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Any one else here have struggles around the holidays with performance anxiety?

We're trying to salvage our M and I'm trying to show my BH he means something to me and I'm trying to make the holidays positive and joyful for everyone- BH, kids, in-laws, my own family, friends. I feel like I'm on a tightrope. I spent Thanksgiving up north with my in-laws and was so stressed out I got a mild case of shingles (and I'm not yet 40! WTF).

All while trying to reconcile the shit childhood I had and emotional triggers of my BH and myself around the affair, divorce, work, finances, gift giving (long story for another post) and in general, the every day struggles of life.

Had a panic attack last night, and looking down the barrel of a few more (they tend to feed off each other).

So, am I alone here or is there anyone else struggling with this too?

Holidays suck.

Have you discussed this with your BH? It might be that decorations and perfectly wrapped gifts and cheerful holiday cards and scrumptious meals will make your him feel safe and valued, and if so, I see why you plan to make the effort. But if you have a finite amount of resources and energy -- and most of us do -- it's good to double check whether you're allocating them where they will do the most long term good. If the holiday effort is going to make you exhausted, overextended and on edge, you could roll into the new year full of resentment and entitlement that will erase all that progress in short order.

I also remember from your earlier posts that overspending is one of your BH's poor coping skills. Is the effort likely to die on the hill of a reasonable budget? Or have you decided to let that issue slide?

I wish I had communicated more with my BH after D-Day 2, which was immediately before the holiday season. I love all the trappings of Christmas and thought that keeping them up would give him hope and normalcy. I was terrified that it might be the last Christmas of our marriage. I later found out that he spent most of that week in suicidal ideation. He'd had a series of bad Christmases that he'd never shared with me, and having to put on a brave face was the toxic icing on a festive holiday shitcake.

You may have the exact opposite situation. Your BH may be like I was, all in on the belief that a happy holiday will make life feel safe and normal. If so, what's your plan to refill your own cup? How will you make time to recharge your batteries for the real work of R?

Hi BSR,

Thanks for posting back. The overspending was a major snag in our marriage. BH has done amazing work in that area to rein in his expectations around that. It's something he still struggles with. So, when I see him struggling, I want to "fix" what doesn't need me to fix and make it so he can have all that he wants. That used to be a major snag from my side with the relationship- overextending myself and building resentment. As for gift giving this year, we're keeping it lighter, understanding we still have much to pay down and a lot to save for. We're focusing on the kids this year and he's making an intentional effort to get me small things I enjoy, just as I am working to get him small things he enjoys. Better all around on the gift giving side. I have anxiety when it comes to BH's gifts right now because gift giving is VERY important to him and one of the primary ways he receives love. And, well, with my budget hang ups and his expectations... yeah. The residual anxiety I have from exchanging gifts remains and I'm trying to get rid of that particular "hangover" or Ghost of Christmas Past or whatever you want to call it .

My BH does like the music, decor and the excitement of buying gifts, wrapping and making sure the presents are just so. It makes him feel less burdened by his own unhappiness during this time as he is able to enjoy it through our kids' eyes. The last 2 years Christmas has been terribly difficult for him and he was asking if they would be our last as a family. He's not saying that now, but it could be because our MC assigned us work to not mention "divorce, suicide, insanity" during the holidays- that we had to actually focus on working on the marriage and not running from it.

Anyhow, even with that help, it's still a major pressure to do everything just right at this time of year. I do love certain aspects of Christmas- songs, decorating, planning small token gifts that are thoughtful- like stuff they like but don't usually get for themselves. I love baking with the kids and watching movies and seeing all the lights and what not. That does get obscured by my anxiety to have it be "perfect." I'm learning to let go of perfect and just enjoying the fun of a messier, less than Hallmark Christmas. It's helping me keep my basket more full than it has been in the past. It's just that there's so many background stresses that my basket is more like a cargo net and all the things in it are falling out continuously.

I'm afraid that if it's not just right, that he will be unhappy and the blame will fall on me. In the back of my mind I'm still aware that he's thinking of divorce. Three days after our MC session's assignment to not "escape the marriage", he was talking about divorcing me. Then, this past week, he was talking about how he wanted to rearrange his family's trust (which he had been depositing his paycheck into and which we borrowed from to help build our house) in case we divorce. Basically, I hear, "I'm thinking about divorcing you MIgander, but since I'm not allowed to TALK about it to you, I'll just keep it in the back of my head and keep thinking/planning/justifying it. I don't trust him to not decide to up and divorce me if this Christmas sucks and it's MY FAULT that it does. It's just that, while I'm working on the marriage, is he only pretending to? Who can blame him?

I have this belief ingrained in me that if things go wrong, if people mistreat me, if something negative happens in a relationship, it's because I'm to blame. Thanks mom and dad.

