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Weekend Trip

HorribleHubby posted 2/22/2021 06:48 AM

BS and I had a weekend trip planned before Valentine's weekend. We were going with her brother and his wife.. They are pretty much our best friends and we travel a lot together. We don't really discuss what's going on with us with them or any of our friends. I wasn't sure how things would go because usually there is much alcohol involved. Everything was civil between BS and myself but pretty cold. We didn't speak to each other much at all. I slept on the couch in the hotel. I let the drinks sneak up on me like I usually do and I went to bed first. The next morning my BS asked if I remembered anything about the night. I didn't. She told me after she came back to the room I was talking in my sleep sounding terrified and physically fighting with something in my dreams. Later when BS told me about it, she asked if I was finally confronting my demons. I would like to think so. I have another session with the new IC on Tuesday. I am looking forward to it. When we got back into town Sunday, we went to lunch with BIL and SIL. BS wanted to go find something else to do. She said she didn't want the fun times to end. What she meant was she didn't want to go home with me. Although I understood, it broke my heart.

Chaos posted 2/22/2021 07:25 AM

HH - BS here. You may want to consider a stop sign on this.

Reading through your other post - it is a miracle your BS got through that weekend. And went through the pretense of fronting it for your BIL/SIL.

She's as broken as broken can be and suffering like you can't even imagine - yet kept up appearances.

I'm not sure if you expect her to shrug all this off OR you expect her to keep fronting for your benefit.

I hear a lot of "I"s in your post. It reads this is all about you. There is very little about her pain and sorrow except for how it affected you. And screams still so very selfish.

PS - if the drinking to that extent is your usual - that's yet another demon you have to face. The sooner the better.


JoshQ posted 2/22/2021 08:20 AM

I don't have the time right now to read through your previous posts to understand the history and context, but I will still give my best shot to give my input.
If you haven't begun to confront your demons, then how can your spouse take you seriously? How can you expect her to move on with you and begin to have the good times like you did before? Things will never ever be the same, I can attest to this being the wayward. But already, I can say i'm doing mostly everything I can to show her that I am taking this seriously and that I am ready to fix the problem(Sex Addiction for me). Of course, she doesn't trust me at all, so I am even going as far as to make sure that I am an open book, quite literally. I can't even step into the bathroom with my phone, and i'm ok with that. My point is, she won't take you seriously and even want to become vulnerable with you until you take your responsibility for your own problems. I hope you will do that for her.
Second, I would suggest not drinking to that extent anymore. It can be a difficult task. I am currently in the middle of deciding whether I should drink again or have a drink occasionally. One thing is for sure, though: I will not drink unless she is with me. One drink is understandable, but if you are drinking to the point of not remembering things, then again, are you taking things seriously? You can't drink away your problems. She will respect when you make your own effort to stop these behaviors instead of getting to the point of someone else having to tell you to do it. Join AA if you have to. I go to sex addicts anonymous.
I wish you the best, my dude. I hope my advice is helpful.

HorribleHubby posted 2/22/2021 08:22 AM

Hi Chaos, all comments are welcome. You are right about selfishness. I had a big-time problem at the beginning and it looks like I still do. I didn't mean for this post to come across like that. At the beginning of all this, I wanted whatever pity I could get. I thought I had worked through that. I didn't mention that BS told me she was not going to let the shitty things I did take away from her life. After D-Day, I swore to BS, god, and myself that I would put BS first no matter what. I truly want to but always screw that up. I know she is still hurting but I think she went on that trip to have fun and I hope she did. She has still gone out and did a couple of things she loves to do. We both find ourselves in that position. We used to get liquored up and lash out at each other. That doesn't happen much anymore. We kind of know the mindset to avoid. When it is just us two we tend not to drink that much.

HorribleHubby posted 2/22/2021 08:34 AM

Hi JoshQ, I thought I did had dealt with the demons accordingly but I guess not. I do have a NEW IC to help delve into that. I really don't drink without her anyway, maybe a beer in the garage or something but not in secret. Neither of us drink every day. And the binges are usually with BIL and SIL. As the weather improves I would like for us to do more than stay drunk every weekend anyway. BS is totally ok with having a no-drink weekend and I am too. Our Friday night date night would consist of us going to a beer garden and only having a couple. We have made friends with the owners and it's just a fun place to be. We have rarely got totally shit-faced while we are on a date night.

MrCleanSlate posted 2/22/2021 11:40 AM

HH,

There a lot to unpack here.

Later when BS told me about it, she asked if I was finally confronting my demons

This is the big flashing neon light. Your BW is waiting for you to start to deal with things. All things. Not just your A. She is seeing that everything is interconnected. You still have a lot of work to do!

Next up is the blackout drunk. I'm not judging. I consider myself an alcoholic. I haven't drank in a few years now. I was a 'good' drunk. I think I had 2 blackout drunk nights EVER. I could drink all day, not ever really being too drunk. I was functional. I tell you this to let you know it is not about quantity that you drink, or how drunk you are. It impairs you. From what you wrote in responses so far it is telling.

