SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Overall reconciliation is going well. WH is doing everything to show his love and remorse. I am learning to be a better person, as well, in all my interactions. He is undergoing many deep changes that feel authentic and lasting, and therefore many days I feel I can forgive him for the A and move on. But there is a dark shadow obscuring the way; at times it feels like I have a sword hanging over my head. I now am a carrier of HPV16, the aggressive kind linked to cervical cancer and the rapidly increasing rates of oropharyngeal cancer and others (penile, anal, vulvar). My colposcopy last November confirmed CIN1, mild cervical dysplasia. (which unfortunately is usually harder to clear at my age; another injustice of being an older woman!). I am following up later this month and dread receiving the follow up phone call.

Further complicating the emotional load, I found out about my WH’s affair from the OB-GYN's call about the abnormal Pap smear and HPV16 positive test. (He was my only; we were married for 34 years at the time of the A. This may not be others’ case.) Even though my mind understands the risk of developing these cancers is low, there are times I am angry and scared I have this risk at all. I also worry that WH could also be stricken with one of these dreadful cancers, and I cannot honestly predict how I would react. I would like to think of myself as being able to be empathic, but I think I might focus on my own losses and even question R were that to happen. Not pretty, I know.

I continue to work through everything and hope to get to mercy, as I feel nothing less would feel like complete R. Reading books such as Desmond Tutu’s The Book of Forgiving help.

My question/plea: If you are a BS who has reconciled with their WS whose actions caused you to become infected with a life altering or potentially life-altering STD or similar life changing event (other child, perhaps), how did you come to terms with that? What helped you move on? Were you able to extend forgiveness and/or mercy and if so, what enabled you to get there?

I am not looking to see the world through rose-colored glasses, but right now, on this bittersweet first day of autumn, positive stories would be most helpful to me.

At the time of the A:

Me: BS 56

WH 58

OW 26(!)

Married 35 years, my only

Two DSs, who know, ages 25 and 28

DD1 Oct 18, 2016 - Told me he had gone to a massage parlor

DD2 Nov 19, 2016 Real story confessed, an 8 month EA + PA Dec '15-July '16

In R - Both working 200%: MC + IC for WH, who is remorseful and doing everything possible. There are fewer WTF? moments.

Hi, resilient. I don't have a great deal to offer except my outrage for what your fWH's selfishness has done to you. There are others here who did contract an STI from their WS following the A. You will likely hear from one or more of them soon. I think forgiveness for this is like forgiveness for any of it --- hard, but possible, based on your internal resources and how you process all of this.

Sending you strength on this gorgeous first day of Autumn!

I didn't contract anything, but I was terrified once I found out he'd been with EIGHT drug-addicted prostitutes, two of which another prostitute suspected were HIV+. They may well be HIV+. We're clear, but I had a really really bad weekend where I worried that I might die as a result of his choices. He wept right along with me, though I was so furious with him that I couldn't feel for his tears. I was seriously scared and so was he.

I don't know that I could have forgiven that, honestly. HPV is scary enough and I did contract that from an ex-boyfriend who also cheated on me. I had already dumped him at that time, but I can imagine that any STD seriously complicates forgiveness. It's an extra insult and injury all at once.

HPV is tough. But the chances it will transform are slim, and even if, it will most likely be caught in a very very early stage. In most cases it is only a potential cancer spot. Do not fret, just keep getting checked.

Just a shame that you HAVE to keep getting checked ... cause before, you would not have. I am so sorry.

Even though I tested negative the first time, I still get full STD screening annually. Better safe than sorry. And I resent like hell having to do it.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 4:15 PM, September 22nd (Friday)]

similar life changing event (other child, perhaps), how did you come to terms with that?

I started with the truth that it is my choice how I see and shape my life

I get what I need in this world to understand

who am I?

why am I here?

where am I going?

