I confessed to BS on 8-30-20 that I had
engaged in an EA lasting ~ 1 week? about 3 months ago.
I had installed the discord app for a social connection with a hobby group that hadn't been able to meet due to covid.
A couple days later I started looking for P oriented groups specific to edging.
After a couple days on a group I sought out, another user contacted me by DM to compliment me on images I was sharing in the public photo channel. We exchanged messages of encouragement and compliments and P photos.
The next day they contacted me again and I told them I was in public and waiting to go to an appointment. They showed interest in me and what I was doing and gave compliments and I felt like I was desired.
It felt like what I later learned to be called catfishing.
We exchanged conversations for almost a week. I felt excited but also psychically drained and a bit 'less than' afterwards. Like the lovebombing was strong, then started slipping until I was pursuing more.
I hit a low and wanted to die. I posted something about this on the public channel, then deleted it after a minute or two, feeling ashamed and exposed and desperate and weak.
Another member saw my message before I deleted it and DMd me with support.
I told them what was going on and they said it seemed toxic to them, and encouraged me to end things with this person and focus on my wife. They gave me support and got me focusing on being a better man to my wife. I blocked the EA person. I continued to share on the public channel, photos and started making captioned P images.
Users started giving positive feedback and asking if I did custom captions. I felt excited to edit P photos and make things that others seemed to enjoy, I felt like I was of use and appreciatedzd, and it was somewhat artistic.
I stopped engaging in other hobbies and was on my phone often when at home, making captions. I dove in to it.
Anyway, the person I had the EA with popped up with a new account, slightly different user name and same avatar.
I saw them posting right after my posts.
I felt like it was a trap, and I also felt this drop in esteem and I remembered that I had felt good at times when talking with them. I messaged them and told them I was sorry for the ghosting, that it wasn't them, it was me, and that I was starting to catch feelings and needed to step back.
They acted as though they had no clue I had blocked them, said they had taken a break and deleted their old account.
They said they had feelings too. We chatted throughout that day a bit, and I realized I was sitting in my car late at night when I should be home with my wife.
I ended the conversation, drove home, and then blocked them when they messaged me again late that night.
I stuck to it this time.
I focused back on my wife and I knew it was messing with her having me in the home with her, but not present. I made efforts to be fully present and focus on us.
She knows me so well, she asked me what was up, if I had an opportunity to cheat, or what? I lied to her and told her only the half that made me look good, and told her about the user who had been encouraging me to focus on her and be her king.
I brushed it under the rug and rationalized to my self that it wouldn't happen again, and it was probably a dude trying to set me up, and that it wasn't cheating because it was anonymous and through P pics and gifs. I lied to myself and to my wife.
Another user posted a challenge to go without an O for days equal to age. I decided to try this and see if I could quit P once and for all. I begsn attending SAA video conference meetings.
I was doing decent until I relapsed and started edging to P again. I stopped attending the SAA calls because I felt like a fake.
It was strange, going without O, and being so wired. I began opening up to my wife, and exposing my fears and insecurities about myself, I had told her about this challenge and she took interest and had decided she was going to try to make me fail.
I was getting attention from her that I always desired and things were going insanely awesome. Like, most open communication and bonding in years.
After S, I had a release of emotion.
I cried, sobbing in her arms, like I haven't cried in 20 years, and never cried like that in front of her before.
She told me nothing I could do would ever scare her away and reassured me that she accepted me flaws and demons and all.
I opened up and trusted, and confessed to her about the flashbacks I was having, from when I was black out drunk age 14 and stuff happened to me. She didn't reject me. I wasn't able to suppress these flashes any more with P, my coping methods were failing, and I got ahold of a sex assault victim advocacy group through RAINN. I've been in IC for that just a couple weeks now after going through screening and counselor pairing, etc.
I continued to not have O, and continued to be open with my wife and things were awesome. I confessed to her about the EA.
It hurt her deeply, obviously. She was in shock that day and played friendly, she admitted to me the next day.
My years of suppressing and lying to myself and to her have really messed me up and messed her up.
I started trying to figure this out, I said goodbye to the P server on discord, and deleted it from my phone in front of her and my laptop, to show her my commitment.
I started researching and seeking help on reddit and learned more about what this is and saw TT. Researching that, things I've surpassed for years started hitting me, and I decided to tell her the truth about it.
I visited a massage place on 3 separate occasions about 4~5 years ago and got hand stuff.
I called her from work the next day and asked her if she would prefer to have the bandaid pulled off quickly or slowly regarding our relationship. She told me she was already hurting just tell her. So I did.
What I did, by cheating and deceiving and lying is tremendously destructive to her, to us. We don't really have anywhere else to go physically, so we're in separate bedrooms, we talk a little bit here and there, we sob and cry all the time, and I'm trying to apply everything I'm learning to give her space and be honest and express to her how I feel. I'm not sure where things will go. I'm taking care around the house more so she can have a better environment and not have to worry about things, and I'm answering questions the few times she's asked, she's still in the explosion, I am too.
I came home from work after telling her about my cheating and lying regarding the massages, with full intention of ending things for real this time, but she had the day off and I didn't realize (her schedule shifts around)
I wasn't going to do it with her around. Her pain hit me hard and my focus shifted to trying to fix things, not exit.
Now I'm just kinda in this spot where I don't know what is going to happen, and trying to support her when she seeks that from me, and be honest and hear her.
I want the best for her, whatever that may be. I ruined this, broke it, broke her, I was selfish and cruel. I'm trying to figure this out and fix me instead of trying to get a fix for me, or escape into a fantasy where I delude myself.
I'm trying to minimize damage to her as much as I can, while being available and honest and present when she wants that, and respecting her need for privacy.
I'm new at this and making mistakes but I'm trying and hopefully I can help her get to wherever is best for her.
Also I haven't told my BS about the S stuff because I don't want to manipulate or coerce them into staying to keep me alive. I've been calling crisis hotlines everyday and just taking it moment by moment.
I asked if there was anything she needed from me right now and she said just time.
I'm going to sit with that.
I think she's willing to work to reconcile, like there's been small things she's said, like when I suggested MC and she said that sounds like a good start.
Other people told me get IC for both of us before MC. Talked to BS about that, but I don't know if she's willing or able to see somebody right now, or maybe ever? She tends to shut down and close off from emotion.
[This message edited by RandomName at 4:26 AM, September 3rd (Thursday)]