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Pregnancy after the affair?

Shttrdshtpll posted 8/29/2020 12:18 PM

Anybody have experience with this? This wife and I are MHs, and almost three months out from the D-Days. We found out a few weeks ago that she was pregnant. We really aren't sure what to do, I know that she hasn't seen her AP since April, and the odds that it's mine are very high (If we don't decide to abort, there will definitely be a paternity test, .

Between being in limbo as far as R or D goes, and this close to everything, we've been considering an abortion. We still have a while to make up our minds before we hit a self imposed deadline. We already have a 18 month old, and raising her while dealing with the infidelities, and R or D is going to be hard enough.

We've hit a point where we aren't sure what's best, and both of waffle between stances. Keeping the pregnancy contingent on R, keeping it regardless, adoption, adoption if we D, abortion no matter whatÖ
Anyone have experience with this? Advice for co-parenting a newborn as divorcees? Advice for dealing with a pregnancy during R, or during limbo?

nekonamida posted 8/29/2020 12:39 PM

How committed are you both to R? Did you get proof of NC with her LTA OM? Do you both have access to each other's phones, email, social media accounts, etc.? Are you each individually in IC? I'd say if you're lacking any of the above, then R isn't happening and you may want to make a decision based on the likelihood of D. Whatever that decision is is up to you but R is hard enough with two exemplary, committed individuals. It's impossible when either one of you is not 110% committed to it and doing everything you can to fix yourself, heal, and create a healthy marriage.

Shttrdshtpll posted 8/29/2020 13:11 PM

How committed are you both to R?

I'm not, yet. Not sure if I want R right now. My wife is very committed to R, though. She has made it clear that R is her preferred outcome. I've been leaning towards R, but I'm not at that point yet. If I do get to that point, I will be committed to it.


Did you get proof of NC with her LTA OM? Do you both have access to each other's phones, email, social media accounts, etc.? Are you each individually in IC?

Yes to all of that.


you may want to make a decision based on the likelihood of D.

Unfortunately we're discussing and considering all the same options. The odds on them are slightly different in R vs D, but thanks to our views and state we still have three more weeks until our hands are forced into... a coin flip or something else equally stupid if we can't figure it out, or one of us isn't firm enough on something.

ff4152 posted 8/29/2020 13:49 PM

Iíll just throw this out there. Do you think either of you will have the emotional wherewithal to deal with a newborn regardless of which path you choose? You already have one child who you need to focus on. IMO bringing another into the mix is probably not going to help the situation either way.

nekonamida posted 8/29/2020 17:00 PM

I'd also like to point out that I've heard SIers in this situation say that a new baby puts everything on hold for a while. So R gets put on hold and those who were thinking about S/D also have to put that on hold. There is just not enough time and energy to devote to anything outside of the new baby. That could be fine though if there's nothing absolutely pressing in your mind that needs to be worked out.

How long ago did your MHW end her A? Was stress/depression a factor? Did she have PPD with your DD? Have your confirmed how far along your MHW is? You might want to because depending on that, abortion may no longer be an option anyways.

Shttrdshtpll posted 8/29/2020 18:54 PM

Iíll just throw this out there. Do you think either of you will have the emotional wherewithal to deal with a newborn regardless of which path you choose? You already have one child who you need to focus on. IMO bringing another into the mix is probably not going to help the situation either way.

No fucking clue. Wish we knew or had some semblance of a guess.


I'd also like to point out that I've heard SIers in this situation say that a new baby puts everything on hold for a while. So R gets put on hold and those who were thinking about S/D also have to put that on hold. There is just not enough time and energy to devote to anything outside of the new baby. That could be fine though if there's nothing absolutely pressing in your mind that needs to be worked out.

The only things to work on at the moment is ourselves and our communication. That said, putting things on hold would be fine with me. I know that I'm only three months out, but I frankly still don't know what I want and not thinking about it for a while might be the thing to give me some clarity.


How long ago did your MHW end her A? Was stress/depression a factor? Did she have PPD with your DD? Have your confirmed how far along your MHW is? You might want to because depending on that, abortion may no longer be an option anyways.

Last week of May. In ending her A? No, that was mostly guilt (and maybe remorse, jury still out on that one). In starting her A? No. In maintaining her A during the pregnancy and after? Yeah. Looking back, she probably was suffering from PPD, which went untreated. The date is confirmed, it was in the first week after we started co-habituating again and I got hit hard with hysterical bonding.

Our state doesn't have any legal restrictions on abortion, so it comes down to the doctors/clinic/hospital policies. That said though, we picked a reasonable deadline so that if we decide to get an abortion, it shouldn't be too hard to get one.

oldtruck posted 8/29/2020 19:46 PM

cannot make a clear decision without confirming who is the
bio dad.

a DNA paternity test is must.

