SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All! Keep up the good work and digging and self growth!

I wanted to come back here and share what I learned about myself, for those of you who may be in the same boat.

Often, if i posted a topic or idea and it wasn't liked or accepted (especially when i truly was acting wayward!), I would get totally defensive.

Crazy reaction, right?

Often I could later calm down and then think through things in a more logical way, and that opened up the door to people thinking that I had bipolar, bpd, all kinds of diagnosis. (Diagnoses?)

However, I DO have ADHD, and a lot of great stuff comes from that, but there are also some great difficulties as well, one of them being Rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is an extreme reaction to feeling rejected. Imagine that, someone who was cheated on (Hi) feeling rejected, and then in the rest of life, always feeling rejected too. Fun stuff right there.

Then if you are a wayward (hi again), and trying, but not quite getting it yet, you are attacked - or so it feels. Ok some posters can be mean, but many people are just trying to help.

ANYWAY, IF you have ADHD, check out what RSD is and looks like. Medicine does calm me down, but knowing that this is more of a me perceiving things incorrectly thing, rather than a true life rejection event, has helped my self esteem. It's hard, but worth looking into.

Lots of love to all here!

Just wanted to say I'm in the same boat. ADHD, RSD and potential borderline personality... and depression and anxiety. And a partridge in a pear tree...

If you study up on BPD, there's a lot of ADHD, RSD comorbidities... hard to see if RSD is a symptom or cause of borderline). ADHD is just another fun raisin in the pudding at this point.

Yes there is! But also a lot of undiagnosed adult adhd'ers out there. I wonder at the number of misdiagnoses and incorrect medications out there.

But for here, and in the rest of my life, I do not take criticism well at all, AT FIRST. And since this is sort of the place to share your worst behaviors, it may be helpful to post, and then re-frame your head space around the idea of how to not take it personally. Something, I admit, is damn near impossible at first!

Anyway, this helped me recently, and would have helped me in the past, so here it is!

(And darn that stop sign. I never remember that one.)

God, it's been a long road. Is there anyone out there who ever has had any acceptance or found anyone who can love them in spite of their failings with these problems?

Hubby never wanted any of this- any of the mental illness, the childhood abuse, the RSD, any of it. He doesn't have any of it, and he doesn't deserve to be weighed down by it.

Been a rough year.

MrKate seems to accept me and my flaws, so if there is one, there is many!

On the flip side, I have to accept his. We both come with the most amazing baggage!

Plus, I can understand my kids better now that I know these things and be a better advocate.

What helped us is to learn about the other. Not even kidding, when we were dealing with his infidelity and I got diagnosed, we read about adhd. He put the book down and said, "you know, a lot of people get divorced over this stuff!"

I didn't say anything, but if looks could kill!

Although, in all seriousness, we used to fight a lot about him *thinking* I intentionally didn't do things. After learning that I'm just wired in a funky way, and that's one of the down sides, it became a running joke, rather than an anger inducing thing. Of equal importance is to name the positives as well!! I can multitask or hyperfocus to be fantastically productive like no other! (Ok, I'm sure I'm not the best, but for the sake of my pretty frail ego, I'm going to be the best in this post, lol!)

Thanks for sharing about RSD. I didn't know there was a definition for what I've lived with for what seems like forever.

I even lied to the gas station clerk last night and it makes no sense.

I walked in, he complimented my shirt, and forgot why I was there.

I told him "I don't remember what I came in for"

He said, oh are you that high hahaha?

No, I said.

Oh just tired then?

I'm extremely tired, haven't slept more than an hour or two a night this last week until last night.

I had this flush in my head of embarrassment and not wanting to appear as someone who gets tired.

I lied and said "not tired, just thinking about my shirt, you're the first person to notice it"

And that was the second lie, right after I said that, I remembered a coworker liked my shirt earlier that day.

This is ridiculous

Is there anyone out there who ever has had any acceptance or found anyone who can love them in spite of their failings with these problems?

I’ve found a lot of people who thought I’d be different with THEM.

Another thing related to ADHD... consistence vs. persistence.

I have trouble remaining consistent in my efforts and usually beat myself down for this (parents and sisters voices in my head calling me a failure or telling me that it's my fault that I'm not a more popular kid or better student in school...). Anyway, I was listening to a podcast which is quite good: "I Have ADHD" if you want to google it. The gal was talking about how she would beat herself down because she wasn't consistent in her efforts. She shared that her coach redirected her to persistence. The ability to dust yourself off, get back up and keep going anyway.

Anyhow, I suppose us ADHD'ers have to learn how to persist because we're not consistent.

It's funny, the more "coping strategies" I hear about ADHD and depression the more I see that I had built them up the hard way- by myself, alone and without input- since I was a child. My parents had me diagnosed ADD as a child, but the case was "moderate" because I wasn't hyper and disruptive like many boys are (although I was a talker...). So, no meds for me, no therapy, no extra structure or help in school. Instead I got blamed for my struggles, blamed for my mood swings (ADHD amplifies emotional response and sensitivity) and no real coping techniques taught to manage time and emotion.

At least going forward, I'm able to transmit the hard lessons I've had to learn alone to my kids and get them the support they need (IEP and accommodations in school) and teach them the emotional management techniques that I had to struggle to learn. My IC is amazing and I'm learning a lot about re-framing from her and learning to pass that to my son who suffers the most from all this.

I refuse to raise my kids in an environment where they think their differences make them deficient and are expected to cope with them alone.

I've also refused to raise my children in an environment where disrespecting their siblings is accepted and allowed. Where picking on their sibling is not corrected and they're not penalized for neglecting to be their siblings keeper. So far so good. We have our days/ moments, but they're able to recover and genuinely enjoy each other's company most times. Phew. Corrected that generational "sin" at least.

Anyway, just some more thoughts as I'm doing work on these challenges.