"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Tori20 posted 10/20/2020 14:40 PM

I would love any advice you have. I want this work more than anything but is it even possible? Backstory...We have been together 18 years(two kids) For close to a year we hadn’t been doing good. Barely talking. No sex. Honestly not sure what…. just busy and life. This was just the new norm I guess. Well in November I looked at his phone(because he had been on it all the time) Found he was using the text now app to talk to prostitutes. One message asked her “ are you back in town yet” Well obviously he had met up with her. When I confronted him he admitted it. Well doubtful it was all of it. He sAid he had done it 3 times with same girl and only a BJ. We talked about how horrible our rely was. Not that was an excuse….
He promised he wouldn’t do it again. Our relationship seemed 100% better . We were spending so much time
Together and LOTS of awesome sex. (I did get checked)
Welllll….. August 7th I just had a bad gut feeling and logged
Into his email. Still seems CRAZY to me that I had that feeling and he was contacting a prostitute within minutes of me checking it. They were emailing back-and-forth about where to go and what time. Well She added her number so I text her from another number acting like I wanted an appointment. So I got her address and I went to the house. And sure as shit he was parked out front still in his car. I got there about five minutes to early. He saw my car and drove off.Tried calling me about 70 times. He completely shattered my heart that day. But once we finally sat down and talk he swore he didn’t go in but I think he would’ve. Which I do believe Because I called. That whore and asked if she’d seen him before. So super long story sorry. But we are still together that day we had a very long talk. Many talks really. He gave me every email login that he has. He also has a Life360 on his phone where that tracks where you’re at at all times. We had this on our phone already for our boys that are new drivers. (I should’ve known right away when he deactivated that because it “ran down his battery.“ ) I even have his Google account to his phone. So I could see his search history his location anything he looks up. I know this may sound extremely stocker-ish. And for a while I was checking daily. But I am getting much better at that. It’s not easy. And I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I would love any advice anyone has. Am I totally insane? We have also been going to church and for the first time probably ever we have really put God in a relationship.I can honestly say that in the 18 years we’ve been together I’ve never been this happy. It’s just different. But there still always that thought in the back of my mind if he still doing it and will he do it again. I know I’m done if he does. I pray every day that he Does the right thing when the temptation is there. Again I would love any advice from any of you…. anything. Thanks!

crazyblindsided posted 10/20/2020 14:56 PM

I'm so sorry this is happening to you but you have found the right place for help and support. Honestly it sounds like your WS is not very remorseful and is just sorry he got caught. The first thing I would do if I were you is to have him start seeing an IC (independent counselor) for just him and one for you too to help process your emotions. Infidelity is very traumatizing to the BS (blind spouse or betrayed spouse). I would also put a keylogger on his computer and phone so that you can see what he is doing. A GPS on the car so you can see where he is going. This could also possibly be a sexual addiction and you may want to get a diagnosis.

Tori20 posted 10/20/2020 15:25 PM

Thank you so much!! I am sure hoping this helps. Feels good talking to someone who gets it. I do feel like he is very remorseful, but that may be my wishful thinking. I am seeing a counselor. He still says not yet. I am not sure what keylogger is but will check it out. We have the life 360 app to show our location at all times.
He tells me he loves me often. I would always have to say it first in the past. He texts and calls to see how my day is going. Kisses me as soon a s I get home. As dumb as this may sound.... it’s been amazing! I just can’t shake the feeling of wondering if he will or is doing it again.
I truly do not know how or when he could have since last time. We spend all our time together except when he is at work. He used to not go to any family gatherings and has been to all since. It’s been great. I just don’t want to be blindsided again. Will i ever Get over this feeling?

crazyblindsided posted 10/20/2020 15:59 PM

Will i ever Get over this feeling?

Eventually it does take a lot of time. The normal healing timeframe is 2-5 years.

Does he talk about why he did this? This is why IC is good for him because he will have to dive into his issues that led to the infidelity. One thing he cannot do is put the blame on you or the M. If he can identify and fix his issues then you have a good chance of this not happening again. If it is an addiction he is going to need professional help.

