SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

how did i end up here?? who am i?? the things i've done are not who i am, deep inside. i have lost what is precious to me. i cannot stop crying. i want to die. i betrayed my husband and he left me, moved far away and divorced me. he is still texting me, hurting me, in pain, thoughts of what i did in his mind. i just want to turn back time and be the wife he needed. i'll never be whole or loved again....

i cant' stop crying...

Welcome, PenitentWoman. We all have our demons we are working through.

The people here give excellent advice and provide support for people on all sides of this issue. It isn't always comfortable feedback, but it's valuable. I'm sure they will be able to help you, too, if you are open.

What is your story? Considering that turning back time isn't possible (much as we wish it was), what is it you want from your situation?

I'm still asking myself your same questions, and while my husband hasn't divorced me (yet), he might. I've decided to use this as an opportunity to make myself a better, stronger person - no matter if he stays or goes. A person deserving of the love and trust I had and threw away. A person who knows herself and her weaknesses well enough to ensure she will never put herself in a situation to stray again.

You need to be strong now more than ever. Consider what the path of your life is going to be, from here on out. None of the options will be easy, but you can make sure this tragedy isn't for nothing.

Counseling will help. Reading and posting here will help. Journaling will help.

I'm sorry you're here - welcome.

thank you, CSCE...I can't believe i'm here either and i'm sorry more than anything else i feel....

we were married almost 7 years, we are in our 50's. we had problems from the start. good times and difficult times. we suffered from lack of communication, stubbornness, selfishness, many things we dragged along from our past. so many fights, times we went to bed with our backs to each other. i never felt so alone.

co worker and i became friends. he made me laugh. he was easy to be near. over a few months we grew closer. i knew i was going down a terrible path but i couldn't stop myself. i longed desperately to feel loved. we finally took it across the line. he promised to leave his wife, be with me. he was everything i ever wanted. we were completely honest at all times, with everything. i left my husband. He begged and begged me to stay, but i was cold. we sold our house, furniture, our new trailer, cars...gone. new guy and i picked out an apartment. i bought new furniture. new guy moved in when i was out of town for work after a fight with his wife. we spent 4 wonderful days living together. then he took me for a walk and told me he was going back to his wife, not because he loved her, but because they had "history". (married 5 years, he turns 60 tomorrow). i was devastated. he came back again after about a week then left again to go back to her. my husband went thru with the divorce and moved across the country. now i am completely and utterly alone. in a big city. i've only lived here less than 2 years. I have a counselor but wish i could go every day.

i tried to make it work with my husband. i begged, pleaded. told him yesterday that i wanted to make it work. but he never knew all of the details until new guy's wife called him and gave him dates, times, phone records, texts, etc. my husband called me and i confessed it all. i answered all of his questions honestly. he is devastated that i slept with another man. he is continuing to talk with new guy's wife. new guy is telling her that it was just flirting. i am the one taking the fall alone. my husband keeps texting me, telling me about the images in his mind, asking how i could give myself to another man, how i was the love of his life, how i was beautiful, etc. he never told me any of the nice stuff when we were married. we never had sex, maybe once every few months. and then only for about 10 minutes. it left me feeling empty. i would cry afterwards. so i was left vulnerable. i am not making excuses. just trying to say how i felt.

more texts coming in...i am so disgusted with myself....

Your story reminds me of my own in some ways -

I, too, fell for a coworker who told me nice things and was easy to be with. I, too, was exposed by the wife of my affair partner (AP). I, too, confessed while he lied and said there was nothing going on. And I, too, had a lackluster sex life at home (due to poor communication on my part, mostly).

It will be ok. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will.

I have an important question for you - think hard about it before answering:

Do you want your husband back, do you want your affair partner back, or do you simply not want to be alone?

As I mentioned, no matter what it's going to be hard. You very well might not have a choice. But I think you need to spend some time examining if the pain you feel is abandonment, self-pity, or sorrow and regret. It's likely too soon for true remorse.

The answer will help guide you down the appropriate path to eventual strength and healing.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:31 AM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

It sounds like you were pretty miserable married to him. He was a lousy lover, a lousy friend, and he fought all the time. You pretty much say you were done with him when you started the affair. Why are you so eager to get back with him now? Is it just because you feel like trash for destroying him? Is it because you need some man and since the new man went back to his wife, your husband is next on the list?