It took awhile to see that the death of the marriage I thought I had was a gift and a good thing

I wasn't really seeing my husband, I was interpreting what I saw through my own perspective and that is not the same thing as being present in reality and a co-creative with it to experience true joy and peace

When my MIL got contacted by OW wondering if Katumus had ever been tested for autism, it was like a huge gong going off in my head because I swear I hadn't ever thought before to connect to the possibility that our dynamic where we sometimes went off-track in conversation defining words and other such misunderstandings were from a NT-AS disconnect

This lightbulb moment allowed me to hear Katumus "I'm wired this way" comment not from how I was interpreting his behavior as selfish but as his honest expression of his experience. His subsequent testing and dx allowed me to be able to more fully appreciate my husband as he is, and really appreciate his efforts at face value because it would be easier for him to run away. It completely dissipated my frustration and anger ... it was like I realized I had been asking a blind person to read to me without using braille

So in connecting to the necessity of this OW/OC path that provided me important puzzle pieces I was able to offer up my utmost thanks to the Universe that provided me the gift of a little soul who would walk this earth bearing the stigma of OC and twice-blessed = all for me to be able to appreciate my life and my family all the more

rebuilding trust is another story...

but letting go of the anger at the first-rush feeling all of the unfairness of it all = why me? why now? just, why? all those needed temper-tantrum conversations I had in my closet with God/me to get re-connected to be able to truly see and be thankful to have truth in my life

that BIG PICTURE reality when it hit home that I was loved unconditionally and I was going to be OK regardless of the small-life plans I had made from my own limited efforts was the smack I needed to stop banging my head on the wall and open the door to see with single-eye

change is at first painful, but I wasn't embracing my choice to change from a suffering view when I realized it was like training for a marathon. Having feelings like sore emotional/spiritual "muscles" after some interactions was now like - cool, I am getting stronger and better at expressing myself honestly, calmly and without fear.

To offer up forgiveness for what happened to me allowed me to get off the roller-coaster

overall where I am at now is better in self-awareness so that I can honestly say I am ok that what happened has helped me grow

that is NOT the same thing as wanting anybody to follow my path but the point is to say

hell is a choice to stay stuck in the dark we create... we have the key to unlock our minds to let the light shine in and transform how we see

that is the power of forgiveness and accepting grace

If you are a BS who has reconciled with their WS whose actions caused you to become infected with a life altering or potentially life-altering STD

That would be me. Like you, my wife infected me with HPV. The symptoms of my infection still serve as a daily reminder of what she did over a decade ago. I won't kid you...As you know, it sucks and it hurts a lot. When you're a faithful spouse, it's just one of those things you just never think about. My wife even knew the OM was a player and it still didn't stop her.

Were you able to extend forgiveness and/or mercy and if so, what enabled you to get there?

Yes, I have completely forgiven my wife for everything. How? I wish I had something profound to tell you that would make it better, but I don't. When you're faced with a challenge you can't change, then you are forced to change yourself. Basically, I learned to accept it, forgive, and move on. What's the alternative? Should I stay angry? Should I divorce her? What difference does it make, nothing is going to make this disease go away. If I continue to remain angry or bitter about it, who am I hurting?

Perhaps it might help to try answering the following questions:

If you don't forgive, what are your options and how will that impact R?

If you do forgive, what are your options and how will that impact R?

WH is doing everything to show his love and remorse.

That's awesome! Keep in mind, your WH now has to live with the knowledge he infected you. If he is like my wife, the guilt of what he did to you will be with him forever. That's the burden and punishment he bears for the rest of his life for his selfish actions. Even if you forgive him and have a successful R, it will still haunt him. Think about how much guilt you would have if you gave someone a disease as a result of careless actions. Try to find your mercy and compassion in that thought.

I am learning to be a better person, as well, in all my interactions.

You know the saying, if life hands you lemons, make lemonade. I must say, just the fact that you're here trying to R and doing some soul searching on the STD tells me that you are not only learning to be a better person, you already are a good person. Don't underestimate how much compassion, patience and loving-kindness it takes to stay with someone after they have betrayed you this badly. You're learning to be a better person, because good people consistently strive to be even better.

Sending best wishes to you for a successful R.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:41 PM, September 22nd (Friday)]

I too have contacted the same from WH.

Fortunately it seems to have been 'caught' early and I have had a LLETZ procedure. My last biopsy was clear.

I think outwardly I deal with it ok but I am still gutted by the diagnosis and it is a constant reminder of his selfishness and infidelity. I struggle and am on edge every time I need yet another check up. It just so invasive and unfair that it is yet another consequence I have face.

That said, if the rest of WH lived up to his promises to change and be a better more honest man it would go a long way. Unfortunately he is still full of bullsh*t, promising and not delivering. Breaking boundaries etc - this has been far more detrimental to our R than anything else including my HPV.

