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Miscommunication/Sex

MyAndI posted 9/30/2020 16:48 PM

We are very compatible, always have been, but we are in our late 50's and we've been content and not so concerned with frequency, although it's often enough.

But since my high school sweet heart is moving up the street (https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=648687&HL=75422) WW/BW has been wanting more frequency it seems, which I like of course. But the other night I was not really in the mood so I satisfied her, and she was upset that I did not want the same in return. I think her feelings were hurt. I know guys out there are shaking their heads at me, but I just wanted to go to sleep, I had been up for nearly 20 hours. I'm rarely not in the mood.

Then it became about the A. We talked for about a half hour as I was drifting off and then in the AM when I wanted to she was not interested. I like the mornings as much as the evenings. It wasn't to get me back, she's unpredictable about morning.

Anyone else go thru this ever?

[This message edited by MyAndI at 5:21 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

Onebiglie posted 9/30/2020 19:05 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:46 AM, October 1st (Thursday)]

MyAndI posted 9/30/2020 19:27 PM

Onebiglie,

OW didn't get off on hurting my wife.

hikingout posted 9/30/2020 19:54 PM

How long ago was your dday/affair over?

You say that you consider yourself reconciled but it doesn’t really sound like it. How long ago was your wife’s affair?

Sex can be tricky after infidelity. Either party can read into slights and rejections. It doesn’t sound unusual to me.

MyAndI posted 9/30/2020 22:56 PM

Hiking Out,

My DDday was five years ago, and her day was roughly a decade before that. Like I said, and no one seems to be listening, we've been in a good place for a while, but my high school sweetheart is moving literally 10 doors up the street and it has given my wife the creeps. Things we discussed in R back then are resurfacing after laying dormant for so long, so her concerns have made things fresh for me/her again.

I love my wife and don't want to be with anyone else, just being honest with my feelings that have been brought back to the surface, reluctantly I might add.

I'm not conflicted but my mind has gone back to that place in the early days of R.

I'm here because I'm trying to make sense of it, because I don't want to fuck things up.

And I don't think about my wife's affair (hardly ever) as much as I think about how mine made things that much harder. I hope I'm making sense.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 10:58 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

leavingorbit posted 10/1/2020 07:49 AM

Hi, MyandI. Why do you feel like no one is listening to you?

MyAndI posted 10/1/2020 07:53 AM

Because people have said I'm not completely focused on my wife or M

hikingout posted 10/1/2020 08:30 AM

I think the reason is you are assuming people read all your posts. Often, the subject will draw people in and when you posted last about love and the OW it drew in people not following your story.

I feel like in my own path I really had to spend a lot of time evaluating what love was. Love is not fond feelings, love is actions. Love is putting someone first. Love is giving without expectations of receiving.

I believed at the time of my A that I loved the AP. What I really loved was the affair feelings, the highs, the attention. In hindsight, I can see that I didn't love the AP because I didn't care about his well being or the well being of his family. I can't hold him with any fondness at all because he also didn't care about my well being or the well being of my family. The reason people were taken aback is that some of the growth of the relationship and R is seeing how very wrong the affair was. How much it hurt our BS. When I sat and distilled everything through his eyes and watched his pain, and really took it in, it would be impossible for me to look at the A and think there was anything good about it.

So, fast forward to the triggers your wife is experiencing. I feel like that's likely a lack of security that the two of you have failed to create. You have to be willing to look at why that is. I would say your attitude about your A doesn't necessarily show the growth that would maybe instill some of that security.

My H and I are not madhatters. Perhaps your wife understands your affair better because of her own. But, what is her message about her own AP? You are looking for how to fix this and how to keep it moving forward but I feel like you are really still defensive and not really able to take what we are saying in. I think that is another clue as to why your wife is triggering hard over this woman moving in.

What is your agreed upon interaction with this woman, btw? I have had neighbors for more than 10 years that I do not even know their name and our interactions might to be to acknowledge or wave at them if I am passing them on our street.

If you want to find the ways to help your wife be secure, then you have to look deeper than the surface. If you are unwilling to do that, you will continue to feel defensive at the responses to your posts.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:31 AM, October 1st (Thursday)]

MyAndI posted 10/1/2020 09:13 AM

"So, fast forward to the triggers your wife is experiencing.I feel like that's likely a lack of security that the two of you have failed to create."

Things have been really good the last few years and the sense of security for both of has been solid. But there's been nothing to set us off balance really, until the the ex-high school sweetheart contacted me and said she was moving up the street. I never had an A with the her, but it has bothered both of us anyway. Truthfully I don't want her moving up the street.

