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Hi All,

I know we have this whole topic of ‘Reconciliation’ and I believe my WH and myself are in the middle of reconciling (I think) but what does it truly mean? When do you know you are fully Reconciled?

I’m 2 weeks out from a full year since DDay so fully realise we have a very long way to go in recovery. I assume we have started the process of reconciling as we are living a pretty normal life these days, meltdowns are definitely becoming less and whilst we talk about the affair still it is mostly always very calm and it’s more about what WH has learnt about himself as a result of it rather than details of the affair itself.

I guess I’m just curious about what other thinks about this. Is it a very individual thing or is there a very specific set of rules / milestones you have to achieve to meet true reconciliation (lol)?

For me, being reconciled means feeling secure, happy, and valued. Feeling like we're on the same team and have the same goals. Us against the world.

I assume we have started the process of reconciling as we are living a pretty normal life these days, meltdowns are definitely becoming less and whilst we talk about the affair still it is mostly always very calm and it’s more about what WH has learnt about himself as a result of it rather than details of the affair itself.

That last bit is so important. That's how I knew that my H was being authentic. He told me so many times that he hated not only what he had done to me, but what he had done to himself. It's good to know that someone cares about you enough that they hate what they did to you and never want to hurt you again, but it's so much more reassuring to hear that they would never hurt themselves that way ever again.

As things settle down and the excitement wears off, it might actually become a little more difficult. For me, the hysterical bonding dissipated at about the year mark. I had chewed all the flavor out of the questions that I had about the A, and all I was left with was the boring old pain. I think everyone experiences it slightly differently, but I think that the recommendation to take good care of yourself is universally valid for every BS. For every WS, too, really. Sort yourself out, find something that makes you happy, live in integrity, and the rest will fall into place.

Reconciliation is what you decide is good enough for you. So there is no objective true version.

No rules or milestones — I think the efforts made along the way to rebuild the relationship are permanently folded into the day to day.

In other words, there is no finish line or a chance to spike the ball and be done with it all.

My reconciliation was about me healing enough and being strong enough to choose what I wanted. The old deal was broken, if I was going to stay, it had to be because the relationship had a chance to be stronger and be worthy of me.

On the flip side, my wife had to want the same and be strong enough to choose staying for a chance at joy again and not because she felt shame, guilt or obligation.

I think by the end of year two, I was finally certain we had a chance to get the M we both wanted and that’s really when the ‘team’ progress started, after me working on me for most of the first two years.

Every day now, over 8-years later, we wake up each morning and choose each other and choose kindness and find ways to make life a little better.

No rainbows or unicorns, just a tremendous amount of work, with two people wanting the relationship and each other.

I would say that I thought we were fully R by year 2. However I still had so much anger inside (not all affair related) that it really wasn’t until about 6 years from Dday that I would say I forgave him and felt we were fully reconciled.

There are always going to be those moments when something reminds you of the affair. But they are now short lived and don’t impact me as much.

Just don’t play Jazz music and we are ok. 😂

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:19 PM, Tuesday, August 13th]