SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I cam tell that he's sad/grieving AP. He knows that I can't help with that. I know that he is in pain about it though and it really hurts

Sorry to be dense, but I'm not sure I fully understand your post.

Sending you strength. I know what you are going through, and its one if the most painful things to watch. Don't be his shoulder to cry on. Focus on you. Find something to keep you distracted and let him deal with this consequence on his own.

He ended a LTA, sent no contact letter and is really trying to work on our marriage and help me heal. I know that he's grieving the AP though and it is painful for me. I'm just looking for others experience with this

My XWW wrote love letters to her AP and then tossed them in the back of the fireplace- where I found them. Each was a dagger in my heart. All I could really do was take it. I mean, taking it out on her wasn't going to do either of us any good. But what it did do for me was understand where her true priorities lay. It made it easier to leave when the time was right for me to do so.

All I can offer you is this- I understand all too well how this stings. Focus on you and making yourself better for you. He is lost and adrift and you have value as a person. Please find ways to ease the stress with kids, friends, family... anything. You will get through this- and be the better for it.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 9:36 AM, May 9th (Tuesday)]

There is a lot out there about this. Everyone has different opinions as to how it should be handled. I don't have any advice to offer because my WS engaged in NSA sex so there was no pining. But, I wanted you to know you've been heard. Everything about infidelity hurts. And to also advise that it is during this "grieving" period that they often resume contact. Its like a drug. Be on the lookout and take care of yourself.

Are there articles or something to read

You might view it in the same vein as a drug addiction. His brain has been rewired to express neurotransmitters associated with her, and it will take time to rewire it the other way even if he proceeds with the best of intentions. His AP is like heroin that needs to be purged--the withdrawal is no reflection on you. On the other hand, he got himself into this mess, and it is up to him to get out of it. You need not accept any backsliding or excuses.

My wife didn't tell me for a long time so she got through the process of getting over LTA AP on her own. And it took awhile, but the main focus for her became the good she saw in our relationship and determined the reward was never worth the risk.

It takes time, but I hope his focus is on why his choice was wrong, what he needs to do to be a better and safe partner and why he wants to be with you.

Brookeeg1,

I can say that he is suffering from affair addiction. Much like drug addiction, the affair triggered the same pleasure centers in his brain. His brain is swimming in dopamine, endorphins, and bunch of other "Love" Chemicals. Time is the only thing to get him past this. I know this because I experienced it. I was able to get over the addiction in a matter of months. Looking back, I am embarrassed to even admit it.

A very good marriage counselor with a specialty in infidelity would be a good start for both of you on the long road to reconciliation.

Have faith, he will get over it.

I agree with everyone who says it's just like getting over an addiction. It is so much like that that I really feel it is an addiction. I was very unconventional in my approach and my approach wouldn't be popular here. I actually rubbed my husband's back and reminded him that I loved him unconditionally. I'm not suggesting you do that. I'm not sure many people could do it the way I did. With that said I think it can be a conversation. You could say "I know you are grieving AP. It tears me apart that this has such a hold on you and it hurts so bad that as you are grieving her, you are ignoring me and the family. " allow him a chance to respond. He might not have a clue why he's feeling that way. I don't mean to talk down about people but I find that many people have a problem identifying their feelings and why they feel that way.

Here's the progression of our story that might help you:

DDAY - he planned to leave me

Through 3 months- husband still worked with her so little progress was made.

3-6 months- he had periods of grieving but was sure of his commitment.

6 months- she broke NC and it resulted in a kiss, he comes clean within a few days and I got the end of TT. He was completely aligned with me. I'm not excusing the kids and it took me a long time to understand it, but it sounds more as though she initiated it and he pulled away quickly. Again no excuse but it was the fuel we needed to move us past her completely because he then was brought 100% into reality.

6-11 months- he went through a process that I can basically describe this way - occasionally he'd remember something that was previously a good thought of her. He'd then remember the impact that memory had on me and our family. Thus turning a fantasy thought into what it really was which was devastating. This particular time was extremely important to our healing. It rewrote all of her allure to frame it correctly. We can NEVER compete with the fantasy they spin of AP. Hell AP can't compete with the fantasy of AP.

Anyway I hope that helps. I know a lot of people wouldn't like my journey, but my journey worked for us. We are extremely happy now. I have a very dedicated husband and life is good. I feel that because we were very open throughout this process that we know each other more intimately than most people do. I also feel that I am very safe and that I'm 99% sure there will never be a relapse. I can never be 100% sure again.

[This message edited by W3IRZ at 3:44 PM, May 9th (Tuesday)]

I'm just looking for others experience with this

My wife's AP threw her under the bus pretty hard. I could tell she was crushed. When I was feeling strong enough, I asked her how she felt about the end of their relationship and how bad AP treated her. Once she realized I was asking sincerely, she opened up. It was tough to hear, but basically all I did was listen. I knew she had noone else to talk to.

