Please excuse my language as I'm an Indian and English is not my first language and also my wife's chat which sounds like a kindergarten kid wrote it
So I had this porn addiction which she discovered right after marriage. This caused a huge issue in my sex life as i was unable to satisfy her well.
She too lost interest in having sex with me and we tried to improve our marriage .
I told her how my childhood trauma due to abusive parents and bullying led to this, she started using this as a weapon .
She would treat me badly and whenever we had a fight she would pull this as a way to keep me quiet .
I was abused by my parents to an extent where I lost all my self confidence and lived alone with no friends so I just continued.
She would constantly check my mobile because she was afraid that i might revert back to addiction and she would read all my personal messages and even read the teams messages of my colleagues.
The one thing that really bothers me is that she would never show any interest if i suggest to do something but she would be ready if her family tells her .
The one thing that kept me alive during the abusive period of my parents were those story books and i always wanted to travel and exploring and eat new food.
But for her, weekends or vacation means going to her family and she will drag me along .
But she also forced me not to go anywhere. My colleagues invited me for a drink after work but she threw a big fit that she is struggling to raise my child but I'm enjoying.
I had to cancel an office getaway because she threw a huge fight over it , she even fought when I had to go to Chennai for a business trip but I had no chance of canceling.
Yes I turned to pornography, but I also had some other hobbies that kept me sane like watching EPL, reading books, trying new restaurants etc but she slowly but surely made me stop all these .
Now she has new friends and then only I understood something important .she wasn't close to her family but she just wants to enjoy with anyone who is not me .
Even going to the mall, she would complain she was tired etc but she went on a 3 day trek with her friends where she walked around 20 km.
Also she has this whole " feminist vibe" or something, if i tell her to do some household chores which is beyond what our maid or cook does, she sarcastically replies why she should do , why am I pushing it to her just because she is woman etc.
I just want to divorce but I'm afraid of my life post divorce and about my 2 children aged 7 and 3 .I don't want them to grow up in a broken house and also I'm not sure if she might end up showing the anger towards me to my kids.
I always contemplate suicide because I'm alone , friendless, unhappy family , bad in careers etc but I din’t know when I might .
Then I noticed something, she was very protective of her mobile . She would take it even to bathroom also while bathing . So one day i tried to open and i found that she had changed the passcode of the mobile without informing me.
.Post the birth of second child, she slimmed down and started wearing modern clothes. I’ve seen her pubic hair trimmer in bathroom many times even though we hardly have sex in the last one year
She had gone out with her friends ( both male and female) twice . First she went for a marriage but stayed in a resort a day before. The second time it was a company sponsored trek. I’m now thinking if she had cheated on me during those times. She didn't mention the word resort the first time and just told about the wedding . Second time she just mentioned company sponsored getaway for 3 days. But didn't tell they will be trekking and staying in tents at night. Now I'm confused if my wife cheated on me because she didn't completely divulged the information
I thought to use breaking into her mobile uldn't control myself so I tried to access her phone while sleeping but she woke up and shouted for frightening her.
I asked her to open the phone immediately and she gave after hesitation .i sent to insta and she had chatted with a guy but she said he approached her and after he started using words like dear she stopped responding.
I apologize and went to sleep. The next day she went to the office and i thought there was something wrong so when she came back I asked her to show me her mobile once more. She refused but I said I won't budge until she gives .
I saw that one boy was always next to her in all the photos so I checked his chats and i found everything I needed.
9
I confronted my wife with those whatsapp chats. It led to a huge fight where she was telling the following things to defend me and that colleague.-
He is young and she felt him like some kind of puppy love exhibited by a high school student towards his school teacher
He has gfs and roams with multiple people so she doesnt think he was serious when he was flirting and giving compliments
She always stopped him when he tried to go overboard
They chat at the frequency of once a week not more.
Most importantly, if she had feelings for him. their chats would have a different turn and she might have ended up in physical.
She had also chatted about an fling she had before our marriage and how she met him once after our marriage got fixed, gave him a final hug and left. She had never told me in 10 years of marriage
For 2 hrs she defended this guy over me and i attempted suicide. So the next day her sister came to mediate . I told the following
Whenever he steps over the compliments, why is she not stern in warning him but giving simple statements like ""u r young"," im married " etc-
Do the words he used constitute sexual harassment in the corporate culture?
Why has she discussed things with him about certain college crushes she never discussed with me?
Why she has never explicitly denied whenever he gave her options to hang out
Cheating happens step by step and she is currently in the 20th of the 100 steps maybe.
He just needs a place and time and maybe some alcohol to get that.
Why should she defend herself so much instead of admitting her mistakes
. I also pointed out these chats that he is already planning for the next steps. Calling her for a midnight bike ride and party to a secret place .
Her sisters also joined in and said his behavior doesn’t seem alright but she said she didnt want to lose friendship over some of his stupid comments . They gave him a good scolding and she now has understood the gravity of the situation. She has promised not to chat with him anymore.
She also apologized for all the troubles she caused for 10 years and will try to change. I too promised to get therapy for ED and develop intimacy better . Now her sisters also know her emotional cheating.
So now we have a clean slate to start our relationship when she wont bring my porn addiction and I wont bring her chatting.
Next day i asked her about that fling, she said it was just a crush and it happened before i met her and she cannot tell it because we had agreed to drop everything as per pact. I said I need closure, she said we didn't do sex or anything and there is nothing to talk about
But now i don't know if she had cheated on me physically as well. I didn't find any evidence of trying to organize any meeting or any photos or videos of sexual nature .
I'm not angry that she cheated but how she gaslighted me all these days by using all my insecurity, making me feel that she is suffering under this marriage and always ruining my aspirations and hobbies.
All i Want from her is respect, nothing else. I want her to treat me like a husband and not some guy at home. She says she needs love but she doesn't know I tried my best to provide but I got out away because of her behaviour.
Is that tooo much to ask for ?
Screenshot of chats
[This message edited by Shivsuroor at 11:34 PM, Monday, May 13th]
