MyAndI posted 9/13/2020 15:17 PM

Story quick and Dirty.

Ws a BS long ago, things were glorious in R after a three-year struggle then I had an affair of my own a decade later; its been many years since. Now my high school/college sweetheart is moving from another city 10 doors up from me and BW is triggering, and I'm kind of unnerved too. We are in our 50's and in a very good place after the affairs, and the former high school love is calling me a lot asking about the neighborhood. I spoke with BW and told her all, we keep nothing from each other. She's says she's not worried about it but she's not a very good poker face, and she's asking me many questions that reveal she is triggering. The history on our common computer indicates BW has been searching this woman on the Internet. I told her we should have a plan to talk and a plan of action if she's not comfortable. I/we just don't need this after finally coming to a really good place after all these years. I will sell our house if I have to and move if BW wants, I want her to feel safe.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 10:46 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 9/13/2020 21:51 PM

I don't see why you should have to be run out of your home by the arrival of an ex, but you do need to set up rock solid boundaries. My H and I are madhatters, and I would want him to tell someone like her that while he was happy to give her some general information about the neighborhood, he and I have agreed to limit our personal contact with exes. I wouldn't wait for it to become a problem. She should be made aware that you won't be available to be her "local friend" and help her get established when she arrives. Unless she's harboring some fantasy intent, that shouldn't be a big deal to her. There are plenty of places online to get the information she's looking for.

Now, if an ex-AP were moving in, that would be a very different story. Then we might be looking at real estate listings.

MyAndI posted 9/14/2020 15:53 PM

Thanks, I would be edgy too if one of her old flames was moving in so close, and I mean close. They will be our neighbors that we can see going to their cars each day.

I don't think it would be an issue of both of us hadn't fallen from grace. My A was much longer than WW/BW, so any woman that comes around is going to trigger her.

I don't even really like my high school sweetheart, I mean if I wasn't married I'm not sure i'd even want to be friends with her. She's just not that interesting.

MyAndI posted 9/14/2020 19:37 PM

We've had no trust issues really for a long time now. But WW/BW has been texting me today a lot about stupid things. I think just to keep tabs on me like after my A. She asked tonight to look at my phone, which we haven't asked of each other for a long time now. She has NOTHING to worry about. We really came to a good place awhile ago, don't want to go back to insecurity and mistrust. I don't think I have the energy to give her constant reassurance, and the high school ex doesn't even move in until the end of October. I just.....

[This message edited by MyAndI at 7:37 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

leavingorbit posted 9/14/2020 20:17 PM

Hi, MyandI, welcome to SI and I’m sorry you’re here. My H and I are MHs as well. I wanted to ask for clarification on some things:

texting me today a lot about stupid things

What kind of things?

I don't think I have the energy to give her constant reassurance

Would you elaborate on this?

How far out are you? Did either of you do IC? MC? What were your wife’s whys? Yours?

I think there’s a lot of good help here, and there’s a thread for madhatters (WS/BS) in I Can Relate that’s been very informative for our healing.

[This message edited by leavingorbit at 8:21 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

MyAndI posted 9/15/2020 21:23 PM

Thanks LO for responding. Stupid things are things we don't normally text each other about like, "did you feed the dog" or "can you top off the tank on your way home." things I always do that she doesn't have to ask.

Yes, we did MC/IC. We've been happily reconciled for awhile now.

I/we are content, but I can tell she's a little creeped out. I reassure her and let her know we can talk anytime, but I was just hoping the trust we've gained with each other could take something like this. I must admit I might feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot. To add though, I actually met my wife through this woman in 1981, I was going to meet ex-high school love for a beer, just friends, and is where I met BW. I forgot to mention that.

I think my wife is triggering too, because my A was with one of her friends.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 9:25 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 9/16/2020 08:16 AM

MyAndl,

I get you gave a short background,

BUT

Why were you still in contact with this ex-flame from high school days???

And how did this ex-flame even know she was moving in 10 doors over???

leavingorbit posted 9/16/2020 09:30 AM

Thank you for your reply, MyandI. Another key question that I missed before is what kind of support are you hoping to receive here? I don’t want to assume from your post before I take any leaps.

MyAndI posted 9/16/2020 19:25 PM

MrCleanSlate,

We have crossed paths over the years and we have many friends in common, she contacted me and told me. Not hard for her to get my number, and she has always known where I live. I'm not hard to find.

MyAndI posted 9/16/2020 19:32 PM

LO,

Good question, I guess I don't know really. Sorry. I guess I kind of thought we were in kind of a retirement from infidelity, we've been really feeling safe and secure for a long time now. I don't want anything upsetting the good balance.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 8:33 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

Mickie500 posted 9/17/2020 08:22 AM

Not sure if a mad hatter can post here but I wanted to offer advice on what I would do-

I would put the high school sweetheart in contact with the wife. I’d simply say- “ Hey my wife is really good with stuff like this so call her.”

If she calls your wife can decide and then keep her at arm’s length.

Please let me know if madhatters are allowed to respond. If not please delete.

leavingorbit posted 9/18/2020 09:39 AM

Hey again, MyandI. I thought like you did, too. Why is this coming up now?? I mean, my husband was hurting over things that had happened fifteen years before, in high school. Now, after hopefully growing a bit, I have a different outlook. One of the big things we learned in MC is that security and safety takes work, that we learn new habits and strategies and turn in to the marriage. We develop empathy and see opportunities in that work instead of burdens, because love is about what we give vs what we get.

So I guess my question to you is, do you see this as an opportunity to get closer? To help, reassure? Or do you feel put upon? And I would encourage you to really think about your position, to be honest with yourself.

Also, I don’t think we ever retire from infidelity. Why would you want to? With healing, or not, it’s a part of the narrative. How big or present a part, I think depends on the healing. So, I’m sorry, I didn’t see an answer to my question before - in counseling, what were your whys and hows? Why did you feel cheating was a way to solve your problems? Why did your wife? Or was there rugsweeping?

Edited for clarification.

[This message edited by leavingorbit at 10:12 AM, September 18th (Friday)]

MyAndI posted 9/19/2020 10:37 AM

LO, we are getting closer and resolute in the last day or two, in dealing with the unexpected intrusion, and we both feel put upon. My wife's ea/pa was brief, mine lasted much longer, and there was talk about me divorcing and marrying OW. I think this is what triggers WW/BW. I did love OW, so NC was hard at first, I failed a few times. But I love my wife more and do not want anyone else in my/our life that could trigger my wife.

I never looked at cheating as a way to solve my problems. I just fell into it, a friend of me and my wife pursued me and a relationship bloomed, then sex. I never saw myself as a cheater, and I should have known better, seeing how much I was hurt by my wife's A. I'm not so much concerned about the why's anymore. I'm just focused on my marriage and and protecting it. Sorry if I'm not giving you the answers U want.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 10:38 AM, September 19th (Saturday)]