SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out about my wife's 3.5 year affair in December 2016 and more and more details slowly leaked out over the next two or three months. Each new piece of information like a new DDay.

I've had a blissful few weeks where the unrelenting obsessing over the affair abated. I was able to breath and focus on my kids and work for once.

But over the past few days I've slid back into obsession. Which for me means lots of reading about affairs and infidelity and coping.

I keep reading that people that cheat aren't bad people they just made bad decisions... and that really makes me want to scream.

An affair is emotional murder. It's relationship murder. Are murder's not bad people -- just people who have made bad choices? No.

And neither are wayward spouses. They might be redeemable. But they are broken. And they are certainly not good people.

If I could go back and undo meeting my wife I would do that. I hate her.

I'm with you. Cheaters are bad people. I get the feeling that the books and writings about affairs are written by cheaters who want to make themselves feel better about the destruction that they cause. I too, if given the opportunity to do it again, would have never given my ex the time of day. Life will get better. Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 2:37 PM, May 23rd (Tuesday)]

There is a reason why in many parts of the world, and for many thousands of years adultery is oft considered a capitol offense. It's akin to murdering your spouse.

So I understand your angst. I really do.

I would work on your rage a bit thru counseling if it's this severe. please don't do anything you will regret.

There's more I'd like to say after reading your story, but board rules restrain me.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 2:37 PM, May 23rd (Tuesday)]

Ugh. I rarely post in JFO. I relate to how you feel about cheating. I'll throw my opinion in here.

I'm guessing you're 30yo or so. I was about that age too when my wife cheated (6mo PA). I was shellshocked and didn't want to lose everything I had worked for. The thought of not seeing my kids everyday was terrifying. I didn't want a cheating whore, along with the stray men she would bring home, to raise them either. So I stayed.

In hindsight, I greatly regret doing staying and not divorcing. I knew in my bones I would never be able to accept this or forgive her. I should have left immediately. Staying compromised my whole fucking belief system. I felt weak and I lost some self respect for not throwing her out. My wife disgusted me and I hated her. I became bitter and enraged. I had a horrible time dealing with the anger. It complicated other relationships outside of my marriage too. I could barely keep my seething rage under control. I'm lucky I'm not in jail.

So I would caution you about attempting R if you know this is something you will never be able to accept. If you truly hate your wife (and I understand, believe me), can't see how you can forgive her, then get a fucking divorce as soon as you can. Don't linger with wondering how or why this happened or do the stupid wait 6 months thing. If you know it's a dealbreaker, you know.

I guess I'm trying to say, if I had a "do over", I would have begged, borrowed or stolen money to hire the biggest asshole pitbull motherfucker of a lawyer I could find and tried with all of my might to get primary custody of the kids in the divorce. I would have moved on with my life and been out of this mess much faster. That's the thing about R, this never really goes away. It fades, the roller coaster you're on loses momentum, mind movies dim, but that shit never really goes away. Even many years later. I wish someone would have told me that years ago.

Good luck aslan18

Staying compromised my whole fucking belief system. I felt weak and I lost some self respect...

Food for thought. Happened to me as well.

It's awful, isn't it? I'm on the downward too. Was doing good there for awhile and now? Every move he makes I think he's up to something. I feel as if my heart is going to burst out of my chest I'm so angry, and it pounds even harder.

Good thing we all have each other .

Asking all the sages on this website. Would you all recommend that you R, while living separately? I'm not in R, but if it came down to it, that might help one to realize at that time if thats what you really want. Wanting to stay for the kids is a noble cause, but you are all correct, that it can and will eat away at you.

If you were able to R, while living apart, or at least right at the beginning after your WW/WH commits to change, you will give yourself time to gather you thoughts and feelings so that you can make the right decision without them there in your face all the time. It also shows them that you are serious about not just handing out the R so easily.

Asking all the sages on this website. Would you all recommend that you R, while living separately? I'm not in R, but if it came down to it, that might help one to realize at that time if thats what you really want. Wanting to stay for the kids is a noble cause, but you are all correct, that it can and will eat away at you.

If you were able to R, while living apart, or at least right at the beginning after your WW/WH commits to change, you will give yourself time to gather you thoughts and feelings so that you can make the right decision without them there in your face all the time. It also shows them that you are serious about not just handing out the R so easily.

