SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been two months since I found out my wife cheated on me. I confronted her two days later. It was an emotional affair with kissing one time. I know that’s hard to believe and I didn’t believe there wasn’t more physical but that’s where I stand now. But I know she is still in the “fog” and still in love with him. I’m certain of no communication other than her sending a birthday card to him last week. Yes, I am very kissed about that.

Anyways, we are working on reconciliation. Good days and bad. Bad days are when I bring up the affair at all.

I recently came across her work laptop password.

Her password his the affair person’s last name and birthdate.

She doesn’t know that I know that.

Should I be upfront and confront her about it?

Do I let it go and see if she changes it on her own?

Do I trick her into letting me use her laptop where she has to give me the password?

Thanks!

Respectfully, you are not "working on reconciliation", OP. You don't even know everything that happened and your WW barely seems regretful, nevermind remorseful. Your WW is instead working on getting no consequences for her bad behavior.

You are asking for advice on how to play Marriage Cop, this when you are not being called on to sweep everything under the rug. That's the best I can do in regards to your specific question, I am sorry.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:18 PM, June 26th (Saturday)]

AngryandSad101,

I don't think you're actually in reconciliation. That is why the "bad days" are when you bring up the affair - your wife wants to rugsweep. Reconciliation is a gift you give to a remorseful spouse that has done the necessary work and earned a possible second chance at the marriage.

You don't even know what you would be forgiving at this point. You need to have her create a timeline of the affair with all the activities she and the OM engaged in along with what she was feeling. This needs to be confirmed with a polygraph, which will confirm whether it went beyond an EA into PA.

You should probably both have an STD test and abstain from sex until you receive the results.

If the OM has a significant other, you need to inform the OBS ASAP without informing your wife. Sunshine and exposure kills the affair and the affair fog.

If your wife is not interested in taking these steps, you should consult with an attorney to determine what a divorce looks like in your state. Have her served. This is brinksmanship but it often shocks a spouse out of the affair fog. If it doesn't, you're looking at a divorce anyway.

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 9:34 PM, June 26th (Saturday)]

I am sorry you are here and dealing with her betrayal. You are not working on reconciliation. Your WW is still actively pining for her AP and keeping reminders of him hidden in her password. Please read in the healing library. Implement the 180 and stop doing things for her. She fired you as her H. Do not do the pick me dance and try to nice her back. She betrayed your trust and she should be offering up full transparency and working hard to earn your trust back. Is she in IC to find out how she could betray her H? Is she displaying any remorse? It appears she is just biding her time until she can leave you

Look, always value yourself. You deserve better than a deceitful lying partner pining for someone else. You are the prize. Tell her she is free to go be with him but you will not tolerate the disrespect she is showing. Ask her if she is keeping reminders of her AP and see if she lies to you. Take action and always value yourself. Good luck.

But I know she is still in the “fog” and still in love with him.

Don’t try to reconcile with a Wayward that’s in love with her AP.

My XWW was still in love with her AP when I tried to Reconcile. It didn’t work.

As much as you love your WW, she doesn’t love you. You have to detach.

Yep ask to use the laptop and see what happens.

One day at a time.

Having the password to her laptop opens so many other doors, I would not tell her you know this just yet.

The best thing to do is to clone the entire hard drive and keep it safely stored after you extract any info you can get.

I know not many here are as tech savvy as myself and some others…I wish you could hand it to me for investigative prying.

I would clone the drive and install it in another system and log in. It can be done, it’s not difficult if you know how and have some spare hardware.

BTW, in the mean time you can simply take photos of pertinent messages etc that you may find on the laptop.

It is essential that you start reading articles on this website that are basic 101's for new people dealing infidelity.

Top left hand corner of this page is a yellow box which has a icon called the Healing library. Click into this and you will find a variety of articles to help you.

If you go down to the bottom of this page, and go to page 2, towards the bottom of the page, or maybe into page 3, you will find various articles there, that you will find very helpful.

Things that are very important..

Do not do the 'pick me dance'.. It will do so much damage to your self esteem, and allows her to be in control. You'll end up a puppet on a string.

Read about the '180', and implement. This is to give you distance so that you can think more clearly.

Try and eat, even if you can only eat protein bars. Hydrate, but stay off the alcohol. See a doctor for sleep assistance if needed. And exercise.

Unless you are willing and able to make firm strong decisions, these will help you in this initial stage.

Bad days are when I bring up the affair at all.

Reconciliation would be so much easier if only the betrayed spouse had amnesia.

