifying.

At this point in your recovery, NOT mistrusting the good times would be a red flag. It's just way too soon to trust your WS - or yourself. You're still recovering, and in your case, your WS isn't healing himself or supporting your healing.

You're still trying to control the outcome. I think you see R as success and D as something of a failure. In fact, healing yourself is success. R & D come from your healing and from your WS's decision to change from cheater to good partner or not. Success comes from figuring out what you want and getting as close to that as possible. Success is dumping an unremorseful WS and maybe dumping a remorseful one, if that's what you want to do.

I think what you are experiencing is completely normal and most of us BS did/are doing the exact same thing. Of course there is fear and mistrust. One thing I learnt is all of this takes time and 8 months out is really not that long (even though it can feel like forever).

And Blue is right you have just had some recent issues ie the ‘outburst’ and only just finding out the AP’s name. Both these things, if me, would have put healing back a few steps that is for sure.

I have an open WH who has done all the right things from d-day and I’m just over a year out and I still do what you have asked about. However now I do it in a more positive way. I will write a message explaining my feelings then talk about it later. That seems to help contain angry outbursts (sometimes).

Your W should expect these issues however. They are part and parcel of your recovery and they bloody caused them. If I ever apologised for my outbursts my WH would either tell me not to be sorry as it was his fault or tell me he understands and talk it out with me or wait until I’m calmer. Without that I could not even begin to try to R

It took me at least 2 years to stop waiting "for the other shoe to drop ".

It’s all part of the healing process.

Thank you all; advice digested.

I really AM in a position where I do not trust WH, and he has repeatedly said he totally understands that and realises it will take years and watching his actions for that to shift. His behaviour to me and the family, apart from the two main things recently, has undergone almost a wholesale change.

I suppose I don’t want to get ‘stuck’ clinging to panic and fear therefore miss out on the good stuff.

Just like to add a further thank you for your responses. Re read them all again and they are all appreciated.

You will question things as long as you need to.

And I am hoping his commitment to you and the marriage is 100% real.

However you need to know that you will not let your guard down just b/c he’s being nice and he’s sorry.

It takes more than that. I would strongly urge you to put counseling on the table for the cheater so the issues are addressed.

The cheater can refuse, but then I would start to question why the refusal.

We are going to MC (yes, it was only on here that I realised that comes after IC). He has been willing to go to that from DDay.
It has really helped him see where some of his misreading of situations (and self justification) has come from, and he has very obviously worked to change his behaviour (I can see the cogs whirring when it looks like we might enter a familiar, unhelpful pattern of communication). So much has been entrenched and reflective of his FOO.

He is also now willing to have IC; we just need to find someone who will mingle support with serious, perceptive challenges to his ‘previous’ / latent outlook.

It is just so destabilising to get on well together and feel what seems like genuine affection and then hit the ‘self protection’ wall. But I guess totally understandable.
Thanks again.

Pardon, I thought your Dday was around you sign-up date.

Regardless, the discovery phase doesn't really end until the lies are over. Assuming that he's no longer lying, then you've only had the complete truth for a couple days now. Personally, I think that's too short of a time to commit to Reconciliation. He stepped out of the marriage; he should have to earn his way back into it.

The only way he will be able win back your trust is through consistent effort and honest behavior over time. You need to be able to voice your pain, ask as many questions as you need to, and ask the same questions over and over again until you feel satisfied with his answers.

If he responds with empathy, kindness, and most importantly, constructive action, then you will eventually start to feel confident in his sincerity.

But if, at any point, you get some variation of "why aren't you over this yet," "how long is this going to take," or mentions divorce (like he did last week), take it as a clear sign that all you're getting from him is a coat of paint... the walls are still filled with mold.

BTB: nice metaphor.
That makes total sense, and it is always useful to have those things clearly laid out by others on SI, so thank you.

Similar to what BTB said, new revelations basically reset your healing clock back to zero.

Please look up narcissistic discard, which also applies to sociopaths and psychopaths. On YouTube, Dr. Ramani has videos on abuse by these three.