Shttrdshtpll posted 8/30/2020 13:13 PM

cannot make a clear decision without confirming who is the
bio dad.
a DNA paternity test is must.

There's the trouble. There's two in there, so a non-invasive paternity test is out. There a few other methods, but they are invasive and usually used to diagnose moderate to serious problems with a pregnancy. Because they come with a risk of miscarriage.

The above said, I am preferring to trust my wife for the time being, considering her AP. A man so riddled with life-threatening genetic anomalies that his very existence at this point in his is a statistical miracle. Plus I do have a nearly two year old email where my wife says that if she thought that our daughter (whom she was pregnant with at that time) was his, or that there was even an inkling of a chance she would be getting an abortion, not posting on facebook about the pregnancy.

nekonamida posted 8/30/2020 16:43 PM

Are you saying she might have twins? If so, please read online about people's experiences raising twins because it is FAR FAR more difficult than one baby. PPD will almost certainly be guaranteed if she had it before. Twins in limbo/early R is whole different ball game.

Since there is a slight chance that you are not the father, see a lawyer right now and figure out what the laws are regarding their paternity post birth. Most places will automatically assume that you are the father and put you on the birth certificate because you are married. It's rare but there are cases in which paternity is later contested, it's proven that the husband is not the father, everything is done relatively soon after birth, and yet a judge still ruled him as responsible for the child so be very careful and cover your bases legally if you do decide to proceed with the pregnancy.

Shttrdshtpll posted 8/30/2020 19:12 PM

Are you saying she might have twins? If so, please read online about people's experiences raising twins because it is FAR FAR more difficult than one baby. PPD will almost certainly be guaranteed if she had it before. Twins in limbo/early R is whole different ball game.

Either that, or somehow the embryo has two functioning hearts. We've only some cursory reading, but at this point, we get that if we go through with it, it'll be exponentially more work.


Since there is a slight chance that you are not the father, see a lawyer right now and figure out what the laws are regarding their paternity post birth. Most places will automatically assume that you are the father and put you on the birth certificate because you are married. It's rare but there are cases in which paternity is later contested, it's proven that the husband is not the father, everything is done relatively soon after birth, and yet a judge still ruled him as responsible for the child so be very careful and cover your bases legally if you do decide to proceed with the pregnancy.

I will actually do that. A quick check has shown that our county assumes, and requires specific legal conditions to change a listed father. And challenging it if you were married at any point during the pregnancy looks like a minefield.

deena04 posted 8/30/2020 23:13 PM

As someone who did have children post-affair and did end up divorcing after the fact, I do not, not, not regret my kids. I regret their father being a douche bag. I am not telling you what to do, but I am saying that it turned out OK for me.

Louisianalisa posted 8/31/2020 06:26 AM

Shttrdshtpll, I understand the timing of their conception is very inconvenient and stressful for you both. Gently, perhaps consider that there is a bigger picture to look at here, and a bigger plan going on; an important purpose for this pregnancy and those two beating hearts.

Even if they are given up for adoption, you'll at least know you gave these two babies a chance to grow up and live their lives. I know several happy, wonderful couples struggling with infertility who would step up to adopt them in an instant.

Regardless of what you and your wife decide to do regarding your marriage, and whether you raise them or give them up for adoption, you will never regret giving these two children a chance to grow up and live their lives. Gently, I know you can't ask them, but if you could, I think this is what they would want.

My thoughts are with you and your wife.

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 6:30 AM, August 31st (Monday)]

Tentwinkletoes posted 8/31/2020 14:22 PM

I would just be wary of the pain or trauma associated with having an abortion.

Both paths are potentially traumatic to both of you whether R or D.

I think its having to go with the heart a bit here. But perhaps its easier to think that knowing as the mum I would get go keeo both babies with me should be separate. I guess another aspect is what would D look like in regards to access to the children? That also could be traumatic.

Shttrdshtpll posted 8/31/2020 19:05 PM

I do not, not, not regret my kids.

Regret is not really our big concern, at the moment. We already have one kid, and her welfare is our priority, then our relationship. Our concern is just how having two more kids during limbo will affect everything. Will increase the odds of either of making a choice in our relationship that we'll regret (like R or D)? The absolute worst scenario is that this pushes us (me specifically sine my wife already is firmly set on R) into either R or D when the other option is the healthier choice for ourselves, and the child we already have.



Even if they are given up for adoption, you'll at least know you gave these two babies a chance to grow up and live their lives. I know several happy, wonderful couples struggling with infertility who would step up to adopt them in an instant.

To be perfectly honest, this is the least likely option. We both are pretty confident that this route would be the hardest for us, and probably lead to long term resentment. The route of the greatest trauma. But it still takes the lead sometimes in the free -for-all decision-making that is predominating the both of us.