Tori20 posted 10/20/2020 16:15 PM

I have great days and then it just hits me out of nowhere and I can’t breathe. I can’t believe I was so blind to it all. There were so many signs. When we talked about the why he just said that he wasn’t getting it at home and this was an easy way to get it. He’s not wrong. I am not blaming myself by any means. Neither has he. But our sex life was ZERO for a long time. He tried many times and I just wasn’t feeling it. We also barley talked. We were like distant roommates. So with time it was like we not together. Instead of talking, he chose that road. It makes me sick how easy it is to meet up with them.
In my heart I believe he is sorry, angry with himself for doing it,and doesn’t want to do it again because he saw how bad it hurt me.
My brain tells me since he has done it once and with how Easy it is to schedule a “meeting’ That he may not be able to resist. If I knew for certain he wouldn’t ever to it again I could move on from the past.... but the constant wondering makes me crazy some days. And obviously I HAVE TO BE DONE if it ever happens again.

GTeamReboot posted 10/21/2020 07:28 AM

Just to clarify...

He was with prostitutes about a year ago? (That would mean you are in “A season” and coming up on anniversary of DDay#1, which itself can be triggering)?

And then you thought things were OK until August you caught him going to a prostitute again? Same one?

In that case he was caught and claimed he didn’t go in?

Do you feel you have a rock solid timeline?? If you are at all uncertain you will stay stuck. If he is serious about R (Reconciliation) he will write out a timeline and read it to you and it is subject to a polygraph for confirmation. Those can be booked privately. I can’t shake the feeling that you don’t have the whole story. You only know what was caught. The odds there is more to know are, sadly, high. Almost every single person here has experienced that to some degree. Shame keeps cheaters, even those who are sorry, from sharing more than absolutely necessary. But you deserve the whole truth, and immediately.

Did he get tested for STD? That shouldn’t be on you. If he was with hookers then he could have gotten something and just not passed it to you... yet.

There’s a big difference between regret for getting caught hurt and true empathetic remorse. There’s a difference between him love bombing which is a wonderful feel-good distraction and him digging into what happened and why. I agree that individual counseling (IC) for each of you is important. There’s still a chance you are dealing with a serial cheater.

It seems you are on a decent path but I have concerns for you! Can’t shortcut any of this if you want long term change and healing. And even when everyone does everything “right” it’s 2-5 years to heal.

[This message edited by GTeamReboot at 7:31 AM, October 21st, 2020 (Wednesday)]

Tori20 posted 10/21/2020 07:55 AM

Yes it was last November. Then things seem to be just OK as we were working on things. Then that happened in August. It was a new prostitute. Because of the conversation beforehand I knew that was true. I have never really asked for the entire story because I just think that would hurt me even more. I just want him to be done and not do that to me again. Not that I’m making excuses for him by any means But our relationship was absolutely horrible 18 months prior. It had probably been at least a year since we did anything sexual, went out and did anything together, anything. And yes like I told him I didn’t used to cheat during that time. I may be completely stupid and all this. But I do believe he’s sorry. I do think he regrets it. He used to never ever go with me to anything with my family or anything. The Augusta situation I know he didn’t go in. Because the conversation between them told me the time. And I showed up about five minutes before. And then I called her ass and she promised me that she had never seen him before and that he never came in and bitched me out because she lost money for that session and when I pretended to be a part of. and I do believe that he hadn’t seen her before because of how the conversation went. Between them.And since August we have been a lot more involved with family. We go to church every Sunday. Which I know people that may not believe me I think that sounds crazy. But I do think that part is helping us so much. He will even send me Bible verses occasionally and what they meant to him. Again I noticed some of this may sound absolutely insane. And that’s why I want to talk to people who have been in my shoes. It’s not like I can talk to anyone else about this. Our relationship is night and day to what it was before August. All good things. I completely understand that it will take lots of time to heal. Of course we always want to fast fix. I don’t feel like I’ve had that sick feeling that somethings going on. But some days it just hits me out of nowhere and my anxiety runs crazy. Wondering what if. I do want this to work more than anything in the world. With as wonderful as things have been and the way he’s been talking to me and treating me has been wonderful. But I’m also not an idiot. I’m terrified this is just a phase until he thinks I have forgotten and forgiven. Again I’m always thinking the worst.

