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Backstory: My wife had an affair two years ago during a low point in our marriage. Things started improving between us so she ended the affair and sought counseling on her own prior to confessing. Had I found out while it was going on, our marriage would have been over, however, since things were dramatically improved, I decided to give her a second chance and we have been doing really well ever since.

About a month ago, she had a routine physical and was tested for HPV. She was really nervous regarding that test and accidentally let some details of the affair slip (this was before the results came back negative). She was wondering if you could get HPV from semen. I immediately questioned this as she said they always used condoms. She neglected to tell me after confessing that she swallowed after performing oral on him (likely because she has never done this for me and knew I would be hurt by it). Obviously I was upset and told her my reasons for being upset. Her response was that she didn't think it was that big of a deal and that she only did it because it was easier performing oral sex on the OM because he was 'smaller' (her words). I told her that she was avoiding the question and she then said he tasted better. She apologized that I'm having to rehash these emotions again, but I still could tell that she didn't understand why I would be upset. Rather than pushing the issue to get an acceptable answer, I backed down (like I unfortunately do when I cannot collect my thoughts) and haven't approached the topic since.

What really sucks is that it feels like I'm finding out about the affair all over again. I haven't been sleeping well, my work performance has been slipping and I can't stop thinking about why she would do that. I can't help but feel like she had a connection with the OM that we have never shared, especially considering that she was repulsed whenever the mention of swallowing was brought up in our relationship. For the record, I've never been bothered by the fact that she didn't want to swallow, it's more the fact that she did want to with him. I am really confused right now because of all the things I've forgiven her for, I'm not sure I can overlook this.

Well this really does set you back to the near beginning with this new revelation -- this is what we refer to as trickle truth around here. And the longer these truths are dragged out, the more difficult it can be to move on. Sometimes the lack of full transparency and the full truth early on can sink any chances of R. By her selfish desire to withhold this important truth from you about her affair, she has essentially set you back two years in your R.

You have every reason to be upset by this bh2016. Have you asked for a detailed timeline from your W that spells out EVERYTHING? Even these fucked up details about their sex, especially if now it leads her to wonder if his toxic semen may have infected her with an STI. Ugh. I'd be mad at my fWH all over again and it would cause me to further question EVERYTHING he'd told me to this point. For me, it took over a year for him to realize that he had to tell me ALL. He thought he could hold back details to "spare me", but it's really to spare them the consequences of their actions. It's time for your wife to give you the full story, blow by blow if she wants any chance for you to R with her. I'm so sorry this has happened to you this far out in your R.

Looks like she was never truthful to you from the beginning so ask her all the information you want to know or have her write it down. Sexual equality is part of showing you how sorry she really is, if she did things with her OM and refuses to do it with you then she is not really remorseful, why stay in a marriage that is unfulfilling for you. I mean she first reveals something you're interested in then insults you to boot. All the time cheaters do things with their OW/OM that they refused to do with their spouse or told their spouse they did not like doing. Was the OM married do you know who he is? She might still be protecting him. Back to the topic she should not be forced or guilt tripped into doing these acts, she should want to do it with you if she really loves you. Some might say I'm beign harsh but no she did things with him that she still refuses to do with you, you know the guy that provides her life style, helps with the house hold, helps when she has an emergency, some random person got the best of her while you get what 70%, how do people have so little value in themselves that they refuse to accept 100% hell she probably did more things with him than with you since you found out many moons ago. You mention she had IC well good but did you? You should probably try some MC.

You are absolutely correct in that I am questioning the truth behind anything she told me about the affair. Shortly after d-day, I decided that I didn't want all the details. I have been fine not knowing them, however, I didn't ever expect that she was going to willingly swallow for him. She was always so appalled at the thought of it.

***As a member***

I decided that I didn't want all the details. I have been fine not knowing them

I always recommend getting them. When the details start to slip out(and they will), it is just like another D-day. One tool to help get them is

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

Have you changed your mind?

