LifeDestroyer posted 9/29/2020 19:35 PM

So, I posted this to my FB this weekend, the day after our divorce was finalized. That same day I had an online therapy session and told my therapist about this. I sent it to her after I posted it. It was definitely a HUGE step for me to be so open and vulnerable to people, especially ones I rarely speak to. Lots of female friends commented saying how they too felt the same thing or how they were thankful that they weren't the only ones who felt like this. I thought I would share it here since you all have seen my struggles for the past year.

This isn't easy to write. I feel ashamed, angry, sad, disappointed, and mostly at myself. If any of my words can help at least one woman, then I guess it's worth it.

I have been a mom for 6.5 years, and I have just now fallen in love with my daughter. It hurts to write that and acknowledge it, but it's my truth. I always wanted to be a mom. I thought I would be amazing at it because I loved kids. It didn't work like that. I got pregnant and didn't get to fully enjoy it like I see women on social media do. Then post partum hit me, and I didn't handle it at all. I didn't get the help I needed. I didn't reach out to N like I should have. I told myself that I had to be strong and nothing was wrong with me. Then my mom's cancer progressed and took her from us. I had to be strong. I couldn't let my daughter see me sad and broken. The lie of "I'm ok" grew and grew. The mask I wore my whole life was now glued to my face. N would try to peel it off, but I wouldn't let him. I couldn't be vulnerable. That wasn't ok.

My daughter takes after us so much, in that she is so stubborn and strong willed. I couldn't be strong with her. I let her tiny words and behavior affect me so much. I let them burrow into my head and make me think that I was an awful mom and she didn't deserve me as a mom. I let them skew how I perceived things. I have always loved my daughter and would do anything for her, but there was always this BUT. But she drives me insane. But she is so mean to me. But she disrespects me. But I don't deserve a daughter like her. But she deserves better. But she is just a child and I felt all of that. What is wrong with me? What kind of mom feels like that?

I wasn't strong like I kept telling myself. I was extremely weak and broken. I couldn't even be vulnerable with myself. I made horrible hurtful choices. I broke my family apart. N and I separated. We each lost time with our daughter. I missed her terribly and thought my relationship with her would get better. It was hard. I had my good days with her and then I had my bad days. I still thought she deserved a better mom. It's been a year of this back and forth, and with in the past few weeks, my feelings for her have changed.

All of a sudden I fell in love with my daughter. Again, I've always loved her and would do anything for her happiness, but this was a new feeling. I am so grateful that I work at the same school she does. I find myself sneaking over to her class just to look at her. I feel this immense pride to have her as my daughter. When she hugs me and gives me a kiss, I can feel my heart healing. When she's not with me, I miss her so much.

I know that N and I will do everything possible to make sure that she has a better childhood than we had. We will make sure that she will never have to see or hear or feel what we felt as kids. My therapist said that we both have this "badassery" when it comes to our daughter, and I couldn't agree more. It's so hard to be a parent. Society puts this pressure on mom's to be the best, to love your kid more than the next mom, to be the perfect mom, to never feel anything other than love towards your child. And if you are not all of those things, then you're a piece of shit mom. I won't let myself think that I am a piece of shit mom anymore because I'm not. I know that. I hope (dd) will know that too as she grows up.

If you read all of this, thank you for listening to me. This wasn't easy to type. I've always been the person who cared what others thought of her. If you're a parent/mom and feel any this, then tell society and all that pressure to go to hell. You're a good parent

apache posted 9/29/2020 19:51 PM

Nice post.

I see your growth and healing.

Be proud.

btdi posted 10/2/2020 12:42 PM

Duplicate post

[This message edited by btdi at 1:03 PM, October 2nd (Friday)]

btdi posted 10/2/2020 12:42 PM

Correct me if I am wrong but I remember one of your posts where you complained that your daughter disrespects you but not her father. In effect she complied with his wishes. Does that tell you anything ?

It triggered memories for me cos my kid was approximately 5-6 years old when the D happened. A couple of months after the D my mom showed me half torn photos.. my x. The kid had found the marriage album and torn out my x. After a few days, while playing with the kid, I casually asked about the "visitation". Kid was clear.. I go cos you ask me to go.

And x looking for redemption would parade newly discovered motherly love in front of family and friends. Facebook had not been invented yet. Same X who had chosen to leave the kid alone to meet AP. Child counselors were unknown.

Till today (my kid is 25) we carry the emotional scars. Wherever parents name is required, my kid started off with mentioning a disney villian, and follows it till today. At other times out it is left blank.

And yes.. kids know. Their friends hear it discussed at homes, they may snicker at the unfortunate kid. I had a kid tell the gang not to play with my kid bcos parent was bad. Luckily other kids stepped in and separated my kid from X. They refused to blame my kid for X 's transgressions.

I still agonize over the hurts my child had to go thru, the mental badge of dishonor that the kid internalised.

While looking for your redemption, please do not crucify your child.

[This message edited by btdi at 1:02 PM, October 2nd (Friday)]

brokenInDenver posted 10/2/2020 14:00 PM

i'm so pleased to read this post. Lately you've seemed so depressed and seeing this fills me with hope. in my opinion... you can never love your kids too much! Soak it in, you deserve it and so does your daughter.