SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all,

Just curious if anyone in the recovery journey struggled with positive change when it began to happen? Right now I am in the best shape Ive been in a long time, going out more with friends, and through therapy I am dealing with my emotions/anxiety better. So that in turn has helped me feel a lot better mentally. However, it feels off to me that I am no longer having mind movies/obsessing about our current relationship so much.

Also I am noticing that my wife seems to be a lot happier lately too (which is really nothing to be concerned with because she has been focusing on her self-confidence, staying off of social media, and we are a lot better as a couple now vs before D-Day).

That being said I still can't help but feel like I should be in the same state I was a month ago, where I was constantly sad, angry and parinoid. Also that my marriage should still be in that early stage sadness/fear (it still is a little, but much less than a month ago).

Anyone else go through this?

It sounds like your lizard brain is scanning for the next blow. It's not uncommon when dealing with trauma. Especially when it comes out of the blue like A's tend to do.

Don't ignore your feelings of caution, don't stuff them. Sounds like you're doing a good job managing them when they come up by checking in with yourself and seeing if the feelings match the reality of the situation.

It's good to hear things are improving for you. I hope that it continues.

Enjoy this high and ride it while it lasts. Usually in R, the mood takes a dip when the excitement of discovery and new recovery connection starts to wane. Don't let that cloud your good time, though. If you make hay now while the sun is shining by setting yourself up for success later with good habits, friend connections, communication skills with your W, etc., the dip won't be as low later.

I hear you. We’ve reached a stage where things have calmed down considerably. After all the work we’ve done, I’m enormously grateful. There are moments where I try to feel grateful for the privilege of a little less intensity. But, I also am aware that it might not be exactly what I thought it was. Still trusting but verifying in different ways, particularly if triggered.

Hang in there.

Very relatable post. I've actually said to my WW or FWW (who the hell knows), that the biggest fear I have now is becoming happy and joyful in our marriage and finding peace and building something good with her. And that honestly may still be the death knell of our marriage. Time will tell I guess. But the point is exactly what you're describing I think. If things are good and joyful, then suddenly I have a lot to lose again. Sure things suck right now in this limbo hell, but deep down I know that if it all goes sideways and I'm hit with more infidelity, at least I don't feel like I'm losing much. Actually, it'd be almost impossible to blindside me anymore. I'm scared of getting to a place where I could be. I'm scared of going back to the man I was before Dday1 and having that crippling pain of loss again. Once you've had that shipwrecking wave come crashing during what seemed like smoothish waters, it's really hard to ever trust the smooth waters again. And I'm finding I almost prefer the stormy seas because at least I'm on high alert and my skin is somewhat grizzled to the salt water and blistering rains that pour in. But that's the rock and the hard place, right? I obviously don't want to stay in these storms for the rest of my life, never trusting and never finding peace and safety. But something deep in my soul is unwilling to trust calm waters and smooth sailing with her. Then again, it hurts like hell to let her go and let our love go, and in some way that seems like the worst option. So I just keep navigating the stormy seas hoping one day something inside me will switch and I can trust her at least a little bit, and maybe then she doesn't betray that, and that can start to grow. Because no matter how I proceed, unless I just decide to be alone for the rest of my life, I'm going to have to trust somebody. And there's always a chance that you can be caught off guard and have to go through everything I went through on DDay 1 all over again. No easy answers in this my friend.

1345Marine, you've nailed a key thing that keeps me from feeling safe, EVER, in my M things are good.

Like, I enjoy doing xyz, and H works hard to make sure xyz happens. Then I feel grateful and enjoy life a bit. And then... the anxiety starts. It will soon be my turn to reciprocate. H is going to want to feel special too as he'll feel drained from accommodating me. I'll try and set up a date night that he likes, but get more and more anxious that it's the thing he wants to do, that I'm dressed right, that I'm 9doing things right to help him feel taken care of and happy. Then he picks up on my anxiety and it's no longer enjoyable for him to go on a date with me, so he pushes back against going and I get more frantic to please. The anxiety escalates and we end up cancelling and H doesn't feel cared for, I feel unable to please him and despondent and my ability to participate and contribute to H's own happiness is now cut off by my own anxiety.