It may sound odd, but just acting like a friend actually drew her closer to me. I would rather her feel she could discuss "anything" with me, instead of possibly seeking out her AP to provide support.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 3:44 PM, May 9th (Tuesday)]

When was your DDay?

I may be more evil or blunt than I ever was before my own Dday six years ago but WTF?

He is in pain bc of his shitty choices. He created a terrible situation for everyone involved, especially you.

If he is in so much pain bc of losing the AP then perhaps he is not a good candidate for R?

You have to fight for you right now. The AP is not a friend of you or the marriage (obviously) so any sympathy from you could be construed as you "understanding" and "getting why" he chose to cheat.

Please do not send this message to your WH.

He has free will. Either commit to you and realize what he and the AP did to you (crushed you, I am sure) or go be with her.

I don't think he truly gets what he has done to you and your marriage if he openly grieving the AP.

That is so disrespectful to you. I so hate this for you.

(((strength)))

Head up. YOU are worth being 1st. Don't settle for anything else.

Brookeeg1, ask your WH if he would pine for a friend who he discovered had molested his daughter?

If he now realises that an A was wrong, then he should see his AP as morally corrupt. He should see her as someone who participated in violating his marriage. If, in spite of that, he pines for her, he definitely is not remorseful.

I won't say that you should kick his ass to the curb. That's your call. It is a pity that the anger phase only hits four or five months after D-day. At the beginning most BSs want to do anything to save their marriage. I regret not finding my anger sooner.

But I wish you strength. The only way to shake him out of his obsession is to take a strong stand. Show him zero sympathy for his pining after AP.

that's a great analogy Ephimera.

I couldn't handle it one minute. he'd be out the door. how do you respect yourself knowing he already made a commitment on your wedding day and then he reneged and grieved for this person?

yeah, game over. it might get the spouse back but at what cost to the BS's self worth?

[This message edited by sewardak at 5:42 PM, May 9th (Tuesday)]

If I had ever thought for one second that my WH was grieving the loss of AP I would have not stayed. He actually seemed relieved when I found out about the affair. I think he felt trapped in a sense with her.

I have no sympathy or compassion for anyone grieving the loss of their AP. The drug addiction analogy makes sense in theory, but I personally don't buy it.

Sorry to hear Brook,

Grieving is a funny thing. Shortchange the process and it will come back to bite you another day. It sounds like your WS is doing some important emotional work that is necessary if you're both going to move forward in recovery. I completely disagree with the idea that grieving for the AP is a bad sign

If, in spite of that, he pines for her, he definitely is not remorseful.

It could be an opportunity for honesty on his part. Many of us SAY we want intimacy; however, that means perhaps learning things about each other that are just plain painful or uncomfortable.

That being said, I doubt that your WS needs your assistance in this process. Best to, as others said, focus on yourself.

Unfortunately, it's just part of it. The good news is that if he's grieving, then that relationship is over and they're not in contact any longer.

I personally had no emotional capacity to support my WH in his grief. He was dopey enough to complain to me (when I still thought it was an EA) that it was hard to give up someone he'd gotten close to. I just said, well, I can't worry about that. I asked his best friend to be a support to him instead, but guess what, his best friend felt let down and disgusted and wasn't too keen on sitting around and holding his hand either. Thankfully within a couple of weeks WH was cheerfully exclaiming, "I can't believe I don't miss her more! I thought this would be harder!" (And then I was thinking, oh great, you blew up our lives over a person you could get over at the drop of a hat . . . so there's really no winning in this scenario for the WH, just doing the hard work to come out a better person on the other side.)

You know it's not your job to comfort your husband when he's suffering from the unavoidable and obvious consequences of his selfish choices, right?

I don't know if my H grieved OW...he never showed it anyway. Maybe it was because he was scared shitless I was going to divorce him. Maybe your H needs a little fear to replace his pity party.

Brookeeg1, ask your WH if he would pine for a friend who he discovered had molested his daughter?

If he now realises that an A was wrong, then he should see his AP as morally corrupt. He should see her as someone who participated in violating his marriage. If, in spite of that, he pines for her, he definitely is not remorseful.

I won't say that you should kick his ass to the curb. That's your call. It is a pity that the anger phase only hits four or five months after D-day. At the beginning most BSs want to do anything to save their marriage. I regret not finding my anger sooner.

But I wish you strength. The only way to shake him out of his obsession is to take a strong stand. Show him zero sympathy for his pining after AP.

Well said. If my H grieves his AP I would have ZERO empathy for him. That, to me, means she still means something to him, whether it is her physical being or the emotional "high" he got from her attention. In either case, it is wrong and I would still feel I was being betrayed.

I have not confronted my H yet, but I feel the day is near. I know what kind of car she has and every time one like hers appears and I see him looking at it, probably to see if it is her, I feel like he has slapped me in the face. Grieving an AP would be the same to me...he is still thinking of HER - a slap in the face.

[This message edited by nervousnelly at 1:28 PM, May 13th (Saturday)]