SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is your wayward ex as delusional as mine?

She frequently proposes dropping in to pick up more of her belongings, as though it doesn't disturb me to see her (I've told her again and again). All through the divvying up of household property she acted like it was a normal thing. She would try to make chit-chat, and when I got tight-lipped in response, she'd be taken aback, like "aren't you over it, yet?"

No, I don't want to hear all about the cute little house she bought. I don't even want to know where it is!

D-Day was August, 2016, our divorce is due to go through next week. She's been making my life a misery by dragging out the negotiations since last winter, much to my financial and mental detriment. Even my "keep emotions out of it" lawyer is furious with her.

Today she sent me some info on tax preparation. "I found this place to get free help with taxes, you might be interested." Twice she sent me info on a concert she thought I would like. Twice, even though I told her that anything she recommended would automatically be tainted for me.

She wants things that remind her of me, such as pieces of my artwork. No f***ing way! How can a person kick their spouse to the curb and then get all sentimental about fond memories of them???

I've explained over and over that, duh, her presence brings up the trauma SHE INFLICTED on me. Every time she comes over to the house (now all mine, thank goodness) I am anxious and distracted in anticipation, and afterwards I have difficulty sleeping, nightmares, and suffer from more distraction during the work day.

But it doesn't sink in. She seems to have an idea in her head that we're going to be on friendly relations. So, obviously, if I don't follow that script, I'm in the wrong.

I know this is going to come to a head when one of our kids gets married or some such thing. She's going to make me out to be the screwed-up one who can't get over it like I "should. "

Mine doesn't want to be friends thank god. I'm lucky in that regard. She doesn't go anywhere without OM carrying her purse and she knows if she brings him around my home he'll be leaving in an ambulance.

But yes she is just as delusional, mostly regarding DS13 and why he won't embrace her new life. They're all idiots.

Did someone page for a delusional spouse, party of one? Mine is all that and more. He’s also extremely easy to manipulate because he thinks he’s smarter than he actually is. And yes I do manipulate him. Lol.

Not to threadjack but feel free to share some fun ones in a new post or PM to me freetogo!

Mine is absolutely delusional. But it works for me at the moment so I let him think what he wants. His bubble will be burst at a later date.

You're only path is a hard 180 no contact.

You control your phone and life not her so stop responding and pack up the rest of her shit and put it on your porch.

The only one keeping you in this is you.

They all do this. Partly because being’friends’ makes them feel less like the vile, no-integrity pieces of shit they are and partly because they are hoping we’ll keep being their ego kibble vending machine..

Remember, they lived a lie for ages so this is normal for them. It’s just sorta kinda weird that we know about it now too. Doesn’t mean they won’t continue to try to live that lie, right?

I’m civil and cooperative because it makes my life and my kids lives easier. Plus I don’t actively hate him anymore - I just find him repulsive. I haven’t looked directly at him in years.

He only recently got the memo and has stopped the chit chat. Now he engages me in inane email debates about the girls. He has worked out how to drag out essential discussions.

Cunning like the rat he is. It’s super fun 6 years out. Not.

Don’t respond unless it’s kids or finances. Not even to tell her to stop because that keeps her hooked on the ego kibbels.

Cold Turkey like what’s in their underpants.

BeeBee64:

Sorry to read your story but I can relate. I am about 1.5 years ahead of your and had a similarly minded cheating wife.

Since your divorce is set to be finalized next week, my advice is to avoid her as best you can until the papers are signed (mostly to avoid any more delays). Unless specified in the divorce agreement, once you own the house you also own all the contents. My xWW thought I would be her storage facility after the divorce where she could come and go. She never asked but just assumed I guess. With signed papers in hand, I complied with her taking the items that were hers. Once complete, I boxed the rest of the crap up and took it to Goodwill. When she emailed about picking something else up later, I simply responded if it's still on the shelf at the local Goodwill you can drop by and purchase it. She got the message. Please note it wasn't done primarily out of spite (although there was a little of that). It was mostly to draw a boundary saying you walked away, this is no longer your house and we are no longer husband/wife or friends.

I haven't posted in a while but your soon to be xWW sounds so much like mine. In her mind, we would divorce yet be best friends. She wanted to have coffee regularly, have periodic family meals together and sit together at the kids school functions.

From this I learned two things: 1) This was not for me or the kids - it was for her. She wanted to maintain her image around the other school Moms and have family time when it worked for her. 2) No contact really really is your best friend. Will it be hard and really really suck - yes - but over time with no contact you will start to adjust to your new reality. No contact will break the habit of having her in your life and you will learn to move on. No contact provides an added benefit of really allowing you to see what a selfish and damaged person you were married to.

If you have kids, focus on being the best Dad you possibly can to them. Life is short and they grow up so fast.

Merry Christmas and I wish you the best.

My divorce papers allowed my XWH to come over ONE TIME to collect his personal belongings, his clothes and his jewelry.

And it had to be within 30 days of the divorce.

Don't allow her to abuse your kind and generous spirit anymore. You'd probably also be within your rights to box up everything of hers that you want out of there and set it in the garage and give her 30 days to pick it up. Or take it to the final divorce hearing and hand it to her.