(((HBR)))

Hurt, I will speak the dreaded 4 letter word...TIME.

My WS gave me multiple STDs, one of which was HPV and resulted in pre-cancer. Another left me unable to conceive children on my own. I also found out about his infidelity by discovering the STDs.

Time is what leads to acceptance or coming to terms with. Eventually, you stop trying to change the past. Your heart accepts it cannot be changed. But it takes time and cannot be rushed.

It helps to see him own and feel remorse for what he did. Counseling also helps to work through the unfairness, the fear, the profound sense of loss.

It also helps to exercise empathy. I try to look through my WS eyes. I know he was reckless, stupid, immature, and didn't think of the risk. But, I also know he did not mean to infect me. He was just mentally ill. Delusional. Living in a world where random hookups could possibly be clean because they seemed so "nice." Living in a world where his semi-LTA, who was cheating on her child's father, was clean because she was, well, you know, cooking and stuff for her kid and "a good mom" even when she dumped her kid at any given moment when he called, so she could go screw my WS. In a way, it was the utter recklessness, depravity, and insanity of what he did that helps. No sane person would have done what he did to me or HIMSELF. EVERY RISK HE TOOK WITH ME HE TOOK FOR HIMSELF FIRST. No sane person could have believed the things he believed about these "nice" girls. And my husband is not evil or NPD.

But, at the end of the day, it is just something that takes time.

Thank all of you for your responses. To psychmom, DevastatedDee, LyraM, amitheow, and northeasternarea, your voices are very helpful.

Merida, you are so right

hell is a choice, to stay stuck in the dark we create. We have the key to unlock our minds to let the light shine in and transform how we see

. Yes, that is the power of forgiveness and accepting grace. And I feel I will get there, with time.

HardenMyHeart: Thank you for these affirming words and your heartfelt wishes:

you are not only learning to be a better person, you already are a good person. Don’t underestimate how much compassion, patience and loving-kindness it takes to stay with someone after they have betrayed you this badly.

I have always tried to be a good person, and to strive to be even better. fWH got stuck, and would not evolve. That was extremely frustrating for me, as I firmly believe we must continue to work to become better people every day. It is paradoxical because we need to accept we can’t change others. It is clear fWS deeply regrets the time he wandered in the wilderness, and is working hard to regain my trust and be that intimate partner with whom to explore the important questions about life, about love, to deepen spiritually together.

You are absolutely right; in many ways, his burden is much worse because he is haunted by this. I know that will be the key to extending mercy and compassion; in fact, I already do. But more TIME needs to pass for me to get to where I would like to be.

Avicarswife: I am so sorry. I can’t even imagine your sense of betrayal and unsafety, especially given your WH’s status as a religious leader.

Hardroadout: Your words give me so much hope. I can’t even imagine how I would react if I knew my WH’s actions caused me to not be able to have children; I can barely imagine my life without them. Already I feel that time is the key, time and consistent, genuine demonstrations of real love by fWH. I must say that my WH did not “lose his mind”. Rather, his affair was borne out of entitlement, a “solution” to feeling crummy about himself. Later, his “I deserve this”, cake-eating mindset served to justify it escalating, to trips and other adventures, something that was “only his”. This premeditated aspect of the affair is very difficult for me and that is why I expect nothing less than a a genuine metanoia, because I would never marry the person who had that A. Fortunately, fWH is showing his remorse each day, and how he is overcoming his selfishness and immaturity, and immorality. Yes, immorality because betrayal and the hurt they inflicted is immoral if two people pledge monogamy and to be there for the other, not checked out on trips with someone half their age. So, when I see my fWH cry when he thinks of how he hurt me, I realize how very, very lost he was. Each day we work toward repairing and wholeness.

Two additional key things are helping me develop empathy for fWH, without condoning his actions: knowing affairs are encouraged by our society (78% of sex scenes are either rape or infidelity; think about how that warps our views). Also, that males have traditionally been taught to handle their emotions in very dysfunctional ways. Terence Real’s book I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression has been for fWH like opening a hidden chest whose key was lost for decades and whose secrets are now in the open.

I hope all of us who have lived this pain here in SI can help change those dysfunctional aspects of our societies so there are fewer casualties. There’s a lot of work to do, but it starts with our own healing. So, once again, thank you for the awesome support.