In general, my preference is to have a 90-day trial separation with minimal to no contact. Do the 180 and start feeling better about yourself. During that time think things out and decide what is best for you without any pressure from WS.

At the same time, your WS can go to IC and decide what they want as well from the marriage. It has been my experience that the best decisions are made this way.

I feel like I can relate to the whole

Staying compromising belief system thing.

I have always felt that TRUST is the foundation of a relationship. I am finding R very difficult for this reason.

It is supposed to be about rebuilding trust, but I feel like I'm a babysitter now, in a relationship requiring a contract to work.

Disgusting.

If you truely hate her, maybe it is best to let go.

Yeah brother I fully understand and agree with you, like you I also had my belief system shaken and undermined, I also became obsessed with the topic and finding information (actually a good quality to overcome problems and for self-help), and had my eyes opened to the reality that people cannot always be trusted, and initially I also lost myself and doubted myself. It goes much better now, and it will also go better with you in time. Stay true to yourself. And you know what?, let her live her life without you, better for you, and most of all , I also hate your WW! strength and a better to good life to you brother!

more and more details slowly leaked out over the next two or three months. Each new piece of information like a new DDay.

I could've written this whole post myself! It was similar for me though my WH A was only 3 months long but for the next 2 months that followed after DDay more info would be leaked and the sting would start all over again.

I've had a blissful few weeks where the unrelenting obsessing over the affair abated. I was able to breath and focus on my kids and work for once.

I remember this too. Somedays were really good and I was coping then there are periods of time when I do not cope so well! this week has proven to be a terrible week.

But over the past few days I've slid back into obsession. Which for me means lots of reading about affairs and infidelity and coping.

100% am with you here. I am back into that obsessing stage! I'm on her almost everyday, and at work right now as I respond. I am listening to a CD series on surviving affairs in the car to and from work and it just makes me more sad and anxious.

I keep reading that people that cheat aren't bad people they just made bad decisions... and that really makes me want to scream.

An affair is emotional murder. It's relationship murder. Are murder's not bad people -- just people who have made bad choices? No.

And neither are wayward spouses. They might be redeemable. But they are broken. And they are certainly not good people.

They are horrible people! And need to see an IC however if your WS is like mine they feel they don't need to do that or someshit! I'm not sure. I have noticed a big change in my H but still how can I/we ever be sure it wont happen again!

Are you hoping for R?

agreed. hence, I am not pro-R.

We root for R if that's what you want unless the situation is horrendous. Yours was.

So let me get you out of your funk right now.

What do you want to do ?

Are you going to try and forgive her again or are you willing to let this marriage go ?

Kids and how much can you lose here ?

Let's start thinking with your head rather than trying to reconcile with someone who doesn't deserve you

You hate her? Then it is time to get out. Life is too short.

Sorry you are going through this.

OP - we don't see many men who divorced their cheating wife come back and tell us about regret. Consider this as you choose your ultimate path.

It could be that all of this rage you are feeling right now is actually your sadness coming out. Lots of men are afraid of their strong emotions so they just deny them until they eventually boil over. Most guys are more "comfortable" with their anger than with their sadness. I hope you are seeing a counselor - if not you should consider it.

Her betrayal is likely going to haunt you for the rest of your life. The thing about staying married to her is that her very presence can trigger all of the horrible mind movies and memories of her cheating. If you divorce her then it's "out of sight; out of mind" and you will heal faster.

Emotional murder, I think that is a perfect description of how an affair makes you feel.

I understand and sympathize with how you are feeling.

If staying with your WW will force you to compromise your values and moral character then, in my opinion, it may be best to leave her.

I can tell you clearly that I have absolutely no regret divorcing my XWW - and she wanted to reconcile.

She has not changed one bit even after the divorce.

I think back and imagine if I had decided to go through some sort of reconciliation.

What a horrible joke that would have been.

I know that I would have been absolutely miserable and she would have just continued to blame me for her behavior.

Stick with your values, they will guide you well.

I am older (mid 60s) so I've seen some wonderful reconciliations which I love and respect.

But just staying married is NOT a successful R. I've also seen all too many individuals stay married to a cheating ahole. These individuals have literally thrown their lives away.

Yes they stay married. But they have given up their integrity and have raised children in an atmosphere that says "do what you want - screw your partner."

It is so sad to see people who have literally thrown their life away to stay married to a lying cheater.