It sucks- just when I think I'm working through my issues and gaining traction, another trigger comes by and BOOM back on my ass. At least this time it's a different trigger, I was able to identify it within the same day. I'm discussing them with my BH, so when I go anxiety attack crazy when he's unhappy, he's at least go the cold comfort of knowing where the sheer VOLUME of my emotion came from. It doesn't help that his walling off in defense against me mimics my dad depriving my mom of care and affection. It doesn't help that his saying what HE would have done so HE wouldn't have been disappointed/hurt sounds like my dad blaming me for people bullying me/ sisters abusing me/ my unhappiness.

My dad's favorite thing to tell me was that, "If you had just done this, then you wouldn't have had them treat you that way." Like, "You did something half assed/ disappointing/ klutzy/ absentmindedly/ defied common sense and so, it's your fault that they bullied/ rejected/ excluded/ ignored/ beat you up." In other words, a lot of my BH's reactions to my failings is, "if you had just done x or y then I wouldn't be walling you off right now." You know, that all may be true, but when your kid's crying because people are throwing rulers at her, putting dog food in her lunch, barking at her because she wanted to ask questions and referring to her as a dog (or bitch when the teacher's not around- yeah, 5th grade was fun)... yeah, not the time for that. Or how about when her older sister stubs cigarettes out on her arm or calls her ugly, worthless, fat, stupid, piece of shit every day for 3 years (until I was big enough to nearly choke her to death). How about paying some attention to that instead of saying, "well if you hadn't taken her hairbrush out of her room..." Maybe pay attention to why your 14yr old daughter thought that the only way she would be safe in her own home and skin was if she kicked the shit out of her 17yr old sister and had to literally will her self to stop choking her. How about he come home and take some responsibility for that shit?

So, anytime my BH starts in with, "if you had just done XYZ like I would have done... and then I wouldn't be walling you off/ unhappy/ distant/ etc." If only I had the hair boobs clothes parenting style decorating style mannerisms spirituality Deliah had, then he wouldn't have been so unhappy with me. It's my dad all over again and I put up with it (until I snapped) because it was how I was raised- to expect little to nothing in terms of warmth, support, respect, affection and intimacy (aside from sex) from a man. That's how men treat women and if you get anything better than that, you're amazingly lucky. I TRIGGER HARD.

Shit, really, just comparing the two- I think my affair was the same kind of snap that led to me nearly choking my sister to death. Scary.

BH has really cut down on the rage yelling, the comparisons, the overspending. He's worked really hard to be compassionate with the children and not get easily frustrated and dump his anger/disappointment on us. He's worked really hard to make sure he's listening to my needs. He's stayed in this marriage with me after everything and is even going to counseling. He's shown that he cares, is working hard and doing his best.

It's like this, the more I'm able to identify childhood triggers and my over reactions from them, the more I can communicate with my BH that, yeah, what he did hurt/was insensitive/whatever, but it (90% of the time) wasn't THAT horrible.. anymore. It's just that when little triggers come, on top of all my other stress, I still can have another anxiety attack, argue with BH for 2hrs, hate myself, get stuck in shame and cry myself to sleep in fetal position on the couch. Then BH is left by himself with no happy companionship and a wife who's of no use to him, who only hurts him, causes him grief and worry.

Fucking hate my life. Hate my childhood. Hate what I allowed/made my marriage to become.

I think the only thing I've fixed from hating is my birthday. Figured out why that sucked so much for me from the time I was 12 (dad was on business trip and I had JUST got braces on the day before- got treated to further bullying on my bday by the same ass hats who helped make my life miserable in middle school). Figured out that I hated my bday because it reminded me of THAT birthday on a subconscious level- that I mattered so little to my mom and dad that they would schedule braces and a business trip the day before my bday. Basically tells you you mean shit to them, and you know, their convenience is more important to them than your bday. That you can't expect anyone to go out of their way for you, that you're not important and really, if your PARENTS don't care, then I shouldn't care about me or expect anyone else to either. That I need to ensure I am not a burden on them. It fucking sucked that on that 12th birthday, I was comforting my mom and telling her it was ok I got the braces the day before (and couldn't even eat my chicken sandwich) and it was ok dad was on a business trip- I knew he loved me and I would be ok.

Once I connected with all that, I was able to realize that my bday wasn't a shit day- that my parents were shit parents and the bullies in school were shit people. That them bullying me and neglecting me had nothing to do with ME- but everything to do with THEM.

Now, though, when BH reminds me of my dad, I lash out at him, become defensive and angry. Angry that I get blamed when circumstances are out of my hands (as this was). Angry that I have to comfort another adult in my life for something out of my control. I tried to shoehorn our plans in after a long day of delays at work, when really I should have given it up. That was the only thing I could have controlled- calling BH at an earlier time and telling him to go on without me. He would have been disappointed, but not as stressed about being late. However, I didn't do that, BH got stressed out and blamed me (like my dad) for my work project delays/difficulties. I was trying desperately to keep him pleased and happy (like I was with my mom). Only, when I got blamed for circumstances outside my control, I took all the hurt and injustice I had from when I was little and my dad was blaming me for everything wrong in my life, I threw it back on my BH. He didn't need to blame me/ shame me. He also didn't need my argumentative defensive reaction.

