SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good evening,

I never thought I’d be in this topic group but it seems more and more likely things will end on here.

My issue today is more of a rant so apologies but I’m so frustrated with my WH. I basically spoke with a solicitor yesterday, just a brief chat to get in my head the processes and legal side of separation and possibly divorce. I’m just so tired and I do feel like a failure in that sense.

Anyway she sent me over an email afterwards with details of mediation groups to help if that happens so the finances etc can be sorted fairly.

I told my WH this morning and he had zero emotion and just responded with “what did she say”. I mean, am I expecting too much for him to have any opinion on this? He didn’t follow it up with anything and hasn’t asked to have a chat since he’s got home either! I’m sick of the rug sweeping.

It makes me think I’m just gonna go ahead. Why do I have to start the conversations all the time to try and sort this?

Actions say everything. He hears what should be alarming information, and you get indifference. I'd take that as your answer. You aren't the failure here. You cannot create a good marriage all by yourself. After infidelity, it is NOT YOUR JOB to fix the marriage. If he can't feel remorse and empathy, he is wasting your time. If he can't interact with you like a normal human being, he is wasting your time. He should be the one crawling to you doing everything to fix this, but he isn't. He's wanting you to shut up and let it go and stop bothering him with your problems (that he created).

That just reminded me that when I finally asked my ex for a divorce, months after R and him 'getting some space', I had in mind we may still back out and successfully R. I thought when I actually met him and told him, he would be sad, or upset, and want to talk me out of it but nope. Nothing. Then a friend of mine told me she saw him at our local Walmart of all places right after and they had a normal chat, talked about cars. When I told her I had minutes earlier asked for a divorce and had myself been bawling at home she said she had no indication from him any thing was wrong or had just happened, he was in a normal pleasant mood. It was a confirmation for me that I was doing the right thing unfortunately. (or fortunately I guess).

Your WS not wanting to talk about it, even if it wasn't a bad sign, and even if you still are on a good track to R, is SO MUCH like what mine would have done. Ugghhh I hate that memory. And what kept me moving forward at that time, was knowing if he miraculously became interested in saving our marriage in a serious way, we could always back track.

He should be trying to stop you if he wants to stay married I would think? He should be falling over himself WANTING this marriage. Was he surprised?

I don’t know what he felt, I put off telling him last night because he was in good spirits and didn’t want to make him upset etc by bringing the mood down.. This morning I thought if I didn’t tell him It would be on my mind all day which I don’t need so I thought he may get moody and silent etc like he does whenever I try to talk about ‘us’ but he didn’t and just carried on getting ready for work.

I don’t want him to be sad etc but he’s just ‘normal’ . Went on the Xbox when he got home and went for a soak in the bath after dinner, happy as Larry!

Quite honestly it’s hurtful!

It's a power move from him too, quite possibly. Like "I'll be damned if I let her know she hurt me". Playing the victim. Showing you how much you can't get to him and how he will not participate in this situation.

I also made the first move to D, my WH earlier this year.

I went to my Lawyer with everything required to commence drawing up the financial settlement.

The next day I told WH to get a Lawyer and do the same. He was very hesitant. I forced him to find a legal firm, sat next to him while he made the call and booked the first appointment. I prepared all the paperwork for him to provide to his Lawyer.

That was February and he is still stalling.

We are separated and enforce NC.

I messaged him A few weeks ago to call his Lawyer to get things moving forward to Divorce.

He is still hesitant but won’t D without a ‘proper’ settlement. Meaning, that he wants more. Wants me to suffer longer and walk away with less. I am willing to offer him more of the assets than first agreed upon in February but he’s still holding out or is banking on me backing out of D and reconcile!

If you are serious, play your hand and push your WH to seek out a Lawyer.

What my Lawyer and I have discussed is strictly confidential and I am not to discuss it with STBXWH. My lawyer will deal with his. It’s easier that way. No emotions.

Well today he’s mentioned booking a week away and I said it’s expensive and up to him as I don’t really feel I should say book it when I don’t contribute much financially. His response was “it’s our money not just his” with added “ for the time being at least”

I feel rotten about it all, maybe the break away together will do some good I dunno!

Oh geeze. He is 'nicely' messing with your head. It might not even be in a calculating way but the results are the same for you. This is just nice enough to force you to be the bad guy if you choose to D, but not nice enough for you to feel comfortable with this R. This is a different sort of crazy-making. More subtle than the shock of discovery etc.. This is what he is and will be, you just have to decide if this is what you want. He may never cheat again and you may settle into a decent marriage. It is hard to tell, but odds of you connecting on a deeper level are slim. I have a couple of married friends that are like that and seem to be fine for the moment. Everything else materially is good, they basically get along, and they weighed the situation and it was worth staying married. For me, I knew I couldn't live like that, and there is always that undercurrent of disrespect for them. The financial benefits weren't there either for me like they are for them, and I am better off without him in that way as well. Good luck sorting this out and trust your gut.

Take care.

I know what you mean, this is the battle I face all the time. We essentially get on but that’s it really. I still want a separation even if it’s short term as I’ve never had that break from him since I found out. I honestly just don’t know what’s gonna happen but even with a short getaway, unless day to day things change , I can’t see the situation getting better long term :(

Well it's worth it to bounce your thoughts off of SI here as you go forward. Keep us updated as well.

Actions speak louder than any words. If his actions are screaming he doesn't care, then he just doesn't care.