No one deserves to be a fall back plan - especially not the person you betrayed. Reading your story, I really don't have the sense that you want your husband, just that you can't have who you want and he's better than nothing.

Even if you are able to reconcile with him, you are in for a very long and very hard journey. It is a journey only worth taking if you sincerely love him, and that is only if he gives you the chance to make amends. To me, it doesn't sound like you guys are really candidates for R.

That said, if you really truly want this, give him his space. Give him the truth. Be penitent throughout. Be humble. Be patient through his rage and let him know how much you love him every chance you get. You have basically shown him in the most convincing way possible that you do not love him and that he means nothing to you. You now need to show him it is somehow not true. It isn't about you being a perfect wife - it is about showing him that you love him and are devoted to him and you are not going anywhere ever again. It is about taking steps to heal yourself and allowing him to see what you are doing to make yourself safe again for him.

Good luck. We are rooting for you here. Sometimes the best thing isn't saving the marriage, sometimes it is learning and becoming a better person and making yourself someone you like to be around. Also keep in mind that these things take time - like LOTS of time. You need to be patient and consistent throughout.

Have you really changed your mind about the AP? If AP wanted you back would you choose him or your husband? Even if you don't want AP anymore, why do you want your husband back? I had an affair with a co-worker, and while I did not leave my wife for her I thought about it and even discussed it with my AP. I ultimately decided that I couldn't leave my wife. A short time later I confessed the affair to my wife after she confronted me and asked if I was cheating on her. Even in the last few months of my affair I started to realize that my AP was not the person I thought she was and now the thought of

being with her or even having contact with her repulses me. Have you had a similar experience in reflecting on your affair? After the affair was done and confessed I had to reflect on whether I was still in love with my wife, whether I wanted to remain with her, and then finally why I would hurt her so horribly again (which is a question I am still struggling to answer). I would suggest you reflect on whether your marriage is really what you want or if you are more worried about being alone.

WS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:32 AM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

It kinda sounds like you don't want to be alone - your H was not the most attentive to you during the marriage and now - he's organized his life so that he could t really be any further from you. You said he's calling you all the time w questions that don't sound the kindest and while that is mostly hurt speaking - it doesn't cultivate a healthy relationship/marriage.

Your AP could easily be a slime ball - five years at sixty isn't really all that much history is it? I maybe missing significant pieces but if he led you on to the point of building a home together and now you're alone in a big city he may be thinking g you'd be a great side piece.

Do you want either of those options for yourself?

I wouldn't.

I'd very gently suggest you take this time to go NC w both and spend more time with yourself. What interests you - what have you always wanted to do? Make some new friends - visit old friends - travel. You don't have to be with either man who doesn't make you feel special.

Stay here posting - this is a good group.

Heal yourself.

You cannot control what your BH thinks about you or says to you.

No more blame shifting because as any WW will tell you we could have made other choices than cheating. But we did not and we have to face and deal with what that selfish decision has done.

Time to set boundries, rules of conduct, be truthful, open, and honest with yourself and others.

Said gently You made your decision and have damaged your BH who now must heal and decide what he wants. He needs time to heal and You must take this time heal and become a better person.

If at some point you and your BH want to R you will need to be 100% real and allow access to all devices, emails and social media accounts.

None of this will be easy but is neccessary for you to heal and for you to move on.

Heal and be a better person after that

What will be will be

very good advice from you all. you have read between the lines very well. in conversations with my best friend of 30 years, one who saw our relationship from the beginning and heard all of my misgivings, she doesn't think he's good for me at all. he is very selfish, never listened to me, never put me first, only himself. he has so so many issues from his childhood that i guess i thought i could fix/help. but his depression and lack of self-worth is something i can't now nor couldn't then, overcome. i miss our fun times, yes, there were a few. but you all are right. i just don't like being 57 and alone. i have always just wanted someone to love me and cherish me. i have so much to give someone but i give it to the wrong persons. i think with my heart, not my head. and i'm doing it now. i will continue to answer my BH's questions, to help him heal and move on. i will continue to pray for him and his healing. but i need to let go of my need to R. I need to find myself, be ok being alone. i need to find hobbies, volunteer work, groups to join, etc. sitting in my apartment, chosen with the other guy (sorry, i can't remember all of the acronyms, AP, I guess), i am dying. the silence is suffocating.