But yes, they're delusional. Mine talked to me about his dental problems while he was there and then asked if I knew where his High School letter jacket was. It was the only thing he took besides his clothes.

Yep.

She is totally delusional and has wanted to be friends since our split.

BUT... in order to be friends, I have to supplicate to her will on all decisions regarding our daughter, paying for discretionary things far beyond our agreement and outside my parental values. I have to take care of the aging dogs she once wanted and now has no time for. I have to pay for the damage she did to my car when DD did a last minute switch on cars to take to college.

Of course, I have quietly refused to cede control of these things to her. Consequently, she has retreated back into a delusional world in which I caused her to have an affair and she is angry at me for pushing her onto his dick and forcing her to text him a thousand times a month, etc.... etc...

Whatevs.

Thanks for the commiseration. It helps.

BeeBee64,

My last Dday was in August 2016 as well. Still separated.

My WH lives with OW and already has a new baby with her and WH still thinks we can be friends! I have told him on numerous occasions that, that isn't going to happen. He still tries, so yes, my WH is as delusional as yours and thinks I probably should be over the affair and all the hurt that comes with it by now, so we can talk like we use to.

Like you, I have ZERO desire to hear about his new life. I have no idea what sex the baby is nor do I want to know..Etc.Etc...

He's delusional to think he's going to have his AP and baby and then me as a friend on the side. I mean, seriously? What am I going to do, ask how home life is with OW and baby? Get real! Yeah... that's not going to happen. Nor do I want him knowing ANYTHING about me. I mean, he wanted me out of his life so he could be with OW. Now I'm out and he wants me back in? You can't have your cake and eat it too buddy!

Like your XWW, MY WH doesn't truly get the trauma he caused. Not in the slightest. He actually feels he 'saved' us as our relationship was in a toxic place at the time. I mean, really?

I have been doing the NC thing since early November and 4 times last week WH tried to contact me after being silent since then. First to just see how I was (didn't respond) then to see if I deleted my facebook (no asshole I just blocked you, but good to know you've been creeping me), then again to see how I was hoping I was okay. The fourth time he got his friend to check in on me to see if I would respond to her, and when I did two minutes later (no exaggeration there), he texts me asking if I blocked him (since I hadn't responded to his first three text!), so clearly he was in communication with the friend that I fairly immediately said hello to. I'm sure it's driving him nuts to know I'm purposely ignoring him, but I don't give a shit.

Now, I don't have kids, so in that sense I have it easier than you as I can have no contact forever. You still have to deal with your kids, but I wouldn't respond to the 'hi, how are you text' or the text about concert tickets etc.... If it's about the kids that's one thing, but do not respond to any other meaningless text from her that attempts to just have contact with you to stay friends. She has to learn boundaries at this point. She will eventually learn over time, that you will not respond to anything that doesn't have to do with the kids.

Give it a go and see. It can't hurt.

[This message edited by SonyaR at 7:22 PM, December 23rd (Saturday)]

Sonya, he already has a baby with the OW! And he wants to be pals with you. I think he’s on an even higher level of delusional than my wife.

When my soon-to-be-ex was here in the fall clearing out her stuff, she kept trying to ask about my life, and I had to resist - which is difficult after 35 years of shairing thoughts with a person. I dropped my guard a couple of times but then her phone pinged, I glanced down and saw it was a text from Bimbo the Bike Boy. That made it much easier to shut down any extraneous conversation.

Gee what a great Christmas Eve. Not.

Looks like you are some what open to her ideas/ways. show full 180, including out of bound in your home. Remember WS need the feeling than BS cares about them to fully enjoy cheating. She is at a loss to lose a good man like you. I would have never stepped in to the hospiatal after what you read on the computer

[This message edited by goalong at 12:53 PM, December 24th (Sunday)]

Go along,

I need to have some contact for practical and legal reasons. As soon as that is no longer the case, I’ll be cutting off contact.

It will be difficulut to avoid her entirely. Almost all of my closest friends are also her friends. And we have adult children.

BeeBee - Yup, the baby was born in October. So clearly conceived in January/February-ish which is about 6 months after they met.

He didn't tell me until August!!!

So there I was hoping and praying we could possibly still R (as crazy as that is) and he kept that secret from me for 6 months knowing that couldn't ever happen.

Just shows you what a coward selfish ass he is.

Before I found out, I on many occasions showed vulnerability and openness in the hopes that he would come back to me, but each time I did, he either laughed or said some snarky remark. I can count on one hand (more like 2 fingers) how many times we actually had a sincere adult conversation since Dday.

With that said, He has always said "I hope we can be friends one day" Ugh..... No. Never going to happen, even if my heart wants that. I just can't be. It would be masochistic of me. I told him that before I knew about the baby, and now that there is a baby that certainly will never happen as I don't ever want to hear about it.

(WH and I were actively trying to have a baby heading towards IVF due to fertility issues when Dday happened, so him having a baby with OW so quickly felt like a double betrayal and still does)