So, I posted this to my FB this weekend, the day after our divorce was finalized. That same day I had an online therapy session and told my therapist about this. I sent it to her after I posted it. It was definitely a HUGE step for me to be so open and vulnerable to people, especially ones I rarely speak to. Lots of female friends commented saying how they too felt the same thing or how they were thankful that they weren't the only ones who felt like this. I thought I would share it here since you all have seen my struggles for the past year.
This isn't easy to write. I feel ashamed, angry, sad, disappointed, and mostly at myself. If any of my words can help at least one woman, then I guess it's worth it.
I have been a mom for 6.5 years, and I have just now fallen in love with my daughter. It hurts to write that and acknowledge it, but it's my truth. I always wanted to be a mom. I thought I would be amazing at it because I loved kids. It didn't work like that. I got pregnant and didn't get to fully enjoy it like I see women on social media do. Then post partum hit me, and I didn't handle it at all. I didn't get the help I needed. I didn't reach out to N like I should have. I told myself that I had to be strong and nothing was wrong with me. Then my mom's cancer progressed and took her from us. I had to be strong. I couldn't let my daughter see me sad and broken. The lie of "I'm ok" grew and grew. The mask I wore my whole life was now glued to my face. N would try to peel it off, but I wouldn't let him. I couldn't be vulnerable. That wasn't ok.
My daughter takes after us so much, in that she is so stubborn and strong willed. I couldn't be strong with her. I let her tiny words and behavior affect me so much. I let them burrow into my head and make me think that I was an awful mom and she didn't deserve me as a mom. I let them skew how I perceived things. I have always loved my daughter and would do anything for her, but there was always this BUT. But she drives me insane. But she is so mean to me. But she disrespects me. But I don't deserve a daughter like her. But she deserves better. But she is just a child and I felt all of that. What is wrong with me? What kind of mom feels like that?
I wasn't strong like I kept telling myself. I was extremely weak and broken. I couldn't even be vulnerable with myself. I made horrible hurtful choices. I broke my family apart. N and I separated. We each lost time with our daughter. I missed her terribly and thought my relationship with her would get better. It was hard. I had my good days with her and then I had my bad days. I still thought she deserved a better mom. It's been a year of this back and forth, and with in the past few weeks, my feelings for her have changed.
All of a sudden I fell in love with my daughter. Again, I've always loved her and would do anything for her happiness, but this was a new feeling. I am so grateful that I work at the same school she does. I find myself sneaking over to her class just to look at her. I feel this immense pride to have her as my daughter. When she hugs me and gives me a kiss, I can feel my heart healing. When she's not with me, I miss her so much.
I know that N and I will do everything possible to make sure that she has a better childhood than we had. We will make sure that she will never have to see or hear or feel what we felt as kids. My therapist said that we both have this "badassery" when it comes to our daughter, and I couldn't agree more. It's so hard to be a parent. Society puts this pressure on mom's to be the best, to love your kid more than the next mom, to be the perfect mom, to never feel anything other than love towards your child. And if you are not all of those things, then you're a piece of shit mom. I won't let myself think that I am a piece of shit mom anymore because I'm not. I know that. I hope (dd) will know that too as she grows up.
If you read all of this, thank you for listening to me. This wasn't easy to type. I've always been the person who cared what others thought of her. If you're a parent/mom and feel any this, then tell society and all that pressure to go to hell. You're a good parent