AboveAverage7913 posted 10/22/2020 15:18 PM

My BPD-ish / NPD-ish WW has driven me to the brink of solvency.

She quit her job ~ 2 years ago, and blames me for $ problems (which she will say contributed to her decision to have an A), yada.

In terms of D, it would be good to go now as the 3-year look back will include her past 6-figure income to calc alimony.

However I/we cannot actually afford D. i.e., I don't have enough $ for a retainer without taking on more debt, assuming I can get approved.

I actually went for a balance transfer this week and received "we will send a decision by mail in ~7 days" vs. every prior credit app has been immediately approved. I still have a 700+ cred score, down from ~800 about a year ago, but debt to income ratio is rising.

I've identified a good atty, but cannot put down the retainer without taking on some type of debt, which appears to be dicey - we'll see what the letter says in the coming week.

Also need to consider the likely impact on my kids. Near term, there is an excellent chance that everyone needs to move in order to extract equity from our current home. Assuming we end up with 50/50 custody, that means trading one really nice home for two very modest homes, it will be a mess for everyone I'm sure.

I know I could represent myself and skip the atty fee, but I cannot possibly do it well and function well at work, and navigate the emotional rollercoaster at the same time. I want support from an atty.

No easy answers on this one, but I'd be interested to hear from others who have been at the edge of bankruptcy pre or post divorce.

This shouldn't be about the money, yet here I am.

TIA.

Robert22205https posted 10/25/2020 14:22 PM

IMO there's more traffic and you'd get more targeted advice that addresses your situation by continuing your initial post on Just Found Out or General where ever I saw it.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 6:53 PM, October 25th (Sunday)]

Tigersrule77 posted 10/28/2020 06:48 AM

So your WW is driving you deeper into debt the longer you are married. But you can't afford D? I'd say you can't afford NOT to D. From what you are saying, it is only going to get worse.

You can probably find the forms you need to submit online and complete them yourself. Once you file, to start the process, separate your finances. Cancel any cards with her name on them to prevent her driving you deeper into debt.

If you know you want to D, delaying things are only going to make things more difficult for you.

IwillSurvive2020 posted 10/28/2020 07:08 AM

Have you looked into a mediator? I don't know if it varies by state and I really don't know what to expect with one, but in talking to a recently divorced friend of mine, she recommends that route (if possible) over an attorney. I'm guessing because it's quicker and cheaper. Good luck.

barcher144 posted 10/28/2020 09:59 AM

You are merely digging yourself a deeper hole by procrastinating.

I was lucky and I was in good financial position prior to my divorce. No "bad debt" (beyond a mortgage, car loan, etc) and $17K in the savings account.

Now, I have $25K+ in credit card debt.

The old joke... why is divorce so expensive?

BECAUSE IT IS WORTH IT!!!!

Sorry to say this, but your situation is only going to get worse, not better.

LadyG posted 10/28/2020 21:23 PM

I think my STBX wished we had settled the D at the start of this year when I wanted it.

We run a business and with Covid shutdowns our incomes have halved in 6 months.

He fought me for a 60/40 split in his favour which I agreed to, but he still wanted more...

Holding out for more, has really backfired on him now as I am no longer in a financial position to buy him out.

We are going to have to wait another 6 months now and hope that things improve.

Neither of us can afford to Divorce now. We are hanging onto savings and assets for dear life. We can’t afford to retire either just yet.