I didn't ever expect that she was going to willingly swallow for him.

Nor did you suspect she would have an affair.

Strength

ETA, something bothered me.

Things started improving between us so she ended the affair

Are you sure of this? That is a rare event. Have you talked to/communicated with the OBS?(other betrayed spouse)

[This message edited by 5454real at 1:56 PM, September 19th (Tuesday)]

You are living the exact same thing that I went through. The only difference is that I got the facts early cause I pushed

Some of the things she did with him (facials) I just had no interest in. Other things like anal sex we just didn't do because she just didn't enjoy it. For him? Way different story More anal sex in three weeks than our whole 25 year marriage.

The one thing that doesn't pass the smell test is her nervousness over the HPV. It can happen orally, but the likelihood is that a man is far more likely to be infected that way. How confident are you about the condoms? Do you think her nervousness could be from that she lied about using them? Have you asked for a polygraph test at least to judge her reaction?

The whole he is smaller so easier logic also doesn't sit right. What does that have to do with anything about swallowing?

It does stink when they discourage a sexual act with you, but go all in with gusto for the AP

Zoom: the other guy is married, I know him and he and my wife used to work together. He quit shortly after I found out about them.

As far as IC, I had just started with one the week before d-day and continued for the next couple months. It was helpful and I t got me through the worst part of the A.

Frankly, I don't even want her to perform that act for me because I know it'll be out of pity. I know the reason she did that for the OM (even though she hasn't admitted it) and that was because she wanted him to be happy and she was turned on. That's what makes this so incredibly difficult to process. I'm feeling she has never been as turned on by me as she was by him and that's a tough pill to swallow (no pun intended).

bh2016- Glad to hear(read) about IC and that it has helped, you got to take care of you. Also happy to see your sense of puns remains intact but in all seriousness you should not be forced to swallow anything, if she can't make you feel like number one only you can really decide what to do with said marriage. Remember she is no prize you are, this is not me saying something to be nice is factual all LTR and marriages go through hard times she chose to deal with it by murdering your marriage. Check out the healing library they have a ton of good info there.

Just to put it out there HPV can be contracted by skin to skin contact. Condoms are not 100% effective in preventing that particular STI.

I completely understand why you would be upset by this news. I don't love getting my back popped but if the subject had come up and my H acted like it was gross and then I found out he popped the OW's back all the time I would be crushed and livid - and that example isn't even sexual. Your feelings are more than normal. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

I agree with WWTL. I think you have to go back to square one (hell, your set back to that point anyway) and go through the process again to make sure you know what you are reconciling yourself to. This time you are going to have to ask questions. Look, you didn't want details before...and guess what...the details matter to you. And they should.

A expect a bit of rug sweeping went on. Ending the A because things "got better" doesn't ring true. Counseling and confessing are good indicators of remorse. But you didn't have all the details about the A. So maybe you knew about the oral, or didn't ask. And now she goes from he was smaller, to he tasted better. She still in the wayward mindset of TT and minimizing:

she didn't think it was that big of a deal

Not a good sign of a remorseful spouse.

Swallowing with a smaller penis does make A difference. It's so much more difficult to swallow with a large penis.

There is my contribution.

Glasses: If that is indeed the case, what would be the driving factor to go ahead and swallow? Every girl I've ever been with I've told them when I was about to cum. They either made he conscious choice to finish me off with their hand (like my wife) or rarely just keep going. In the 14 years I've been with my wife, her hand was always the method of choice. In the 6 months during the affair, her mouth was the choice for the OM. I would really like to hear your thoughts as to why that would be? If that was always her method of finishing off oral, I would of expected her to do the same with the OM and this would be a non issue at this point in time.

