SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First I want to apologize for posting so much I keep going through new things and I have no one to talk to about it.

My WH has been at work since Dec 1 won’t return till Feb and DD was late/mid December. He works 12 hour days and the last cpl days he’s been tired so we don’t talk a lot after and I just feel like panicking. Outwardly he seems to be keeping his word but I’m so scared to be blindsided and hurt again, that him being too tired to talk sometimes almost breaks me. I can’t tell him these things I just hold them in but I feel so scared to be hurt again. I’m starting to feel such sadness and fear and that I’m just ugly.

How do I put my mind at ease.

[This message edited by Footinmouth at 3:57 AM, Saturday, January 15th]

Please call your dr and have something to help you sleep, and calm you down. You are going to be really ill if you don’t get some relief. You must take care of yourself!

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 4:41 AM, Saturday, January 15th]

He works 12 hour days and the last cpl days he’s been tired so we don’t talk a lot after and I just feel like panicking. Outwardly he seems to be keeping his word but I’m so scared to be blindsided and hurt again, that him being too tired to talk sometimes almost breaks me

What you are feeling is very understandable, very relatable.

One of the truths about discovery for the betrayed spouse is that this information (the actual details of who/what/when/how) are NEW to you. Also new is the stunningly painful truth that someone who claims/claimed to love you could be so deceptive, destructive, hurtful, and, thus, emotionally abusive (and also physically abusive--if the WS is exposing you to the risk of STIs).

The WS has been living the betrayal and justifying it in a myriad of ways--so, not new to them. But new and blindsiding to you.

I see in your backstory that betrayal has happened before. But this recent betrayal is new again...and it opens up all that past trauma too.

So, your worry and pain is so understandable.

I know that, when I was still reeling with the pain of discovery, I needed to process it every day (even multiple times a day) with my WH. In the beginning, the thoughts and emotions were all-consuming anyway--so processing the pain was helpful.

Moreover, my spouse being WILLING to process that pain with me indicated some remorse on his part and demonstrated his commitment to the healing process:
-It hurt him to face my pain, so he was willing to face some shame and pain himself
-He had dedicated LOTS of time to communicating with APs, so spending time with me (especially time that brought him pain) indicated his commitment to ME again
-Our discussions required him to feel and show empathy, which was healing for me and important practice for him (since betrayal shows a mountain of lacking empathy, avoidance, unhealthy compartmentalizing, and dissociation).

So, I feel for you immensely. You are not expecting too much to need solid (even extended) daily contact with your WS.

Do you believe your spouse is actually too tired to talk?
(Tired or not, he seems to be prioritizing his comfort over yours.)

Are you concerned that he is using "too tired" to avoid difficult conversations?
Are you worried that he is avoiding his own pain, shame? Not really owning it?

If he is legitimately too tired, could he make time to talk before work? At his lunch/dinner break?

If this isn't possible logistically, what could he do to demonstrate his support of your healing and his commitment to becoming a safe partner?

This is not your first rodeo and this DD was mid/late December; IMO, your WS should be bending over backwards and moving mountains to make you feel safe. He should be initiating this work (not expecting you to ask for it and then only putting in effort when you direct that action). You shouldn't have to motivate and manage his efforts to repair the relationship.

Overarching truth: Don't believe the words; look at the actions.
Do his actions show his commitment to you and your relationship?

Ty everyone I think I’m coping pretty well it’s just the times when I finally have a break and things are quiet that I allow myself too feel all these bad feelings. He does talk to me as much as possible during the day it’s just him being so far away it’s so hard to actually see the things he’s saying in action. It was just last week that she contacted him again he did show me right away and ignored it, anyway I said I could text her say pls leave us alone! That’s when he came out with more truth initially he said there were no dirty texts between them he admitted that was untrue he admitted to more physical stuff. Also he admitted to emailing her the day after D-day to try and smooth things over and lessen the blow more so she wouldn’t freak out and affect his work but I had already told him never talk to her again. Anyway he agreed if she didn’t stop texting now that everything was out I could text her and ask her to get lost.

I know this shouldn’t be about OW but I can’t stand her either had to here about how wholesome she was before this all started how she was like me "Ha". Anyway the affairs always seem to happen after an important person in his life passed away for some reason this how he deals with it.