This is going to be a very long post and am really sorry for that.
I am a 28 year old male.
I had my first relationship when I was 16. I also experienced my first betrayal at 17. My first partner got pregnant, and I wasn't the father. Our relationship was largely emotional. We did make out a few times but never had sex. So, when she got pregnant, I was super shocked and confused. All of our friends knew about our relationship. So, they all believed that I was the father. Naturally, her family also believed I was the one who impregnated her, and so they were furious with me. They harassed me and my family for the next 3 weeks or so. My family demanded a paternity test, and later, she confessed that it wasn't me but someone else. Her family backed off after that, but the damage was already done. I was shamed and embarrassed. I got a bad reputation in my neighborhood and lost most of my friends. Expectedly, my family suffered too.
I went to a different city for college. I went into depression. I felt insecure. It affected my grades. I was a popular kid, always doing some kind of mischievous acts while performing well at my studies. Had many friends and was fun to be around. Enjoyed good relations with most of my teachers, too. But after all of this, I went aloof. I became hyper self aware of my flaws. Went hard on myself for putting shame on my family. Her family blamed me for corrupting her, and I believed it, and so I blamed myself for that too.
When I was 19, a closed friend of mine proposed to me. I rejected her. I don't like having love realtions with best friends. I guess she didn't like that. There was a guy in my college who was very popular, more handsome and good in my studies. I was very jealous of him because I was like him a few years ago, but now I was something else. He was getting all the attention that i used to get, but now I was in some corner trying to get through my issues. I hated it. This close friend of mine sensed my jealousy for this guy, and she took advantage of it. Whenever she got the opportunity, she used to praise this guy and rub it in me to make me feel inferior. She would always talk about him in front of me. Always!! When I told her not to talk about him, she would get defensive and say, "You are jealous and have a massive ego problem". She wasn't wrong, though. This guy did nothing wrong to me, yet I was jealous of him, and somewhere deep inside, I hated him. But her rubbing it in me made me more miserable than I already was. Then I met another girl. She knew my story and had sympathy for me. She told me she understood my pain and wanted to help me. I felt good about it. She used to give lots of advice (many of these advices were silly and unrealistic, though) regarding any issues I faced. She also tried to help in my studies. We started spending a lot of time together. Eventually, we confessed we wanted more than friendship. I felt safe around her for a time being. She was helping me heal. But then I saw her getting closer with this popular guy. I was already jealous of him. My close friend made sure I always felt inferior to him. Then I saw my girl spending time with him, getting closer to him. My insecurity was off the charts. Insecurity induced depression was high too. I confronted her about this, but she said he also needed some help to deal with his issues, and that's why she was spending more time with him. There was nothing inappropriate going on between them. When i asked her what issues he was going through, her reply was, "You won't understand. So just leave it at that". That may have been true. But in hindsight, i believe she was in an emotional affair with him. But after her emotional infidelity, our relation dynamics changed a lot. She spent less time with me. She wasn't available to me whenever I needed her emotionally. But she was available to him, and it always triggered hard for me. My mind and environment became very toxic. I started behaving like a toxic person. I didn't have many friends at that time because everyone found me weird and toxic. On top of that, my grades were really poor.
But thank God, one of the teachers reached out to me. She was very young in her early 30s. My misery was very visible to the eyes. She saw that and reached out to me. I really wanted someone to listen to me and give me some real helpful advice. So, I told her everything unfiltered. I really felt a lot better when I unloaded everything I had in me. She listened to everything and then gave me some real advice. She told me what I was doing wrong and what I must do. It really helped. She promised to stand by me and guide me until I was in a safe place. With her help, I started to focus on studies and on my healing. I cut off my toxic friend and my gf. My teacher made sure they stayed away from me. I felt safe around her. I got back to my best form and did great in exams and in my healing process. At 20, I got selected to the first university I applied for. I was really happy. Made some really wonderful and reliable friends there after many years. Everything was going well. I was no longer depressed. Started enjoying my university life. I also started dating again. I dated 3 different girls in the next three years (not all at the same time😅). The last one lasted longest of the three. It lasted more than a year.
All these dates failed because I just couldn't go full on with them. I just couldn't commit 100% with them. They were nice, good-looking, and very much my type. They all expected more from me, but I always felt stuck and withheld(by me) during dating period. I couldn't let myself get too attached to them. I couldn't feel the intensity I felt in my first two relations. I felt like I was just stringing them along. So, I ended all three dates before they got worse. After the third date, I felt I was not ready for this now. May be am too young or too immature for this. So, I stopped dating and focused on my studies and later on my job. For the next 5-6 years, I didn't date anyone. I had a few opportunities but always declined because I felt I was not ready.
Now, I am 28. Have a good job. Also, preparing for the civil service exam. Many of my friends are finding love and settling down. This has made me feel lonely, and now I have started longing for connection and intimacy. A very good friend of mine arranged a date for me a few months ago. My date had 7 years long relation which ended 2 years ago. In the last 2 years, she didn't date anyone. Instead, she worked on her healing process. I do like her. She knows realistically what one should expect from relations, how to navigate through it, how to bond, how to communicate, and also when and how to quit when things don't work. She also talks a lot about boundaries and their importance in a successful relationship. Through SI, i have learned how important boundaries are, and this makes her a very good candidate for a relationship. I, on the other hand, am a virgin when it comes to relationships. I never really truly experienced love or bonding. None of my relations lasted more than a year or 2. And i always withheld in my past relations. Even though in terms of number of relationships, i score bigger than her, but when It comes to experiencing love and related stuff, i stand nowhere near her. It really felt good to learn what all she experienced through her past relation, but at the same time, I felt sad that I didn't experience much of that. One thing she never experienced that i had experienced in a relationship is betrayal, and I am glad she didn't experience that. Now the problem here is I am feeling stuck and withheld in this relation too. I thought 5-6 years of dry spell might have changed me. I believed I was ready for dating. Thought i had matured. But, alas, I am still at the same place I was 6 years ago. I really don't know what to do. Also, a family member and a friend of mine have both going through infidelity related problems in their respective marriages right now. These two incidents have really triggered hard for me for the past 1 year. That is how I ended up on this website. I have read many stories here. I have learned about infidelity inflicted trauma. I never really knew about this before. Now, I believe my predicament with dating could be because of the infidelity I experienced in the past. I don't know. That is why i come here seeking your advice and your analysis of my issue.
I really like this woman, but if I can't fully commit to her, then I should just let her go. 6 months from now, she will be posted to a different city because of her job. So, I have to know if I can really do this before her posting. She is looking for a serious partner. She doesn't mind settling with me if she finds me serious and compatible.I just don't want to string her long if am not that partner she is looking for.
1.So, do you really think my issue is related to infidelity inflicted trauma? If so, then how should I navigate through this?
2. With these issues, am I a safer partner to her?
3. Recent trigger is also causing me to withhold in this relation. Is it just a phase that will eventually pass, or should I do something about it?
4. I never felt this intense trigger for the past 8 to 9 years. So, should I expect such triggers in the future, too? Will they always be this intense? Can't i do something about it?
5. Lastly, what challenges or difficulties will a person like me who never actually experienced true love in my life face while having a relation with a woman like her who had 7 years intense relation?
I am extremely sorry for this very lengthy post and for trying your patience. Also, sorry if i made any mistakes in my sentences. English is not my native language. Thank you so much for reading.