I would just be wary of the pain or trauma associated with having an abortion.
Both paths are potentially traumatic to both of you whether R or D.

I think its having to go with the heart a bit here. But perhaps its easier to think that knowing as the mum I would get go keeo both babies with me should be separate. I guess another aspect is what would D look like in regards to access to the children? That also could be traumatic.

It's just one gigantic maze of trauma. Honestly, we're basically trying to figure out what will be the least amount of trauma. Usually we're both on separate sides, and even when we are both thinking the same thing, we usually are waffling within a day. Either of us rarely can maintain an opinion for more than two days.

oldtruck posted 8/31/2020 21:39 PM

mandatory paternity test before any decisions are made

Shttrdshtpll posted 8/31/2020 22:13 PM

mandatory paternity test before any decisions are made

Again, that's not really an option without the risk of miscarriage (because twins make a non-invasive impossible). So far, my wife has not lied to me. So far.
For a month after D-Day she was crashing at friend's place. This friend is a mutual friend, and a complete shut in. So I have a record of her comings and goings, and have access to all of her accounts. There was one e-mail from her AP, using a new e-mail address. There are witnesses to confirm that she never responded to it. There have been no phone calls or texts to unknown numbers, and every contact in her phone is known to me.
Yeah, if she wanted to, really wanted to, she could have jumped through dozens of hoops to meet with her AP. It is unlikely.
In addition, as I posted above, her AP has horrid genetics and she already told (when she got pregnant with our daughter) that if she thought it was his, she would have aborted. He has the equivalent of three ticking time bombs in his lungs, brain, and liver. Any of which can be fatal at any point.

So the twins are most likely mine. That aside, my wife knows that if we go through with the pregnancy there will be two paternity tests (its rare, but there are cases of fraternal twins with different fathers). She also knows that if a paternity test comes back negative, it's game over for the marriage, and she (says, at least, that she) is all in on R.

If she experiences certain complications, there are tests they do by extracting DNA from the amniotic sac and placenta. If this situation arises where they already performing the harvesting, there will a paternity test beforehand, otherwise it will have to wait until after the birth.

MIgander posted 9/2/2020 09:04 AM

Just a question, since you're already eating 2 shit sandwiches right now (per one of your earlier posts), would you really like to add the shit sandwich of having to grieve the loss of not one, but 2 lives?

Even if you believe the abortion is the least inconvenient option right now while you're dealing with the trauma of your affairs, adding the trauma of abortion to your situation will surely increase your distress. It will only add all the what ifs and guilt that will eventually come with it. Our instincts are hard wired to protect/nurture the life we bring into the world. There will be a long physical and hormonal recovery for your wife. An interrupted pregnancy means she falls off a progesterone cliff after the removal of the parts. It could very well put her into a deeper depression than having the babies and getting on an SSRI right after birth. There will be mourning of a great loss in addition to your pain and suffering with the affair. There will be what ifs and regrets.

Twins are difficult all around. My mom had my sisters first- twins- and her mom came and stayed and then my dad's mom came and stayed. She had help the first 2 months until they were sleeping a good 4-5 hours straight a night. They synchronized feedings/changings/naps, EVERYTHING. Plus with the twins, my mom told me they were so in touch with each other from sharing a womb and being identical, that they would soothe each other and sleep always touching each other as infants.

Is there any way you could do a separation after the birth? You stay with your daughter and your wife live with her parents the first 2-3 months? That way she will have support and comfort of her family and you will be able to care for and give attention to your daughter. It may ease the burden too of your recovery and help provide some emotional distance for both of you to contemplate your marriage going forward.

It will be difficult, but it can be done. Chances are, if you are open to the separation after birth, her parents will be supportive- those are their grandbabies too after all.

I'll be praying for you all in this. The first year with the twins will suck in many ways, but there is so much joy that comes with watching babies grow and discover the world, that it really could interject some hope and healing in this time for you.

Wishing you all the best.

Bleu posted 10/1/2020 20:22 PM

Anyone have experience with this?

There was no question of paternity as I was the BW. Yet, we had a pregnancy after the affair. I wanted 2 children close together so that was the plan . . . until the first child arrived and he had an affair. I also wanted my children to have the same father.

How many children did you plan to have? How far apart?

Advice for co-parenting a newborn as divorcees?

Small children delayed the divorce. It was difficult for me to live in an unresolved situation.

Advice for dealing with a pregnancy during R, or during limbo?

One of my regrets is that he took so much of my time with arguments. I should have been reveling in the chaos of having 2 young children instead of dealing wth foolishness.

The situation was compounded in ways that I couldn't comprehend.

I love my children, yet I don't recommend bringing another child into strife.

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