SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Last night I raged out on my WW. (See post on Tequila or Trauma https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=660473&HL=82964)
DDay was 2/1/2023 and I'm still dealing with anger/rage. She doesn't seem to understand. I do feel bad for my actions last night. Almost home and I Break checked the car hard, then accelarated and brake checked again a good 3 - 4 times in my fit of anger.

I could have hurt her physically. I feel real bad about that now. She left the house last night and went ... someplace else.
didn't take my calls or answer texts.

She came home this morning and said she is done and wants a divorce. Might be for the best. but....

I told her I thought it would be a good idea for me to drive south to AZ and stay with my Brother for a while. Her IC had suggested seperation and I thought that would be a horrible idea. I'm warming to it. Told her I hoped she'd reconsider D.

My plan is to stop drinking. Someone pointed out that Trauma and alcohol are a bad combo. I'm thinking that really any addictive behavior would be good to avoid right now. So I am going to focus on that, and healing myself. only planning on staying a week or so (don't want to wear out my welcome) and I know thats not enough time to heal myself, but the sun will be a nice change.

I also told my 11 year old daughter that Dad was going to go to AZ for a little while. She was upset that I wasn't taking her this time, and then asked why... so I told her that Dad and Mom were fighting pretty bad and it wasn't getting any better so I am going to go to AZ becuase we had to try something different and I was putting some space between us. She asked me to promise we werent getting a divorce.. which caused me to sob a couple times before I told her I couldn't promise here that, but divorce was what we're trying to avoid by doing this thing. I'm going to miss her so terribly - I prob. fucked this up too and should have lied or approached it differently.

Jdisco , you have been heard.

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much and experiencing great trauma.

I'm sorry your wife isn't remorseful and just thinking about yourself and wants to D you.

I'm sorry that your daughter is stuck in this mess too.

I think you did the right thing by telling her the truth that you cant guarantee that you and WW wont divorce.

Again, I'm sorry that you are in pain.

One day at a time.

You should talk to a good divorce lawyer before leaving the home. In many states, that can very negatively impact the outcome of your divorce both in terms of financial settlement and child custody.

As others have said, you need to get your drinking in check. As in stop drinking.

By the way, it's "brake check". You use your car's brakes to "check" (as in retard) the speed of a car behind you.

First, your behavior is your responsibility.

At the same time, you are trying to reconcile with an unremorseful WS. She has no remorse, and zero empathy. She refuses transparency, and won't answer questions. This kind of behavior from a ws will drive a traumatized BS to become more traumatized. It's cruel. Some would consider it abusive.

No,you shouldn't have lied to your child. You should give the children age appropriate honesty. Don't allow her actions to turn you into someone your kids can't trust.

As mentioned above, see an attorney before you leave. In many states, what you are suggesting is considered abandonment.

If she wants a divorce, and since she is the one who cheated,she can leave.

First and foremost, I really hope that the latest incident in the car didn’t involve alcohol. You drove while blackout drunk before and you could seriously get yourself or others killed with your reckless drinking and driving.

Your alcohol abuse is the most important problem that you address right now. Whether you end up divorced or reconciled is, quite frankly, irrelevant. Your daughter needs a father who is sober and safe, and whose behavior is predictable.

Also, if your wife follows through on D, then your drinking— and, perhaps more importantly, your behavior while drunk—could easily be used against you in court to limit your custody and visitation. And you know what? She wouldn’t be wrong.

BFTG is right that you should see a lawyer before you leave for AZ and ensure that you’re not legally doing anything that could be construed as abandonment (either of the family or the marital property).

But a part from that, I actually agree with your wife’s IC that separation is necessary. Your relationship has become toxic. Your wife has clearly checked out of the marriage and you’re acting out in desperation. The situation is unsustainable.