SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I was happy married for years, until that day. I can’t remember a day without love messages, it felt so special. But I now know that he was no different. I found out the affair after several months. Of course, like most of you experienced, he says he is confused, doesn’t know what to do, he loves me, he wants to be back to our beautiful life... I need to get out of this madness, because he is still in A.

I am considering legal separation instead of divorce. No kids. The only reason is that his health insurance is much better than what I am getting from my job, and I have a chronic situation which is very costly.

But I want to feel free. I don’t want to feel like somehow I am connected to him. Or, I don’t want him to think I am his back up plan. Those who went through or going through legal separation, how do you feel emotionally? Do you still feel attached? Whereas the idea of divorce feels like I am not a part of this ridiculous show anymore, I am free...But I am not able to go that way at the moment.

[This message edited by Merti at 11:23 PM, August 8th (Saturday)]

The only reason is that his health insurance is much better than what I am getting from my job, and I have a chronic situation which is very costly.

Completely understandable. HOWEVER, don't assume anything. Some insurance companies won't let you remain on his plan if legally separated. Not saying this is the case. Rather, I'm saying to verify that you could stay on his plan if legally separated.

Not every state recognizes legal separation. Mine does, and I considered it early on. Then I realized I didn't want any connection at all and pushed for D instead. I do not regret that decision at all, and looking back I know I would not have felt free.

I have a work colleague that was legally separated from his wife for over 15 years for the same reason - benefits. Everything was sailing along fine for years. She even lived in a different state. Then she wanted to remarry and they needed to get D. Even though the legal separation agreement was in place (often used as the basis for a later D), his estranged wife decided it wasn't good enough and she wanted more. It got real ugly and really expensive for my colleague. He told me he regretted the legal separation and wished he had D from the beginning, even though he was trying to be decent by keeping her on his benefits.

Anywho, food for thought.

In my situation, we are legally separated but still considered as married (if that makes any sense).

The only reason we are not D'ing is that in our country, in order to organize our wills the way we want to, we need to be M to avoid a 7 figure tax.

In the (unlikely) event either of us wanted to M someone else, I guess we would D and figure out something else for the wills.

You can be free if you are still living with him.

It’s detachment.

Yiu live in your own world and he’s not a thought. You get to a point where guiding care if he comes or goes. Look up grey rock. Google it.

He’s confused? Good thing you are not. Don’t let him allow YOU to be a backup plan for him.

My children are young adults. I give them my advice. If they don’t follow it I don’t get in involved in their drama or help them fix things. I let them figure it out.

Thank you for your responses.

Phonix1, yes, those are important things to consider.

The1stWife, he is an interesting type, a “nice” person. You would never know what he is capable of by looking at him, so with this “nice, caring” attitude” he will try to communicate when in the same house. It makes it difficult to detach for me but I have, to a great degree.

ZenMumWalking, do you feel emotionally detached from him?That’s what I am hoping for. I hate this whole situation so much that I don’t even want to be connected to him on the paper..

[This message edited by Merti at 11:41 AM, August 10th (Monday)]

My H (at dday2) would try to talk with me. I would look at him and just barely respond.

My thoughts were pretty darn mean but it kept me detached. He’d tell me about work or something and I would be telling myself “please tell someone who cares b/c I sure don’t”.