You know buddy I think you two need a dead serious discussion that your marriage is over if she keeps that attitude about her cheating. Confront the hell out of her.

Jesus it's hard enough trying to bounce back from your spouse's affair without your spouse guilting you for feeling bad about it. Or continuing it in her own pissy little ways.

Don't trick her. If she changes the password, you lose an important source of information.

Don't tell her everything you know and the source right away. When she learns how much you know, she also understands what she can hide.

This is not R. Her A with him still continues, EA at least. And it is not unlikely that PA has gone further in the past. Home visits but just kissing doesn't seem realistic.

Ask her for a detailed timeline of her A that will be subject to a polygraph test.

What about the VARs, are you still using them?

Good luck.

Strength it is a sad and difficult situation you are in!

Keep the password and do not tell her, now or later, it likely will help you that you will have access to her laptop, you will regret it later seriously should you give it up, do not do it and keep the password!

Expose her affair to family and friends, expose the affair to OBS, exposure helps to destroy the affair and get her out of fantasyland and to let OM run away and dump her.

Read as much topics in this JFO forum and advice given therein to learn about what you actually are dealing with.

Focus on YOU in the first place and not on 'her' and not on 'her and you' and not on 'you and her', focus on YOU and be your own best friend in the first place, as you were before you ever met your wife (you were good to yourself then and happy in life, your wife is not critical to your happiness), do the 180 (see Healing Library)

Strength and best wishes.

Sure, ask her to log in for you. Why do you need any more reason than that she has broken all trust and her showing that she is willing to be transparent is part of rebuilding the trust. If she does not give you access, that reinforces what you already know......she is an unsafe partner not interested in fixing what is broken in her that allowed her to cross the boundaries that she did.

As others notes, you are not and she is not in R. She still loves her AP, She is not fully no contact as proof from her birthday card. She is still betraying you and your M. You are in RS (rug sweeping). Even if you did not have the password, if you asked a cheating spouse to log in and let you look and they refused, again, more deception, more betrayals. more dishonesty. You know what you need to know to make decisions. If you really want to choose R, keep in mind, you cannot choose R alone. Both must be willing to do the work. She, as a wayward, has a lot to do before you could consider R. You are buying time by rug-sweeping and avoiding. These will not lead to anything stable or good.

I do agree with those that advise you do NOT let her know you know the password. If she runs to the store or takes long baths, login when a safe opportunity presents itself, but do not let her know you know it.

Unless and until a wayward becomes enlightened and brave enough to own fully every last detail and truth of their A, embraces empathy to their BS and remorse for the manipulations and pain, and demonstrates the focus and energy necessary to find and fix what was in them that let them betray.....unless your WW sincerely embraces and owns all this, there is no R.

If she gets angry, instead of showing empathy and remorse, when you want to talk about her cheating, she is miles and miles away from being safe or honest or trustworthy.

Sorry bro, you're not in reconciliation. You are in denial and your WW is in affair fog. She's trickle truthing you and you're trying to find out the truth.

According to cheater's handbook, kissing = already had sex.

Where did the kids occur?

How long did they kiss?

Was there tongue?

A kiss is a very big deal because studies of infidelity show the kiss was the very last boundary's that once crossed lead to sex

Where did the kids occur?

How long did they kiss?

Was there tongue?

A kiss is a very big deal because studies of infidelity show the kiss was the very last boundary's that once crossed lead to sex

Hi, don't tell her you know her password.

Continue to sleuth bc you probably don't have the whole truth.

She sent him a birthday card? You are the only one in reconciliation at this point.

So, so many of us here, including me, were told they only kissed. Later finding out there was much, much more.

You should be able to bring up the affair, daily, several times a day if need be. Non-negotiable.

How did you catch her?

Is the OM married?

How does she know him?

We're they ever alone or date, or ride in a car?

In your last posting on your last thread you wrote.

It’s been 44 days since I confronted her. She claims it’s over with him. However, she still has feeling for him. She cries in the car and talks to herself. Says things like “I miss him so much”. “There has to be a way. Just not right now”. “That kiss was amazing”. So maybe it really was just a kiss??

You also wrote about an excessive amount of sexting and three meet-ups at his house... She only admits to one kiss that happened prior to the meetups and sexting. You have also stated that she still feels like she's in love with him.

I'd hold on to the work passwords and check her email. See if she changes it herself. She's still not fully into Reconcile... she's typing his information into her computer daily. The talking in the car makes me think she's trying to come up with a work around to continue the affair. Don't give away your sources you may need that information. She might feel like her work computer is a safe place to maintain contact with him.

Good luck