[This message edited by bh2016 at 7:23 PM, September 18th (Monday)]

bh, it's all about the fantasy they've created in their head. They feel powerful and invincible, and oh-so-damn-sexy. That's why they are willing to engage in behaviors that they may not under "ordinary" circumstances. It's all fantasyland where they are the leading star in the show. The mind is a very powerful aphrodisiac.

[This message edited by psychmom at 8:22 PM, September 18th (Monday)]

Bh2016 - fairly certain "Glasses" is being sarcastic w the comment.

It makes no difference.

Hiya bh2016--

After my Ddays, I found myself doing things I had only thought about (both sexual and non-sexual). It had very little to do with my WH, but a whole hell of a lot about how I thought about myself. Often it was to see if I could be bold or push my boundaries/comfort zone. But yes, I did a new sexual thing to shock/impress the hell out of WH (and it worked). Mostly, though, I was 'proving' something to myself...

Also, her comment about his semen tasting better-- this could be very possible. I can tell what things my husband is doing in his diet just by the taste. And there have been times that its been not so great, so I wouldn't swallow (I keep tissues around for this purpose, just in case and will just finish off with my hand for a day or two).

I agree with the others, though, that if you have decided you *do* need these details (I did) so that you don't get broadsided again, you should be provided them with no hesitation by your wife.

bh, it's all about the fantasy they've created in their head. They feel powerful and invincible, and oh-so-damn-sexy. That's why they are willing to engage in behaviors that they may not under "ordinary" circumstances. It's all fantasyland where they are the leading star in the show. The mind is a very powerful aphrodisiac.

^^^And this...its what is happening in our hysterical bonding.

[This message edited by mojodiva at 8:58 PM, September 18th (Monday)]

Her response was that she didn't think it was that big of a deal>>

As a woman, this gave me pause. IM sorry but I find hard to believe she didn't know what a big deal this would be. She knows. You should be hurt. I wouldn't leave this alone, your wife needs to address this. I'm sorry your hurting.

I'm sorry that she's minimizing the importance of this. Don't know your whole story. Does it seem possible that you haven't fully worked through things?

Also, to point out the obvious, condoms can be used for both birth control and as a barrier method for safer sex.

If swallowing was an issue then safer sex was not an issue for her with the OM. If she was on the pill then it seems unlikely condoms were used for vaginal sex either.

It seems like it's time to get the whole truth. People use polygraphs

the 6 months during the affair, her mouth was the choice for the OM. I would really like to hear your thoughts as to why that would be? If that was always h

From my view point, I can tell what my WH wants me to do by his actions. He puts his hand on my back, and that means he wants me to stay there. If he moves his hand away, then he is either done with foreplay or he doesn't want me to swallow. If he wants me to swallow, he puts his hand on the back of my head, not hard, just like stroking my hair. Also, I think a larger member is easier because you can push it past the taste buds.

I think they probably had a conversation about it, so she did it to make him happy. Then she realized it's not a big deal. I used to be just like your WW. Never ever swallowed. But we talked about it once and I decided to try it. I think she should try it with you now. I've heard if a guy eats asparagus it makes him taste funky. Just FYI

You are in a false R. Your ww is giving you TT (and she might be giving you an std). Is she swallowed, there is no way in hell she used condoms during sex with her boyfriend. I am sorry your are going through this, but at least you are getting some truth about the A. Many of us don't get that.

I am really confused right now because of all the things I've forgiven her for, I'm not sure I can overlook this.

You can't forgive what you don't know. It's also hard to forgive when your partner omits things she know will be a big deal but lies that she didn't think it will be because you both know it's not true.

The trouble is this becomes a vicious circle, she now knows you are hurt and will likely not divulge any more info. You now know how deeply intimate their relationship was and that drives a further nail of doubt and hurt into the coffin.

In their fantasy world they get to be someone they either aren't or want to be. It's incredibly powerful to do things outside your comfort zone, hence why she swallowed. No doubt OM also did some things he's probably never done with his wife.

That's why affairs suck and reclaiming the wreckage is just so tough.