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Sorry about the TMI aspect of this... if you aren't prepared to deal with that... well, you have been warned.

Alright. (just killing some space because of the TMI).

The sex life between WW and I has been a bit off lately for a myriad of reasons... the usual... too busy, kids staying up late, kids coming into our bedroom early, whatever. I don't think either of us is particularly pleased with this.

We are going away tonight and we had obviously planned on having sex. We have a handful of sex toys that we use very rarely. We keep these in a safe so that our kids can't find them.

We had discussed bringing a specific sex toy along with us tonight. So, just now, as I was packing, I went into the safe to grab this specific toy.

In doing so, I noticed that another toy of ours was missing. This specific toy was purchased a week or two prior to D-day... it's a little egg shaped vibrator with a remote control. To my knowledge, it has never been used. I certainly wasn't keen on using it in the aftermath of D-day and it's kind of been forgotten about since then.

Anyway, I decided to call WW and ask her if she knew where it was. She claims that it is with her, that she took it to work with her, and she was planning on using it during her commute so that she would be wet when she got home from work.

The thing is... this feels an awful lot like the lies that she told me when her affair was going on. She has never done *anything* like this, with me at least.

Ugh. Affairs are such a mind-fuck!

I suppose anything is possible. But, I'm sorry, this just doesn't sound right. What is your gut telling you?

TMI right back at you.

I can understand this. I often take a little more warming up than I used to as I age, and I do sometimes "fluff" when I know we are going to have sex so that I am a bit more responsive to my husband's touch. Like your wife, I would not necessarily tell my husband this out of nowhere but I have told him when he inquires.

That being said, what's your gut say? You know your situation better than anyone.

My gut is a blinking red light right now.

In October 2015, my WW sent me a short video one morning while I was at work. You couldn't see much in this video, but based on the sound... it was clearly of her masturbating.

I initially thought this was really cool. After D-day, though, I learned that I was not the first man to receive that video.

This feels an awful awful lot like that.

I often take a little more warming up than I used to as I age, and I do sometimes "fluff" when I know we are going to have sex so that I am a bit more responsive to my husband's touch.

To my knowledge, she has never expressed anything like this in the past.

In addition, we have a couple of hours of driving to do (with kids), so it doesn't make sense that she would bring this thing with her to work... show off a little... then wait five hours?

I'd suggest that you, first, let the element of surprise pass so that you can really listen to your gut. Sometimes, when something odd happens, PTSD fight or flight chemicals flood me, and I can't really hear my gut. Worse is that I THINK it is my gut, when I am really just triggered. I practice my mindfulness techniques, and once the trigger passes, I am able to really listen to my gut and examine whether I need to investigate, quit the marriage, or whether it was a trauma response.

Second, if you have simply triggered, and you do not need to investigate or quit, I'd suggest that you talk to your wife about the feelings. Don't stuff it.

Regarding five hours, I don't think it sounds that odd. I can fluff hours before and be very ready for my WS later. The build up helps.

Regarding not expressing it before, I don't tell my WS just out of nowhere. He would never have known unless he asked. It wasn't something that seemed significant for me and didn't really come up before. Like, I had no reason to sit down at dinner and tell him "hey, I am almost at menopause, and I am slow to warm up, so I fluffed myself today." And it is a new thing for me as I enter the end of my reproductive years so it wasn't there before to talk about.

[This message edited by Hardroadout at 2:41 PM, July 20th (Friday)]

I know trust is a huge issue for you. Check to see if she is wet when she comes home this evening. Separately, at some point, ask about that chronology thing -- why would she take it to work to "fluff" on the way home if, after home, there is a couple hours' driving before the two of you are alone?

Uhh.....I think barcher said the kids would be with them.

No offense, bftg, but....gross. I don't want to be aroused with my kids in the vicinity. Not only that but it is almost impossible to get aroused with children around.

Plus, no matter how quiet those things are, they aren't silent.

Sounds a bit off to me.

However is she embarrassed or ashamed about masturbating normally?

My thought goes to this because I know just how chaotic summer is. Both kids coming and going at all hours. Both of us working 10+hour days on the reg. Frequent travel for work. Sometimes a girl has to take matters into her own hands.

If she has shame over masturbating I could see this lie. But it does NOT excuse it or make it acceptable. It warrants further discussion for sure.

However is she embarrassed or ashamed about masturbating normally?

She doesn't like to discuss it, but she will admit it if I directly ask her. The thing is... she uses a different toy (the one that I was going to bring with us) for masturbation.

Have you checked the safe since DDay? Is it possible it's been at work or in her car all this time and she forgot until you asked about it?

I agree that the story is super weird. It doesn't make sense to me. Ah yes, I needed to bring my masturbatory tool to work . . . ???

And if she's commuting, she's either on public transport or she's driving . . . neither of these is an appropriate scenario for masturbating.

This screams "I made up a crap story rather than tell the truth." But I could always be wrong. In any case, the real problem is making up a story rather than saying uncomfortable things. She can't do that.

Is the toy you normally use small and discrete?

I do think it is a little odd in that I would never, ever bring such a personal item to work. But, I don't think fluffing is odd, nor how long before, nor that it wasn't something previously mentioned. I also don't think it is odd to think about sex while commuting, at least to the extent that I am alone. As the previous poster noted, if its public transport, that is absolutely inappropriate.

I don't think it is necessarily lying either for any spouse to tell the other every single time they touch themselves. I certainly don't know every time my WS touches himself. But, we know we both do bc we have open lines of communication.

[This message edited by Hardroadout at 3:13 PM, July 20th (Friday)]

Hi Barcher,

Sorry, but something about this doesn't sound right to me.

The thing is... this feels an awful lot like the lies that she told me when her affair was going on. She has never done *anything* like this, with me at least.

She may not be cheating again, but your gut is telling you that she is lying.

We BSs had better start listening to our gut.

What is she lying about?

I’d be asking for a picture of it right now... or else she will be buying a replacement on the way home, me thinks.

Have you checked the safe since DDay? Is it possible it's been at work or in her car all this time and she forgot until you asked about it?

I am in the safe daily or nearly so (I keep my weed in there too).

She admitted that she took it to work with her today, but I suppose that could be a lie too. I don't know how long it has been out of the safe.

I have been checking her cell phone usage. She definitely has been texting a specific number an awful lot lately. It's time to figure out who that is...

I don't think it is necessarily lying either for any spouse to tell the other every single time they touch themselves.

I don't either.

Let me back up...

She has a history of masturbating and sending the videos to her lover.

Also, she has NEVER used this specific toy to my knowledge.

My question would be, Does she have it when she gets home? If she doesn't then it was probably used another time.

I would say just relax enjoy the time together and see how things play out. But again sometimes I still forget that its post dday, and I still don't know crap. So see how it goes.

I think that you need more information about what is going on here. The fact that your kids are going to be with you is a huge problem in the story that she is telling you.

Things don't make sense because they don't make sense. This doesn't make sense.

Ask who that number is. Take her phone. You know the drill.

Hey B144,

Why would she need to be wet for you when she gets home when you just said neither of you really have the time or privacy to do the deed?

When's the last time you saw the egg?

Barcher, does your wife have any idea how nuts that was! There are now pictures of her that he can show anybody, any time, any where.

I don’t get it, I don’t get it, I don’t get it! That kind of behavior makes no sense. None.

Listen to your gut.