SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a tough week for my BW. We all know that recovery is an up and down process for the BS, and that the downs can seem to them so endless sometimes. We are about 3 months out and working really hard on R, and to be honest, overall, it is going about as well as R can go. We both love each other dearly and are putting in the effort to read, talk, get counseling, lean into each other and do things together. All of those things happen and all of them are good things that really seem to help both of us. To be honest, in some ways, our marriage is better than ever. We are learning how to talk to each other and not stuff things down. We are being intimate and loving. We are working at our marriage and not just taking it for granted.

But still, those downs come. The truth is, you can say all the right things, do all the right things, and love each other all you want, but at the end of the day none of that changes the truth about what happened and how much pain I put my spouse in, how much trust I destroyed, how every day she wakes up and wonders if anything I ever said or did was real, and if she will ever be happy again. She wonders if she will ever look at me and not see a scarlet "A" painted on me.

I wish I could take her pain away. I truly do, if only I could take it from her and bear the burden for her I would. She doesn't deserve to hurt, I do. I do what I can to help, and every day I try to give her what she needs, whether that be love, attention, space, comfort, or maybe a strong drink... I know she needs to process this pain. I know she is suffering. I feel ill equipped to help her sometimes, it is like being at the scene of a car wreck and all you have are band-aids. (Worse yet, I was the other driver).

I love her. She has been amazing. She never kicked me out, never left me, and has been understanding and supportive since D-Day and has never stopped trying to work together to heal. I love her to depths I cannot begin to describe, and yet, I crushed her. When the pain gets bad, she goes numb. Sometimes numb is a little sad. Today she decribed her numb as being a zombie. She can't feel, can't think, can't be anything but sad and depressed and disillusioned. She wants to R as much as I do, but at 3 months out, it is hard for her to picture that day when not every day is filled with despair.

Today and every day I am trying to makeup for the love I denied her and then some. The sadder she becomes the stronger I try to be for her. I encourage her to feel her pain, I know she needs to go through it... but at the same time I also encourage her to find reasons to look forward to happiness again. To try and find things that make her smile, even if it is just a baby step. I want her to know that we can truly be happy again one day. On days like this, when she can't bear to do anything more than exist, then I will be twice as supportive so she doesn't have to.

I cannot bear her pain for her. But I can sit beside her and hold her tightly so she need not bear it alone. I cannot predict the future for her. But I can show her through my words, deeds and actions that the possibilities are bright. I cannot remove the stain of the affair. But I can be the man she wants and deserves, and put her back on the pedestal that she should never have been knocked off of in the first place, higher than everyone else in my life. And hope that the band-aids I have are enough to heal the pain over time.

It sounds as if you really "get it." I hope you can keep supporting her for as long as it takes and that you both find what you need for R.

Good luck to you, neighbor (I drive through Tustin every day).

Is your wife a member here?

Yes she is

It's one thing for your wife to read a post that you wrote... maybe hoping that she would see it? It's another thing to look her in the eye and tell her all of these things and continue to let her know how sorry you are. If you truly feel this way, and you seem like you genuinely do, Just hang in there with her as she goes through her roller coaster ride... be there for her and never stop telling her these things - in person. Let her know that you realize what it was that YOU did, that led to your affair and what steps / boundaries you have set for yourself that will never allow anything even close to that develop again. You're on the right track, but us BSs need a lot of patience, understanding, apologies, and your time... Hang in there and keep showing her that you are there for her.

I ahree woth jmax but what about a private letter telling her what you told us. Something less public that is just for her to know. The reason i suggest a letter is so tgat if she's having a "zombie" day*, she can set it aside for a day she feels more able tl deal with it. I kniw everything you said is so well intentioned but (amd this is just my experience, your bs may be different) sometimes wjen you feel numb or sad or tired you just don't have room for someone else's pain. I know my ws suffers a lot of guilt and shame but if I'm honest there are days when my own pain makes it hard for me to support him

Maybe that's selfish but i think early on (less than 2 months since last dday for us) bs has to have days that they just process and heal in a selfish way. I hate to say it but there are days I can't carry his burden too.