I'm so afraid that I'll screw up having a good time with my H that I end up not having a good time with my H.

Please, for the love of God, don't self sabotage like I do and get anxious over the good times.

Thanks all for the responses, it really helps to know its not a me thing I need to specially work on, and a part of the process.

MIgander definitely get that people on both sides have a lot of anxiety. I feel a lot of it too from my WW and I get it as well about her hurting me again. One thing that has helped me is recognizing when I am feeling something that is a me issue (aka only I can fix this) vs a we issue (aka we need to address it together). If its a me issue I am pretty good at being able to put it aside for therapy/talking to friends/alone time, so maybe it will help you as well. And saying or doing something nice for my WW or having physical intimacy like holding hands/cuddling usually helps dial back those anxiety emotions. Of course its not 100% fullproof, for example its my bday coming up and last Bday I was getting cheated on, so its tougher in these moments to not show anxiety. Which is also a part of the process.

1345Marine I can really relate to what you are saying. To be honest I don't know if peace is a realistic thing to expect when rebuilding the relationship. To have peace means to bring back the nieve part of you that wouldn't believe she would ever cheat. My main goal is to just be a strong couple and to feel comfortable/create special moments around her again. And definitely easier, and maybe for the best while you/her are getting your shit together, to not be totally invested. I still have one foot out the door myself, but I am trying to not let that hurt the recovery chances/process at all. I think you knowing it would hurt more to lose her vs stay is a really good sign for you to keep trying until you feel a gut instinct on if you two should stay long term.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 5:11 PM, Tuesday, August 15th]

Ugh- I feel you. When things get better then you feel you can't fully enjoy it. We know have more at stake here. If they stray again- then what? We have to throw away the joy and the effort etc. I am trying to tell myself to enjoy every day by being more mindful and intentional in life overall.

I've gained some weight because for a while I was just in survival mode. But this isn't worth compromising my health. So back to taking care of me and living with intention. It's sort of like the 180 described on this site. If we focus on self care and the relationship improves too then we still have ourselves in the end.

All messages I tell myself daily. My Mind movies have mostly stopped as well and I have thoughts not but they don't incite the same level of sadness or rage. I still wish the universe to take of the other woman (haha) but I don't think that will ever go away.

I think the key is to live moment by moment, day by day, keep your eyes open, study your partner in a curious way (why are they on their phone? how are they with you? with the kids? with others?) but not in a hypervigilant, drive yourself crazy way.

If they want to cheat again, they will. I've come to terms with the fact that NOTHING I can do will stop that. I can be an amazing partner and make the marriage a great place to be, but SO WHAT. They need to do the work and make the right choices.

Good luck- take care- we're in this with you

I think as BS we overlook one important factor.

I say this b/c I lived through it so this is just my opinion. It could be different for everyone.

Dday2 was not as devastating (to me) as dday1. This was his second affair and the first was strictly an EA (or so I thought at the time).

Dday2 was the kick in the butt I needed. I stood up to him and found a source of strength in me I never knew existed.

My H’s affair was 6-9 months. Dday1 was about 3 months in (my H admitted to the affair). At that point I had no $, a house I couldn’t afford on my own, kids, a highly toxic work environment and I was on my own.

Six months later at dday2 I was kicking him to the curb. I financially protected myself in that time. I had a solid plan together for me & kids.

I wasn’t the same person crying 24/7 and holding it together as best I could. I was a badass and I now had all the power. If he wanted to stay married to me HE was going to change.

I don’t fear another affair from him. If I suspected anything he’s out the door. No questions asked.

Yeah 1st Wife, we are all afraid of having that dreaded DDay #2. I think thats what makes all of this hard, to continue putting in effort in rebuilding the relationship knowing that it could be a waste/we get hurt again.

May we never see it, and if we do be as strong as you were.

Hopefully everyone here in R is having a faithful reconciliation journey where both partners are putting in the right effort.