[This message edited by penitentwoman at 5:44 PM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

My heart goes out to you but even more to your poor husband. If he was already suffering from depression, your betrayal must be even more devastating. I know my betrayal shattered my wife and she was strong and whole before it. The same is true of so many others that you read on JFO. Their stories truly break my heart.

Still, I think your decision to allow him to move on and you doing the same is probably the wise thing to do. I would strongly suggest finding a therapist, though. If you do find love again, you need to understand what it is about your character that allowed you to permit yourself to go off with another man while still married. We inherently trust people who have committed to us and who we have promised loyalty to. For you to be safe for someone else when things get rough, you need to recognize your character flaws that allowed you to do this so it doesn't happen again.

Don't lose hope. Being comfortable with yourself and being alone will make you a better and more stable partner in the future.

I wonder if OP is still here - 57 is quite young in many circles and it sounds like you're doing ok otherwise - already thru the divorce, if there are kids they are likely launched, living on your own, in a big city - you should pour some of that love you have to give and want so badly back in to yourself.

I have found enormous satisfaction in working some w a homeless program, a college student mentoring program and various ways of giving back like that. There would likely be a101 organizations you could volunteer with in a big city ranging from helping animals, home-building, museums, children's programs, art, music - I could go on and on.

Love yourself for a time - you have been through a lot.

The lifelong label of adulteress is a big one. It is part of our story but need not be the focal esp if you can turn it around and in to something good.

Hoping for the best for you today.

"co worker and i became friends. he made me laugh. he was easy to be near. over a few months we grew closer. i knew i was going down a terrible path but i couldn't stop myself."

penitentwoman, I'm not sure I did the quote right, but wanted to tell you that I said the same thing to myself...that I couldn't stop myself. You need to examine your thinking there. It means that you've given up responsibility for your behavior.

How will you make sure that you begin to accept responsibility for your actions? Are you getting help from a councilor?

Dear Friend,

I am sorry for the burden you are carrying. I offer you this prayer:

God grant me

the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

the wisdom to know the difference,

to live one day at a time,

to enjoy one moment at a time,

to accept hardship as the pathway to peace,

to take as You did this sinful world as it is,

not as I want to have it,

to trust that You will make all things right

if I surrender to your will,

that I will be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy forever with You in the next.

Be safe and be free. Thank you.

It sounds like you never really had a good relationship with your husband....

and your boyfriend broke up with you...

so I have a couple of questions...

What are you trying to save and why are you trying to save it?

If your boyfriend had not broken up with you would you even be considering staying in the marriage?

One of the hardest things for a wayward to be is honest...with...oneself.

and in order for you to heal from your brokenness...you have to be honest with who you have become.

The answers to yourself will be very hard...because you will hate the things you have done.

Demons are ugly truths...but we can become better...

the first step is honesty.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:29 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

i can't shake the depression...i just cry all the time. Dr won't give me any meds until she gets finished running bloodwork, which has taken almost 2 months now. If she doesn't give me any on Friday (3 days from now), I need to find another dr.

It's the all consuming shame, guilt, hatred of myself

I'm such a terrible person

I miss his family excrutiatingly much

I miss our home, our future

I miss having a friend

I'm such a mess

i know no one is reading this...but i have to get these feelings out someone, even out into nowhere...

i finally have meds from my dr but i'm barely breathing. i am in complete isolation. there is no air here. my life has no purpose. there's nothing to look forward to, no reason to get up in the morning except to keep the paychecks coming. i can't work. i just sit there. the demons in my head just laugh and laugh at me. i am in IC but only see him every other week. he tells me what to do that will help, but i just can't. i don't think i'm worth helping. i don't even want to help myself. i gave everything i had to my marriage until last fall and then i was absolutely empty. i had nothing left. i was stumbling in the dark. i'm still there. the light of the AP blinded me and i ran toward it like my life depended on it. then the light went out and i fell. i'm still falling. there's no one to catch me anymore. i wonder where the bottom is, what hell is waiting for me there. it can't be any worse. i have no friends. i live in a huge city and don't know anyone. no one cares that i'm laying in the middle of the highway, letting cars run over me all day. i have no reason to get out of the road. i am just going to lay here.