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Parent alienation with teens

DragNet posted 10/25/2020 18:55 PM

Is there a board or support group for people that are experiencing parental alienation? My exH cheated and proceeded to play the victim (he is severely narcissistic and it is his speciality) and turned my two teen boys against me. I feel very alone in this. He swore that if I tried to get alimony he would turn the kids against me and he was successful. There doesnít seem to be anything I can to or anywhere I can turn. My childrenís and my PC all say there is nothing for me to do except hope for the best when they are adults. The pain in my heart is unbearable.

Ratpicker posted 10/25/2020 19:03 PM

Dragnet, it is so painful, feels like a double betrayal or even bigger multiplier. I found some comfort & a bit of resolution for myself in the books and articles by Amy J.L. Baker, PhD.

DragNet posted 10/25/2020 19:06 PM

Thanks, RatPicker. I will check out that author.

The1stWife posted 10/26/2020 06:06 AM

I am so sorry for you.

Can I ask the ages of your children? And what is your custody agreement?

barcher144 posted 10/26/2020 10:03 AM

The best resource that I know comes from Craig Childress.

He has a Facebook discussion group. He also has a handful of videos online that you can watch on Youtube. I particularly recommend his testimony in front of the subcommittee of the Pennsylvania legislature.

PA is really dicey, both as far as the mental health field and as far as the legal system. Most of mental health focuses on individuals, so PA is obviously not covered there.

The one area of mental health that could focus on PA is "Family Systems"... according to Childress, there was a bunch of work done on PA in the 1980s, but although those researchers generally made the right conclusions... their methodology was complete crap.

Ergo, the mental health field is pretty divided over PA... and the legal system is not well-equipped to handle it either.

I personally struggled with PA quite a bit, particularly with my two older kids -- one of whom I now suspect has Aspergers. During my custody evaluation, the evaluator determined that STBXWW made numerous "poor decisions" but none of her behavior reached the level of "parental alienation" because, according to her quack-theory, the kids had different stories of PA events... meaning, the evaluator had self-concluded that Parental Alienation must require the inflicting parent to say the same thing (separately) to each of the children.

Good luck... parental alienation is the worst. And I say that as someone who has been on this site for more than four years (i.e., it's worse than infidelity).

DragNet posted 10/27/2020 05:20 AM

The1stWife The twins are 15 (b/g) and my oldest sone is 16. The judge said the kids are old enough to decide where to live, so my daughter switches houses at random times and my sons stay with my ex. My sons will not have anything to do with me because of things my cheating ex has told them as he was trying to gain their sympathy. They told their counselor they do not want me in their lives. There is no communication. Iím so heartbroken.

DragNet posted 10/27/2020 05:25 AM

barcher144 Before our divorce was final, I tried to get an evaluator assigned or the judgeís help. The judge refused because the kids were 14, 14, and 15 at the time. I have no legal help. A counselor was assigned, but what alienating parent makes sure the kids go to a counselor so they can receive outside information? None.

I will check out that FB group. Thanks!

Anna123 posted 10/27/2020 07:29 AM

Next time you speak with your teens suggest they Google 'parental alienation'. Just for their own knowledge so they have more power in their own life. Maybe by some off-chance if they get bored they will look it up.

Also I know you probably already have, but keep reminding them that you are always there for them and it is okay with you for them to love both your ex and you, EVEN THOUGH EX has a problem with that. (no emotion, just the facts, ex has a problem with it and you are just stating it). Plant the seed that it is ex manipulating them and not their own thoughts and feelings, without preaching or ever showing anger at ex, which reduces it to you vs him.

It probably won't produce any results right away but seeds grow.

Take care.

million pieces posted 10/27/2020 08:07 AM

I didnít go through this, but a good friend of mine is with her two sons, 18 and 20 now. Started 2 years ago. At first the oldest took dads side, and youngest didnít want to see dad, now it has flipped. Her STBX is a master manipulator, was able to seduce several moms in the community into having affairs over the past 10 years. I never really believed in this dynamic until I saw it with my own eyes. Anyway, he has turned his skills on his sons right now. Thank god my friend sees as it is, and has had at least one son talking to her at a time. Unfortunately they have both aged out and her court case is next week, so she canít really get any enforced help. The youngest is in counseling right now because of grades, but they are gently addresses everything.

What I did experience when my kids were younger was perfect behavior with their father and I got ALL the crazy. My therapist and the kids therapists said over and over, they feel safe with me, they donít see my love as conditional. They saw their dad leave us and if they werenít extra good with him, he wouldnít have them over. I donít actually think my ex said or did anything to imply this, but this is what they worked out in their brains. As soon as they realized that their father wasnít actually leaving their lives,, this settled down, but took almost 2 years. Two years of my ex saying he didnít know what I was talking about, they were angels at his house I think that this dynamic is also at play here with you and your husband, your kids feel the need to appease him because deep down they donít trust his love.

Anyway, thanks for the thread, I will be sure to pass on all the above references to my friend.

barcher144 posted 10/27/2020 18:17 PM

A counselor was assigned, but what alienating parent makes sure the kids go to a counselor so they can receive outside information? None.

Yep. I understand. Fully.

It's part of our parenting agreement that our children enroll in family therapy. I interpret this as having STBXW's permission to enroll in the family therapy. She disagrees and my lawyer says that because she disagrees, I cannot do it.

So, yeah, I understand fully.

The legal system completely sucks as far as parental alienation.

Chrysalis123 posted 10/27/2020 19:26 PM

This happened to me. I have 2 daughters now 25 and 23. Narc ex started in on his golden child at age 14. By 15 she refused to have contact, stole from me, and was extremely cruel to me in a public way. Dad enticed her with a car, master suite, and money.

A few times she used my desperation to have her in my life to manipulate me to get things...and then discarded me again after her goal was met.

I have always told her I loved her. I did not guilt her. Itís a long story of twists and turns.

Younger child alienated from me between 17-20. She is now back to her old self and we have a great relationship.

My oldest will send me a bday text and and xmas text containing about 6 words. The rest of the year nothing even if I contact her first. The pain used to be debilitating and now I realize the bday and Xmas texts are her way of justifying her position...I don't have fake hope anymore.

At some point I realized I needed to save myself. I needed to use all the tools I learned from SI on myself and my lack of relationship with my oldest daughter.

Now, I have compartmentalized the pain and rejection. I store it in a part of my brain and I don't visit. There is nothing I can do anyway.

I was not a perfect mom. But I was a good enough mom most of the time. No one deserves something this traumatic, and I need to love myself and guard my heart because it has now been 11 years of alienation and intense pain.

So, I totally understand how awful this is for you and I am so sorry.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 9:24 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)]

Minnesota posted 10/27/2020 19:49 PM

DragNet- I can't even imagine what that pain must be like.

So from an objective "it's not in my face" perspective, keep in mind that this is a long game. Marathon, not sprint. We can hope that eventually over time, both of how you are will show out and your kids will even out. Be a good solid consistent mom. Don't play his game. Don't try to get your daughter to take sides. Just be awesome at who you are. Make sure they know that love them and they are welcome any time. If you make them feel guilty, they could run from that. Be your best self. Do things that give you life. (besides shanking your xh) Eventually, they will see who he is. And who you are. Stay in the game.

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