You can build a sense of security, but it doesn't mean a curve ball can't come along and set things back a little. The armor of security can get a wee crack in it after infidelity (and that's for life) you just have to get out the torch and weld the crack shut. We're working on it together.

hikingout posted 10/1/2020 09:29 AM

Okay, well it sounds like you have it handled then.

Look, in an online forum we are going to bring different thoughts and experiences to the table. And, we are commonly trying to draw bridges on the little info the poster shared. When I post it's a hypothesis for the poster to evaluate. You will notice I use phrases like "sounds like".

But, when you get input it's as if you just want to dismiss it.

I can agree with what you just said. But, at the same time you just posted a day or two about how you did love things about the AP. I drew conclusions from that. It's up to you if you want to evaluate them more closely.

If you have it handled, I am not sure why you are asking us what to do. I am not being a smart ass here, I am trying to reflect back what this interaction seems like. If I told my husband I loved things about my AP - and we are on year 4...he would likely feel that I do not yet understand anything about love and consider me not to be a safe partner. He might handle my telling him that okay on the surface but underneath he would be processing that and making new conclusions from it. This is the best I have for you. I think often we think we are "good" but the insecurity that bubbles up does so because it's already there. That doesn't mean things aren't good, but it means there is more work to do and more analysis to be had. So, analyze it. You are scratching the surface.

Onebiglie posted 10/1/2020 09:31 AM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:45 AM, October 1st (Thursday)]

MyAndI posted 10/1/2020 13:45 PM

Hiking Out,

I agree, more work to do, and I understand how me saying there were things I loved about OW is unsettling.

We talked last night and she said she never asked me before because I fought so for our M after my A was exposed.

A day or two before she asked me this we were at our weekly move night with friends and would you know it, "Walk on the Moon" was chosen. I could feel an uneasy vibe from her.

I'm doing everything I can to make her feel safe. Thanks for listening, HO. And I guess I shouldn't be so defensive.

hikingout posted 10/1/2020 14:22 PM

And I guess I shouldn't be so defensive.

It's hard when you first get here. Sometimes the things people say that get you defensive can be the things that really do jar some things loose. The times I have been most frustrated or defensive here were times I now look back on and realize they illuminated to me my blindspots - even when what the person was saying wasn't entirely accurate. It's a good place with a lot of good insight. I learned the most from the BS's who gave me so many insights to help me understand aspects my husband sometimes couldn't yet articulate.

MrCleanSlate posted 10/1/2020 14:36 PM

MyAndl,

I'm hitting 5 years post D-Day, early 50's - so I can relate. Yes there are nights where I am tired AND performance before bed is not always there, BUT the mornings are still glorious.

Here's the thing though. I think what you are missing is the affirmation your BW wants. This thing about an old flame moving close by has probably set off your BW's radar and she subconsciously wants assurances and your not being up for IT are setting off alarm bells in her head.

You both need to talk, but you also need to read between the lines here and realize that she is stressing out about this.

My BW at times still has moments of feeling she is not 'good enough' or not 'pleasing me' - but what she is really doing is worrying that I may go wayward again. That tells me I still have work to do. That is why I am here 5 years later. And why I suspect you are here too.

MyAndI posted 10/1/2020 15:26 PM

Thanks MCS,

I'm working on giving her the reassurance she needs, and we are talking. I'm taking her to dinner tonight, I will remind her how beautiful she is like I often do.

JBWD posted 10/1/2020 22:46 PM

But since my high school sweet heart is moving up the street WW/BW has been wanting more frequency it seems, which I like of course.

This sounds like your BW is so threatened that she’s trying really hard to get extra validation from you- That she’s still doing the pick me dance and you’re OK with that...
Thoughts?

MyAndI posted 10/2/2020 17:06 PM

JBWD,

I thought about that and I work at giving her plenty reassurance that there's nothing at all to fear, and there isn't. But questioning her motivation would be hurtful to her don't you thinks?

JBWD posted 10/2/2020 19:03 PM

But questioning her motivation would be hurtful to her don't you thinks?

I don’t, TBH. But I also don’t know her. Do you think that it would offend her if you said
“Since X reached out to me, I notice it makes you uneasy (as it does me,) and I also noticed that we’re having more sex than average. Do you think those are connected?”

Your BW’s reaction proves that there’s something more here. And as such, I think the only thing more hurtful than asking her about it would be to have this nagging perception and let it go because “Why ruin a good thing if I’m getting mine?”

MrCleanSlate posted 10/5/2020 14:50 PM

MyAndl,

So how are things going these past few days?
Did you and your wife have a chance to talk?

MyAndI posted 10/5/2020 15:19 PM

Yes, MCS, Thanks

We've talked, and we have made a plan to deal with anything that comes our way with the new neighbor.

We had a very nice weekend.

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