He needed me to comfort him in his disappointment and make it up to him. Except, when he is in need of it, he lashes out at me (in small or large ways) and I trigger and lash back. Then, instead of the comfort and empathy he needs, he's left with my pent up anger and frustration from my childhood. In addition to my anger at being expected to comfort him after he stabs me with a small knife.

It's like a child holding a cat. The child wants to snuggle with the cat, so it grabs it by the ears. Only to be astonished when the cat lashes out with its claws as its ears are being yanked. So frustrating. Why does he lash out if he wants comfort? He can't be vulnerable with me because I have broken his trust in every way. Yet, for me to be able to comfort him and open myself to him, I need him to be honest and vulnerable with me about what he needs.

I need to start praying more for our MC. He's got his work cut out for him.

That got wayyy off track. But since I'm in panic attack mode... what you see is what you get and why I can't sleep or calm down or trust my instincts or do more than try to live day by day. Let alone strategizing for making the holidays special for the kids, keep my BH happy, keep my work going, keep my house clean, decorate, bake, cook, keep my inlaws happy... I feel responsible for it all (thanks mom- taught me I had to make her happy before I could be happy), especially if I fail (thanks dad). Oh, and since his beloved pet name for me was, "Princess Dingbat", it's no surprise to anyone when I do.

I do paint my nails sometimes? Water my plants? Work out more? Got a hair cut which was nice. I go to choir on Thursdays, which helps. I do read sometimes. I might watch tv tonight even. After I take a melatonin and drink a BIG glass of water. That's it. That's all I'm doing (aside from the Christmas stuff I do like) to keep my basket full.

Instead, I'm struggling not to become a basket case

The stop sign has been removed per OP’s request. BS members may now post on this topic.

BS here. I chimed in to say that for the first time since DDay 1 in 2017 I'm just now beginning to feel a tingle of holiday spirit. Keep in mind that on top of DDay in 2017 - I had more DDays [same LTAP in 2018] and in early 2021 had to get an attorney involved for a Cease and Desist to be sent to LTAPs cyberstalking and cyber harassment.

This is the first year that I haven't said "fuck you" to the cheerful decorations. That I actually enjoyed picking a photo for our Christmas Cards, that I have wanted to venture down the isles without trying not to cry because I felt all the cheer was mocking me. This is the first time in years I smiled wrapping gifts. This is the first time in years that I was an active participant in selecting our tree instead of wandering the tree farms like a lost waif. I could go on [and on and on] but you get the point.

I'm not singing carols from the rooftops. I still don't have the Christmas station tuned on the radio. But this is the first year I've felt glimmers of wanting to celebrate.

WH has always been into the holidays. Gifting, decorating, baking, carols, traditions, etc. It pained him [yes - I'm rolling my eyes typing this] to see that joy gone from me for so long.

I find the view from the "other side" interesting. Which is why I responded [I was this close to making my own thread about this]

I know time and patience isn't the answer you were hoping for. And I'm sorry. Up until this year when people would tell me that, I'd curse them mentally. But this year - 4 years after my world first ended - I feel a glimmer of celebration. I can only hope it keeps returning.

You aren't alone MIgander. BS or WS you aren't alone. And I am glad you removed the STOP sign so I could finally tell you that. You aren't alone.

Thanks Chaos for the kinds words.

I can really relate to this:

This is the first year that I haven't said "fuck you" to the cheerful decorations.

From my own M, after the kids came and the financial abuse kicked in, I had felt this about Christmas. Getting presents when you're getting tax auction notices and worried about the power being shut off kills the Christmas spirit.

This year is a lot better though- we're planning for Christmas expenses, actually making reasonable expectations around them, and getting our mortgage re-fi in, so budget problems are subsiding!

For once, I'm beginning to feel like I can participate in Christmas for me, and not just for everyone else. It's a good feeling.

Oh, and the fake cheery secular "Holiday Music" stuff just pisses me off. It's like eating a spoonful of pure sugar. The first spoon, ok, but anything after just makes me want to vomit. Also, it's just so fake. I've never known a Norman Rockwell kind of anything with my family- even though we had a lot of the trappings growing up. My parents' marriage was such an unhappy sham that I felt like anyone who seemed to have that "picture perfect" family thing going on over the holidays were just being phony or fake. I'm realizing that's not always the case, and that people can love each other despite their problems and flaws, but it's taken a long road for me to even consider trusting that.

I tune in to the Christian stuff with the traditional carols and that to me, really helps me tune into the joy of the season. Not sure if that's your thing spiritually, but I truly love the opportunity to celebrate His birth. I have a lot to be grateful for from what He's done for me.