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Wayward Side :
Time away

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 JBWD (original poster member #70276) posted at 6:10 AM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

The journey continues:

Have been on a 5 week work trip away from home. It bears a LOT of similarity to the time when the A started 4 years ago. I have been prepared better thanks to sober fellowship and a plan for dealing with anxiety and isolation.

Things that have occurred

- Work has only slight similarities right now, but I found myself wishing for a LESS FAVORABLE outcome today than ideal just to prove a peer right, and another one wrong. It was the kind of scenario I found myself in frequently at start of A, and it’s an interesting parallel to see how eager I was to have a personal “win” at expense of a far broader “win...” Wayward mentality that I really didn’t recognize in this sphere, as such...

- Most jarring, interesting... Have had a couple dreams in the past week involving R.

***First night, the dream had what’s best described as a “pharmaceutical ad” vibe, everything was sunny and joyful. In the dream we acknowledged that it took us a long time to reach this point and hard work continued, but we were both all in, and this was “a step in the right direction for us.”***

***Next night, the dream was drastically different. An overwhelming sense of dread and weight. I don’t remember conversation within this dream, but I remember the look of defeat and resignation from BW, and it permeated everything in that atmosphere.***

This series of dreams continues to refine how I view the future. Most importantly it continues to highlight the distinctions between what R could be for either of us. Bottom line, I continue to relearn that R is not good for her. And my mind appears to be helping reiterate that now.

Me: WH (Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)Married 14 years Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter6 months HB, broken NC, TT Divorced

posts: 917   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8596883
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 10:55 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

Hi JBWD,

I found myself wishing for a LESS FAVORABLE outcome today than ideal just to prove a peer right, and another one wrong. It was the kind of scenario I found myself in frequently at start of A, and it’s an interesting parallel to see how eager I was to have a personal “win” at expense of a far broader “win...”

This is a good insight. Your critical awareness of what your mind is doing and what the motivations are behind your thinking continues to be honed.

When I saw "time away" as the title of your post I thought you were taking a step back from SI and would be away for a time. I'm glad it was about something else. Your contributions here add a lot of positive, to my way of thinking.

Proceed with conviction and valor,

A fellow EvolvingSoul.

Me: WS (63)Him: Shards (58)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2571   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8597186
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 JBWD (original poster member #70276) posted at 3:53 AM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

Thanks for the kind words, ES- Doing the steps is really “un-sticking” a lot, I think. Dreams have eluded me most of my life, and the increasing awareness of them coincides with a lot of these other insights.

I was so amazed to catch that ridiculous thought yesterday- My sponsor and I have frequently discussed the amazing discovery of EMOTIONS- I used to consider myself “stoic” perhaps, but I also realize that like a lot of men (boys better phrased!) I was conditioned to be emotionless. Ironic because my Dad prided himself on being an intellectual and free of “macho BS”...

I’m rambling a bit but just sharing more of the revelations as they come...

[This message edited by JBWD at 9:54 PM, October 13th (Tuesday)]

Me: WH (Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)Married 14 years Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter6 months HB, broken NC, TT Divorced

posts: 917   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8597280
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 JBWD (original poster member #70276) posted at 7:14 AM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

2 year antiversary.

God grant me the serenity...

Thought it was tomorrow.

Long, SILENT run in the snow. Thankful for moments among nature. Thankful for my friends in recovery.

Me: WH (Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)Married 14 years Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter6 months HB, broken NC, TT Divorced

posts: 917   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8600239
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MrCleanSlate ( member #71893) posted at 1:16 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

JBWD,

You've made a lot of personal growth. Keep it up.

WH 53,my BW is 52. 1 year PA, D-Day Oct 2015. Admitted all, but there is no 'clean slate'. In R and working it everyday"
To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day

posts: 690   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8600284
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