*as a bs I relate to that term so much. It's strangely comforting to see someone else use the same term, as sad as it is to know another is suffering there is a little comfort in not being the only one. That it's normal within the circumstances

I thought so. A lot of your posts read as if you're hoping she will read it.

Have you posted your story yet?

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:26 AM, February 25th (Saturday)]

If you think the zombie days are bad wait till the anger phase hits. I've read some of your story and hope you're getting help because the anger will likely be difficult for you to cope with given your past. Just giving you the heads up as to what's coming next so you can prepare.

I wish my WS "gets it" like you :(

Like the poster previous said - and I did not believe it til now - you're going to see an angry side to her very soon. I'm into the fourth month and boy I can't stop, it's why I'm online here hiding in my bed away from the world so I don't let another awful sentence come out my mouth.

Take care. It sounds like you have enough remorse to take this through. Give her space.

seriously... 3 months out

you ain't seen nothing yet

words ya know are meaningless and this almost reads like love bombing but than I am feeling sarcastic ATM

She wants to R as much as I do = you know this because? She must be a reflection of your wants or has she told you truly how she's feeling

Are you really listening to her? What if she said get the heck out she needs to be alone, not you trying "to be for her... "

The marital trust-bond you shattered takes time to rebuild, and I really hope it's not about you "taking the pain away" wishes if that translates to "damn this is uncomfortable for me, I want it over"

healing takes years my friend - the process is a marathon

[This message edited by Merida at 12:19 PM, February 25th (Saturday)]

Thank you all for your input. Yes, to some degree I hoped my spouse might see my post. When I can't reach her one way, I try another way. There's no science to this... it try/fail/try again until you find what helps and what works.

On the other hand I also just want to post my feelings and get some feedback, to know if I'm on the right path. I try to "get it" as best I can. But I know I was once so deep in the fog that it led to the destruction of my marriage. And when you are in that state of mind, you don't think you are. So it's best to ask others sometimes if you are on the right path or just deluding yourself.

In the future I'll be more careful to ask specific questions or reply with answers.

By the way, today, so far at least, has been a little better for her. :)

I can relate to the zombie reference. I feel my marriage died the day my WS boarded a plane to go meet MOW. It's been dead almost 3 yrs now. Every now and then WH will give me a hug, or act nothing has changed and I can see a marriage zombie walk thru the room. Dead marriage walking. I feel like getting a broom and chasing it out the door.Good luck in your R, I'm here cheering you guys on

[This message edited by SMSA925 at 3:14 PM, February 25th (Saturday)]

Your post made me cry. You seem so genuinly sorry for your actions and are trying to rebuild. Give her time and space.

Keep loving her. Sending good thoughts your way!

That is a helluva love letter dude. I hope that it's genuine.

I wish the both of you nothing but the best!

I just bumped a good thread for you regarding reconciliation . R timeline. It may give you an idea of what's to come. it REALLY does take 2-5 years to recover whether you reconcile or not. At this point she is probably just trying to survive.

I also read your thread in wayward about her feeling that your not "getting it". Maybe reread it. Support her and show her you want your marriage, but give her time to heal herself. I delayed my own healing by focusing on my WS and marriage instead of myself.

And for the record I doubt that your wife thinks your marriage is better than ever!!!

[This message edited by noname7 at 9:08 PM, February 25th (Saturday)]

I teared up as I was reading this!! You are empathetic & seem to be willing to do what it takes to help your wife heal.

How is wish my WH "got it like you". Almost 1 yr. DD, and WH is no closer to "getting it". So I'm just working on me now!

Sounds like you have the right mindset , to help your wife "heal". As hard as it gets, don't give up on her!! She is going through hell!!!

Good luck