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5 months later, still in shock

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Gibraltar posted 8/20/2020 10:04 AM

Last night I asked her if she would do the polygraph test and got defensive about it. She agreed but said that if i put her throuh that then we would be over. I am currently very calmly trying to figure out my next move.

If she told you this then you know that your marriage is already over! I would save the money being spent on counselling and polygraphs and go straight to divorce. There is no salvaging this.

survrus posted 8/20/2020 10:10 AM

Jay,

You wrote, I spiral I find myself asking the same questions I've asked 100 times. At times i feel like im pushing my WW away and other times idgaf.

You have the right to ask as many times as you like however if you are more strategic about it you might want to time you questions. That way you can see how her answers vary when she forgets which lie she told you last time you asked.

If she refuses the polygraph then you don't have a marriage.

Did you do data recovery on messages, interview/confront the OM etc?

Brew3x posted 8/20/2020 10:17 AM

I want to be with her but I am pissed and not sure if I will get passed

Hey man,
Iím just about a year out and still feel this way most of the time. I want to R but Iím fearful that my WW and I wonít be able to get there. when I first got here people told me to focus on myself and what I wanted, it was hard for me figure out what they meant. Iím just starting to to figure it out and Iím doing thimsg that I know are right for me and build my life and confidence. Figure out what you want to go for it but donít be concerned about the outcome if you focus on healing you will have the strength to get through this regardless of the result.

My WWís AP was her personal trainer so I know how hard it can be to deal with the thoughts of how this person could be more attractive than you. Just work on your confidence and try to forget about him, he a DB with no moral compass and you can be better than him.
Stay strong and continue to move forward.

gr8ful posted 8/20/2020 11:14 AM

I've had to put the polygraph idea on the back burner for the moment due to financial issues. I did not realize how expensive it was but as soon as i am able to i will be there.

Insist that SHE comes up with the money for the poly. She needs to experience HELPFUL consequences for her betrayal. This would just be one of them. If she doesnít have any of her ďown moneyĒ then INSIST she go to her family, TELL THEM WHAT SHE DID and then beg them for money to pay for the poly.

Actually, she needs to confess to your family and her family if you even want to consider the POSSIBILITY of R. This is NOT punishment. This is critical for both her and you. This (may) help her family hold her accountable and more importantly get you (hopefully) more support from your families, b/c you need it.

If she refuses any of this, you have your answer. Straight to D.

Jaybee2020 posted 8/21/2020 09:45 AM

Quick update:

So is definitely down to do the polygraph test. Even offered to pay for it, admits to me that she is not happy about it but willing to do it.

I called and got several quotes around my area and they are about 400-800 bucks and only allow 3-4 questions. I live in AZ, is that pretty standard? Also, what should I look for so I don't get a "phony" one?

These follow up i keep posting, should I put them in a different forum?

SlapNutsABingo posted 8/21/2020 09:50 AM

she is not happy about it

Not the attitude of someone who's only goal should be your healing...

Stevesn posted 8/21/2020 10:11 AM

I suggest continue to post on this thread so people donít need to jump from thread to thread to understand what is happing with you.

That sounds standard cost and number of questions. I think we see closer to $400 quoted here often but have seen higher as well.

I think you do need to have a discussion with your WW about understanding what remorse really is. Her not being happy with having to do a Poly should fall directly back on herself.

To me Iíd clearly make her understand that if she blames you for any ramifications one but you will know that she is not interested in doing everything she can to rebuild what her actions destroyed. That will signify to you that she doesnít care about the impact her affair had on you and indicate she doesnít love you enough to work on fixing this for the rest of your lives.

You need to honestly and clearly communicate that every chance you get.

Go read the Wayward Side forum here if you want to see what truly remorseful wayward spouses sound like and the actions they more than willingly take.

KingofNothing posted 8/21/2020 10:46 AM

Polygraphs in Arizona:

Jaybee, go to Yelp. Search for: "Ten Best Polygraph Test in Arizona". There's a nice article on the subject with links to the "best of the best" in the state.

beenthereinco posted 8/21/2020 11:02 AM

JB,
A good examiner will help you come up with the questions that you should ask that give you the most unambiguous results. What you need first is a base from your WW of what has happened so you can ask questions against that base. She needs to write out a timeline that tells you exactly what she did, when, how often, etc. The why doesn't have to be a part of this timeline, I'm not sure that motive would translate well to a polygraph any way. You just need the mechanics of it.

Then you ask questions based upon the timeline. You will probably learn some new things from the timeline and she may revise it right before the polygraph. You can then follow through with the poly. Two questions for her I would think are:

1. You have said that you only had PIV sex with the OM one time. Is this true?
2. In the time that you and JB have been together, other than the current OM, have you had a sexual relationship with another man?

Bigger posted 8/21/2020 11:36 AM

JB

I think polygraphs can be an essential and important tool in dealing with infidelity. However, I think they have a time, a place and a purpose and frankly right now I donít think you are there yet.

There is an old riddle that IMHO describes the purpose of a poly quite well. Imagine you walk through a forest and come to a fork in the road. One road leads you to certain death, the other to safety. There is a gnome at the fork who on alternate days can only tell the truth or only tell lies. How do you learn which road to take?
If you ask him what road leads to safety and he says the left one Ė is he telling the truth or is he lying?
The solution is easy and obvious once you hear it:
Ask the gnome from what direction you just arrived.

