"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

JBWD posted 10/13/2020 00:10 AM

The journey continues:
Have been on a 5 week work trip away from home. It bears a LOT of similarity to the time when the A started 4 years ago. I have been prepared better thanks to sober fellowship and a plan for dealing with anxiety and isolation.

Things that have occurred
- Work has only slight similarities right now, but I found myself wishing for a LESS FAVORABLE outcome today than ideal just to prove a peer right, and another one wrong. It was the kind of scenario I found myself in frequently at start of A, and it’s an interesting parallel to see how eager I was to have a personal “win” at expense of a far broader “win...” Wayward mentality that I really didn’t recognize in this sphere, as such...

- Most jarring, interesting... Have had a couple dreams in the past week involving R.
***First night, the dream had what’s best described as a “pharmaceutical ad” vibe, everything was sunny and joyful. In the dream we acknowledged that it took us a long time to reach this point and hard work continued, but we were both all in, and this was “a step in the right direction for us.”***
***Next night, the dream was drastically different. An overwhelming sense of dread and weight. I don’t remember conversation within this dream, but I remember the look of defeat and resignation from BW, and it permeated everything in that atmosphere.***

This series of dreams continues to refine how I view the future. Most importantly it continues to highlight the distinctions between what R could be for either of us. Bottom line, I continue to relearn that R is not good for her. And my mind appears to be helping reiterate that now.

EvolvingSoul posted 10/13/2020 16:55 PM

Hi JBWD,

I found myself wishing for a LESS FAVORABLE outcome today than ideal just to prove a peer right, and another one wrong. It was the kind of scenario I found myself in frequently at start of A, and it’s an interesting parallel to see how eager I was to have a personal “win” at expense of a far broader “win...”

This is a good insight. Your critical awareness of what your mind is doing and what the motivations are behind your thinking continues to be honed.

When I saw "time away" as the title of your post I thought you were taking a step back from SI and would be away for a time. I'm glad it was about something else. Your contributions here add a lot of positive, to my way of thinking.

Proceed with conviction and valor,

A fellow EvolvingSoul.

JBWD posted 10/13/2020 21:53 PM

Thanks for the kind words, ES- Doing the steps is really “un-sticking” a lot, I think. Dreams have eluded me most of my life, and the increasing awareness of them coincides with a lot of these other insights.

I was so amazed to catch that ridiculous thought yesterday- My sponsor and I have frequently discussed the amazing discovery of EMOTIONS- I used to consider myself “stoic” perhaps, but I also realize that like a lot of men (boys better phrased!) I was conditioned to be emotionless. Ironic because my Dad prided himself on being an intellectual and free of “macho BS”...

I’m rambling a bit but just sharing more of the revelations as they come...

[This message edited by JBWD at 9:54 PM, October 13th (Tuesday)]

JBWD posted 10/21/2020 01:14 AM

2 year antiversary.
God grant me the serenity...

Thought it was tomorrow.

Long, SILENT run in the snow. Thankful for moments among nature. Thankful for my friends in recovery.

MrCleanSlate posted 10/21/2020 07:16 AM

JBWD,

You've made a lot of personal growth. Keep it up.