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When did it stop for you? I still find myself on edge and still checking his phone. Still reading between the lines of how we interact with each especially how he interacts and most importantly reacts.

How long did it take for the hypervigilance to go away? It makes me wonder if my M is worth fighting for, I hate this feeling

I think my hyper-vigilance ebbed after the first antiversary window passed without incident.

It helped tremendously that FWH was behaving in a transparent, trustworthy manner (minor hiccups aside)

Given that you are not even 2 months out from finding out about broken NC, I'm not surprised you are still hyperviligant.

I stayed on high alert for about the first year, and the only reason I finally settled down was because I never found anything to cause me concern in that year. If I had, the clock would have started all over.

The feeling will go away, but only if your WH is doing what he should be. Over time as you verify what he is saying and doing without finding reasons for concern, you will relax.

(((crazyblinsided)))

This mess is not easy.

9 months out still there but not as frequent and intense only when I have a wobble like feeling too good to be true .

yes, yes, this is what I was getting at in my post too, it does sometimes feel like this man is too good to be true and i get all hyper-vigilant and paranoid.

He just surprised me, took me out for lunch, and while it made me feel special, it also scared me, I was worried he was going to drop a bombshell on me or was hiding something.

Yet I have no reason for that feeling, he really has provided complete transparency, and has passed all the tests, ones he knows about and ones he doesn't. I honestly believe he just wanted to spend some time with me, but there's that reactive part of me that chimes in with fear.

I know it makes sense to still carry fear this close to such major trauma, so for the veterans, what techniques did you use to distinguish between paranoia and legitimate concerns? And how did you calm the paranoia, any tricks? Is that what you were wondering about crazyblindsided, or am I jacking the thread?

The more answers the better NobleCause. I'm with you I just can't seem to relax even when things are good. Sometimes I feel as though my hypervigilance pushes him away when he is trying to make strides. It's so frustrating.

I wouldn't say at this point you are hypervigilant. I'd say right now you are smart. You need to check things to protect yourself. That is reasonable and expected.

I likely come at this from a different perspective, because my second dday was 3.5 months after the first. I would caution most to not let down their guard until about the 6 month mark.

Don't worry about pushing him away. He needs to be doing everything in his power to keep you.

What I learned, either from this site, or from books I've read is that it's the BS responsibility to maintain this vigilance, regardless of your suspicion level. It's part of the healing process... finding 'nothing' is a huge part of trust rebuilding. For those in R, it's one of the few things a BS can (and should) do themselves to start to trust their WS again.

I plan on keeping this daily routine up for a year, at which point I'll re-evaluate the frequency and steps taken to monitor.

I wouldn't say at this point you are hypervigilant. I'd say right now you are smart. You need to check things to protect yourself. That is reasonable and expected.

I likely come at this from a different perspective, because my second dday was 3.5 months after the first. I would caution most to not let down their guard until about the 6 month mark.

Don't worry about pushing him away. He needs to be doing everything in his power to keep you.

Thanks for this. I needed to hear that, especially today. I guess until I feel safe then I can ease up a little. Right now I don't feel safe.

I will keep it up until I feel comfortable.

I am not as much of a phone nazi as I used to be but when I do check, and find nothing, it is reassuring. For me, at 3.5 months out, it is a sense of reassurance for me that I am not ready to let go of. I personally believe that you will tone it down when your gut starts to tell you it is ok. I just don't think there is a specific timeline to any of this....

3 years for me. But they work together.

Crazy and Noble,

you both have to realize you are in reaction mode still. The trauma is still new, fresh and raw. Every search you do... every stone you turn over that reveals nothing will be one step closer to ending the need to look into everything.

I don't remember how long it took, but one day I was crazy- googling a number I thought was familiar to only finally find it was our friends.

I realized the searches were just another way to make me nuts. I had never found anything, but if I had a thread I could turn it into a sweater in no time...only to find it was always in my head. I had to just let it go.

When it's right for you, you will know. Don't beat yourselves up over it.

I will let you know. I am alomost 1 year from DDay and I still tense when he gets texts or phone calls. I still GPS every once in awhile just for my peace of mind. Emails still get sporadic checks.

As long as he stays transparent I am hoping I can stand down sometime in our 2nd year.

Right now the hyper-vigilance is what keeps me sane. My WH lied and refused to go NC for another year and a half after our first D-Day.

This is my only way of knowing he is no longer lying to me so I can start to heal and to learn to trust again. It has been over 2 years since our d-day.

Hypervigilance is wearing me down to the bone. I keep hearing it will get better, so that is what I hold on to. It is so comforting to know I am not the only one hypervigilant.

Well, you and I are about at the same time-frame for D-Day. My WH is doing everything that he can to be completely transparent with me and came out of the fog pretty quickly.

And Thursday, when he had a company picnic and a scavenger hunt, I triggered so bad that I had him send me photos every 30-40 minutes or so, was compelled to do a drive-thru of his ex-favorate stip club, and did a drive-thru of his work parking lot.

I expect to be hypervigalent for a long time. Because, as he puts it, I cannot trust him right now because he is broken, and only beginning to put himself together.

For me it took about 8 months before I could relax a little bit and not check twice a day. Over 3 years out though and if I get any weird feeling at all, I am all over it. I check everything until I am satisfied. I don't think there is a time limit at all, do what brings you comfort and security until you don't need to anymore. Give yourself some time. It is exhausting I remember it very like it was yesterday. It was a daily ritual for a LONG time for me.