Tori20 posted 10/21/2020 08:00 AM

Also, not that it changes anything but he swears he has only ever received a BJ.

Tori20 posted 10/21/2020 08:06 AM

Also, before we had separate checking accounts. We have since combined accounts. (His request) We have a location tracker on our phones. He gave me all sign ons (emails, credit cards) sorry so many comments. I’m struggling today.

shellofme posted 10/21/2020 11:52 AM

Tori20:I'm sorry you need to be here, but I am glad you found this site. If you keep coming here and posting you well get wise advice from people who have been there. When you said:

But I’m also not an idiot. I’m terrified this is just a phase until he thinks I have forgotten and forgiven. Again I’m always thinking the worst.

You aren't an idiot; he has given you very recent reasons to suspect that he is still actively a wayward right now. Many cheaters aren't ready to face their behavior and the hard work involved in changing, but want to stay in their primary relationship where they've promised to be monogamous, but then they'll take their cheating behavior underground while at the same time acting more loving to you (love bombing you). I remember enjoying the loving behavior towards me in the first couple of months post DDay, but it didn't prove that my FWS was trust worthy yet. In fact he wasn't, because he was still hiding information from me. I'm not saying your husband is doing that, I don't know, I'm just hoping you'll be careful with your trust and heart.

I mean this gently with love and understanding: You just found out in August that he went to a prostitute again after thinking you and he were in R since last November, yet you are saying you've never been so happy in this relationship?

He doesn't deserve your trust yet, and it makes sense that you're looking for signs and evidence to learn whether he deserves a chance at reconciling with you. You're not a stalker. It's normal to become a detective when he hasn't given you reason to trust him yet. What you're doing is a form of safety seeking. He has put you through a trauma, and it takes a LONG time (for most of us years) of consistent remorseful behavior on the WS' part, before you can, or should, trust him again.

You are still only 2 months from your most recent DDay, and your most recent DDay wasn't finding out old info, it was him still actively cheating (even an interrupted attempt to meet a prostitute counts as cheating). Please be gentle with yourself, you are going through a trauma. Don't buy into any of the b.s. that you not having sex with him for a year made him go to prostitutes. There is NOTHING you did, or could ever do that would make him do that. That was his choice, and until he owns 100% responsibility for his choices, you are going to have a rocky time trying to reconcile with him. Take care of you right now, and keep reading here.

sisoon posted 10/21/2020 13:24 PM

One big thing your H needs to do that he isn't doing is figuring out how to change from cheater to good partner.

That means learning to short circuit his 'I feel uncomfortable - I'll call a whore and get a BJ' path in his head. The best change is to 'I feel uncomfortable - I'll soothe myself, tell Tori, and ask for her emotional support.'

Ordinarily, that means IC. Have you discussed that?

Tori20 posted 10/21/2020 15:21 PM

Ok first off is there a way to reply to each message? Or do I just keep posted to original forum?

I just want to thank you all for your words of wisdom. I appreciate it more than you know. As horrible as the situation is it feels really good to be able to talk to people who are not going to judge me.

I know and he definitely knows he has not earned my trust back. I figure that will take years. I know this is all still very fresh. As weird as it may sound I feel like this time is way different. Maybe I’m in denial. I asked him the other day if he felt like it was a problem to him to stop doing it. Or if he thinks about it often. His response was I have joint checking account with you, know all my logins and can track my every moment on my phone and you know where I’m at at all times. He said Hes doing all of that for himself Because he knows how wrong it is. Then he said but in doing that it is helping us..
I felt like that was a good honest answer. Am I wrong?
I mentioned IC in August. He said no. I haven’t mentioned it again.. yet. I am in IC.