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5 months later, still in shock

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Jaybee2020 posted 8/17/2020 10:47 AM

GM, GE, o GN depending when you are reading this. I am a betrayed husband going through infidelity. I will do my best with the acronyms as best I can.

My wife and I met in April 2012, she had a kid, 4at the time. I was hesitant to date her for that reason but was able to eventually make it work. We lived paycheck to paycheck surviving out here. She eventually helped me get through trade school which allowed me to get a great paying job and begin to move forward. We talked about getting married but decided that we wanted to fix the credit and purchase a home first.

She and I just got married this past October in Vegas and had a blast. We both saved up a ton of money and went all out.

D-day, happened this past April 15, (5 days before my birthday). It still triggers me to think about that day. In the days leading up I noticed that she had been really upset, i even bought her CBD oil thinking that working from home had been stressing her out. But that morning before work she said to me that we need to talk when I get home. In my gut I somehow knew what she was going to say but I kept brushing it off telling myself that I am tripping or its my insecurities. Regardless, I rushed home as soon as I was done with work. Walked in the backyard with her and she confessed to having an A with someone at work (sorta). She was crying and was all over the place, begging me for forgiveness and stated that she wants us to do MC. She even wrote out her confession in a letter that she was going yo read off of (I still have it btw).

In that moment, I was flooded with lots of emotions all at once, anger, embarrassment, sadness, rage, despair etc. While tears uncontrollably rolled down my eyes I asked her if it was the guy I had seen in her work chat (since March she bad been working from home). She said yes, then I asked her if she had sex with him which she replied with yes. I can still get that ringing sound in my ears when I think about that. But in that moment I went full rage and kicked her out, to my surprise she had already had the car packed. She left for the rest of the day and I was left in the house to sob and imagine all the wasted time I gave my WW.

Later that night we started talking again and she eventually came back to the house. I began to grill her about her A and AP. I asked her when this started, she said February right before Valentines Day. She said that they talked at first then they started to make out then they had sex once right before they were sent home to work. She told me that was it and it ment nothing. That it was all physical. That she stopped it the next day (in March) and was going to keep it to herself but couldn't lie to me.

Well we went to a few MC sessions the next few weeks and things were (are) still very much raw. Sometime in May, I picked up her phone and decided to go through it. I somehow was able to pull up delete pictures on her phone. I found explicit pictures and several videos that she had sent this guy... in April. I even found a screenshot she deleted of when she told him it was over. The date was the day before she told me.

I went into what I describe as a panic, and woke up her. Mind you, this was at 2-3am when I found all this. She started to cry so hard and apologized over and over, saying that she never wanted me to see that because she knew it was going to be over for sure. I left that night and stayed somewhere. Whenever I returned I told her no more BS and to be upfront about the timeline. She conviently doesn't kno exact dates but said that she mostly gave him oral and had sex once then did some sexting. While at home. In MC and from other books and stuff I've gone through, I was warned not to get too much information but with what I know now really hurts my ego, pride, self esteem.

Her AP is a body builder, crazy handsome guy. While I'm balding and rocking a dad bod. However, I am happy to report that since January this year I had set out to loose weight and am currently down 80lbs. I wanted to look good for my WW, but when I found out in April it actually gave me ultimate motivation to stick to my diet lol
She states that she wants me and even the MC says that she is truly repentant. I just don't believe her story still. And i am incredibly angry with her. But most of all I am angry that I can't seem to let her go. I do love her that I can admit, but i feel like I just don't do it anymore for her.

Through MC, it came out that she was not happy with our arrangement, that she believed that money mattered more to me than her. She even said that she didn't think I would care about her A. I have learned that my WW is what the MC calls a withdrawaler. That she puts things in the back of her mind and ignores them. I can look back at our time together and see moments where I dismissed her feelings or where I really wasn't listening to her. But FT, I did not deserve this. I break my back everyday for her and her kid. I can see that she is really trying to make it up to me. She is doing things that ive never seen her do before. But when I start to spiral o get triggered its too much for her and she says at times that maybe we should split.

