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Why did I cheat just to break my own heart?

NeverEnough28 posted 8/26/2020 16:37 PM

I'm miserable without him, and he's happier without me. I had a good life. Why did I ruin it? I just can't find a reason as to why I destroyed everything I had. I feel like I'm walking around with a mask on, faking it until I can go home and just drown in my pain. He's living a better life without me and I just feel like I was nothing but a burden to him.

I don't know how much longer I can do this.

maise posted 8/26/2020 17:22 PM

I'm walking around with a mask on, faking it until I can go home and just drown in my pain.

This is what you need to address. The masks, the fake-ness that allows you to be capable of deception. Address your pain and become someone thatís real, that shows up for you so that you can show up for someone else. You canít help bring something to the table for someone else until you learn to do it for yourself first. You cheated, a part of you was ok with this. A part of you allowed this. A part of you didnít have standards within yourself to stop. You were desperate for something, and that desperation was so great that going thru with cheating was worth it. You have to figure out what this is. A therapist can help you tap into this part of yourself.

Thumos posted 8/26/2020 19:09 PM

I'm miserable without him, and he's happier without me. I had a good life. Why did I ruin it? I just can't find a reason as to why I destroyed everything I had. I feel like I'm walking around with a mask on, faking it until I can go home and just drown in my pain. He's living a better life without me and I just feel like I was nothing but a burden to him.

Iím sorry this happened. I think my WW has some of the same thoughts altho we arenít yet divorced. I told her earlier this month I want a divorce. I would recommend to you what Iíve urged her to do which is to spend some time really trying to figure this out.

nekonamida posted 8/27/2020 10:43 AM

NE, please get an IC. Please reach out to an advocacy for sexual abuse survivors. It's not even clear if you even belong on the WS forum. Please take care of yourself and stop blaming yourself for your assault and your WH's cold behavior towards finding out about your victimization.

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