Since he can either only tell the truth or lie then if he points down the road you just came along, heís telling the truth. Next question is which road leads to safety. If he can only lie, he will point at either road ahead because heís lying. Next question is then what road leads to safety and take the opposite one.

This is the purpose of a polygraph IMHO. Itís more to confirm the truths you think you have than to find new truths. If you can confirm truths, then you can better assume other aspects of her story are true Ė or if she fails then that she is still hiding something.


My suggestion on how to move on would be something like this:
Make it clear to her that if possible, you would want to reconcile BUT that you have realized that divorce wouldnít be the worst outcome. Even worse would be realizing you were sharing her in any way or form with another man. Tell her that you would want to do the work required to try reconciliation, but no matter how much you might want it then itís totally dependent on the work you both put into it.

Tell her that if she wants to divorce then thatís OK. Not what you want, but there are procedures and laws in place that ensure you two will get out of this marriage in an OK way. If she has doubts about the marriage and isnít willing to commit, then you are OK with a divorce since it beats the option of sharing her with someone else.

Tell her that you have been reading and researching about reconciliation and one 100% requirement is truth.

Tell her the problem with truth is that the first thing that goes out the window is trust. That goes both ways: You donít trust her because she broke that trust by cheating. She doesnít trust you with the truth because she (a) thinks it will hurt you and (b) fears it will end the marriage.
Make her this offer:
She tells you the absolute truth. She can give you a verbal or written outline. You can sit side-by-side or back to back Ė whatever is best for you two Ė and she tells you what happened and answers all your questions.
[You in turn need to understand the difference between questions needed to heal and questions asked to hurtÖ]
You tell her that this might have to be revisited, but for maybe the next week you two focus on TRUTH.
In return you promise that no matter what she says or tells you then you will remain committed to reconciling. No decision to divorce and/or no action to divorce in the next 6 weeks.
Point out that this is a commitment and trust exercise. If she expects you to trust her not to be still in an affair or cheating again then she has to show you this trust by telling the truth.

Also tell her that your online reading shows that big truths NOW cause less damage than smaller revelations later. Like if you learn she met him 5x instead of 2x NOW that would do less damage than learning 6 months from now that he sent her flowers. The reason being that the later discovery shows she doesnít trust you.

You can also tell her that later on Ė maybe after some weeks Ė once you both think the truth is out there you will have her do a poly.
That poly will be a watershed moment. If sheís told you the truth and passes it shows you she trusts you. It creates a basis for you to rebuild trust. If she failsÖ wellÖ it letís you know that you donít have what it takes to reconcile.


The purpose of a poly IMHO is not really to get the truth. Itís more to confirm or refute whether you have the truth already.


jb3199 posted 8/21/2020 14:08 PM

The purpose of a poly IMHO is not really to get the truth. Itís more to confirm or refute whether you have the truth already.

This has always been my belief as well. I believe it is a far better tool to reestablish trust than it is for a method of interrogation. I'm not saying that you or the other posters are wrong, but make sure you ask yourself if you BELIEVE THAT YOU will start to build trust with her on the results of a passed polygraph. If not, then perhaps you are not ready.....yet.

Jaybee2020 posted 8/23/2020 10:57 AM

I am just struggling like most of you. This whole thing sucks. From feeling like on top of the hill you built to being lower than shit. I do my best to not spiral or to make let my mind wander but it is really hard.

I love my wife but man are my insecurities off the wall like never before. She claims that she broke it off but at times i feel like her AP just lost interest.

I wake up sometimes wondering why I even bother to move around. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness takes over. I sometimes wish she hadn't told me, as she could've gotten away from it, but then I feel stupid for thinking that lol.

Random vent I know, woke up feeling a certain kinda way.

Bigger posted 8/24/2020 04:06 AM

Jaybee2020

I love my wife but man are my insecurities off the wall like never before. She claims that she broke it off but at times i feel like her AP just lost interest.

These insecurities are what we all go through and thatís why I can 100% tell you that if you donít deal with them they will emotionally kill you and probably kill any chance you have of a good, happy marriage.

Go back to my post just above this one.
That is your blueprint.

Jaybee2020 posted 8/24/2020 08:44 AM

I am just struggling like most of you. This whole thing sucks. From feeling like on top of the hill you built to being lower than shit. I do my best to not spiral or to make let my mind wander but it is really hard.

I love my wife but man are my insecurities off the wall like never before. She claims that she broke it off but at times i feel like her AP just lost interest.

I wake up sometimes wondering why I even bother to move around. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness takes over. I sometimes wish she hadn't told me, as she could've gotten away from it, but then I feel stupid for thinking that lol.

Random vent I know, woke up feeling a certain kinda way.

Bigger posted 8/24/2020 08:53 AM

Jaybee - if you are going to paste the same post daily then I'm just going to copy/paste my reply to it:

Jaybee2020


I love my wife but man are my insecurities off the wall like never before. She claims that she broke it off but at times i feel like her AP just lost interest.

These insecurities are what we all go through and thatís why I can 100% tell you that if you donít deal with them they will emotionally kill you and probably kill any chance you have of a good, happy marriage.

Go back to my post just above this one. That is your blueprint.

Jaybee2020 posted 8/24/2020 10:24 AM

My bad bigger, I am not sure how I did that.

Some days are easier than others. I do appreciate your advice and eveyone else's. Its good to know that I'm not alone in my misery.

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