After D-Day I realized I needed to make a lot of changes. stopping the lies was one. I also quit smoking and drinking. That was a lifestyle change, but more it was an attitude change.

My BW and I really worked hard to reconnect as we moved into R. Having open discussions became more and more common and easy. I think you wold do well to start a discussion with your BW about this past weekend.

HorribleHubby posted 2/22/2021 12:24 PM

Thanks Mrcleanslate. You are absolutely right. She has been waiting for a long time. And I have SOOOO much work to do. I thought I had a handle on things when times were good. When something came up I went right back to lying to her face. At the risk of sounding in denial, the drinking isn't about hiding from everything. Unhealthy as it is we have done these kinds of weekends for many years. Most of the time if she had too much I would ease off and take care of her and vice versa. But sometimes I hope we get to go out and forget about everything sometimes. Because we don't discuss our problems with BIL and SIL, I think we use them as a buffer sometimes. The attitude changes seem to be the hardest. I want to more than anything. I don't like the person I have become. The weight doesn't fall on the new IC, I know I have to do the work but I'm hopeful she can guide me through with the right tools to be the person BS needs and deserves. I want to make these changes the right way.

[This message edited by HorribleHubby at 1:27 PM, February 22nd (Monday)]

gmc94 posted 2/22/2021 17:41 PM

BW here...

she won't take you seriously and even want to become vulnerable with you until you take your responsibility for your own problems
That sums it up pretty nicely, IMHO.

Have you read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald? I think most SIers would say it's a crucial first step.

I also believe that book Cheating in a Nutshell could shed some serious light on the experience of being a BS. I don't think it's an easy book for a WS or a BS to read, esp if they want to R. However, it is a pretty simple/straightforward description of what happens to a traumatized BS (kind of makes the connections between the trauma and the infidelity). Although directed to BS, I think WS could find benefit, esp if they are able to manage their shame and have a solid desire to work on their empathy (Chaos' comment about the "I"s in your OP made me think of it).

And - again this is from the BS perspective - while I'm confident that the idea that your BS wanted to extend the weekend in order to avoid going home with you "breaks your heart", imagine what it's like on the other side of the street?

And finally, just bc you and your BW have a history of drinking, doesn't mean it may not be time to take a long and HARD look at when/why you drink. I'm no prude or teetotaler.... but the elements that go into having an A are strikingly similar to being an addict. It all starts with lying to yourself and rationalizing that what you are doing "isn't that bad". Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't, but now may be a good time to lay off (see my tagline? My WH was drunk when he spur of the moment decided to walk into our garage and hang himself while I was clearing the dishes, and it's a flipping MIRACLE that I found him when I did and he lived).
Again, NO judgment here, just something to consider.


HorribleHubby posted 2/23/2021 06:18 AM

Thanks, GMC94, I have read the book right after the As. I did take it to heart and for the last year, we have been in a better place until Valentine's day when I shattered our world again by lying to her and trying to make her think she imagined what she saw. The drinking is because of the company we keep. BIL and SIL can not just have a couple at dinner. They are always on a mission when they start. They even have a drinking schedule that they follow. They are the people we spend most of our time with, so when in Rome, you know. On our Friday date nights, BS and I would stop by a place we know and have a couple of beers and sometimes a couple of martinis and dinner from our favorite restaurant. Then it's usually home and on the couch with a movie or TV. The drinking hasn't been an issue with BS since the As. After D_Day BS ask me to leave. I went to my brothers and I did stay drunk for most of that time. Since then it is something we do together.

Chaos posted 2/23/2021 07:47 AM

The drinking is because of the company we keep.

Very gently HH this is a load of crapola. Sure - it is easy to justify to yourself. But it is still crapola. And tells me you are very comfortable with justifying bad behavior.

You can choose not to partake. You can choose moderation. Either way - you choose. Anything else is an excuse. If that is beyond your ability - please seek help.

That's not judgement - that's care and concern from an Internet Stranger called Chaos.

MrCleanSlate posted 2/23/2021 09:24 AM

HH,

Chaos called you out, rightfully so. I used to use all sorts of excuses too. It was when I stopped making excuses for things, that I saw I had addiction problems (smoking, drinking, external validation, etc.) and quit those in order to stop avoiding dealing with things. You are avoiding things. Doing that will only lead to more problems.


to be the person BS needs and deserves

Wrong. You need to change to be the person YOU need and deserve to be. You do this for yourself. Everything else will fall into place once you do that.

I tried to quit smoking for years, my wife bugged me at first. Later she stopped trying. I finally quit for myself and succeeded. See how well that works?


[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 9:25 AM, February 23rd (Tuesday)]

HorribleHubby posted 2/23/2021 10:08 AM

Thank you, everyone. I didn't realize just how much I make excuses. I really thought I had owned my problems, but I just covered them up. I sure that's part of why we never really healed a couple nor I as a person. This gives me a great starting point.
Thank you again.

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