Again, idk why its hard for me to let her go. 5 months in and its still very raw for me. She gets overwhelmed and looses patients with me. In fact last night she apologized to me she says she can't be what I need her to be. I do love her, and I was trying not to rush into any major decisions just yet. It just hurts to know that even after someone else could have my wife in a way that I couldn't.

There are way more details and such, but i think this covers the jist of it

Mene posted 8/17/2020 11:04 AM

What do you want?

fooled13years posted 8/17/2020 11:43 AM

Jaybee2020

Her AP is a body builder, crazy handsome guy. While I'm balding and rocking a dad bod

You can say that he is this or that while I am the complete opposite. None of that matters. What truly matters is that, as your story does not confess it, a faithful husband who had taken on a single mother of a 4 year old only to have her cheat on you.

I second Mene's question; What do you want?

DictumVeritas posted 8/17/2020 11:53 AM

Can you continue your life with her, knowing the betrayal she is capable of?

Do the following exercise and be honest with yourself. Imagine your life without her. If you feel relief, it might be a path worth considering.

Okokok posted 8/17/2020 11:55 AM

What do you want?

Just thirding this, Jaybee.

Do you have a sense of what you want? If you think you want a divorce, there are steps you can begin taking. If you think want to reconcile with your wife, there are steps you can begin taking there, as well. Of course, in that second scenario, she has steps that *she* needs to take as well.

So yeah, what do you want? Knowing that you can't go back to the way things were before the affair, how would things look if you could have everything start going your way today?

Also, big question: is the AP married?

Hopeful30 posted 8/17/2020 11:59 AM

Recovery can take 3 to 5 YEARS, so 5 months is a drop in the bucket.
You are reeling from living a lie, what and who you thought your wife was/is are not true. It is very de-stabling.
Take your time. Read the healing library. You do not have to make any decisions now.
What made heR decide to end it and confess?
Remember, cheaters lie, and when she confessed she lied and left out information that would impact your decision making.
Are you in individual counseling? MC may be too soon. Your WW needs to fix what is wrong with her first, and you need to take care of you. Itís not the marriage that cheated, and it did not cause her to cheat and lie. There is something wrong with her.

HalfTime2017 posted 8/17/2020 12:02 PM

Did you report that MF at work? If your WW is so sorry for her deeds, she should report that MF at work, to appease you and get him out of there. Having them work together is an issue in your recovery.

I will say, most people catch their WWs, and the WW don't already have a written letter apologizing, and she came clean to you. This is not the case most of the time on here. Usually the H/W catches their partner. Your wife was already feeling bad, and came clean to you. That, at least to me, shows that she is further ahead then some of the WW here.

I say, get the job situation taken care of. Even though its quarantine right now and they don't see each other, what happens when they all go back to work? If you want to fix this, the WW has to either find a new job, or you report the OM, and get him shit canned. One of them needs to leave either way.

Now, if you want to D, than I say, don't mess with her job. You want her to be self supporting if you D.

I'm sorry that after you taking on this single mother, supported her and her daughter, she betrayed you. That is some shit ass behavior. Her excuse of being lonely or that you didn't care for her is bullshit. You were caring for her financially, and any adult would have realized that. These shitty spouses that say, they were either not getting enough attention, or its got boring is fucking horseshit. They don't tell you, but go and do stupid shit like this that damages the relationship beyond repair to get that little itch of their scratched. They have poor coping mechanisms, and poor communication skills. Don't blame yourself. If she felt neglected, she needed to speak up, not find other Dick to cope.

Jaybee2020 posted 8/17/2020 12:19 PM

Real quick, I am still trying to figure this site out guys so my bad if I don't respond "correctly"

I want to be with her but I am pissed and not sure if I will get passed it

Thumos posted 8/17/2020 12:41 PM

First, I'm very sorry for the pain you're in. Infidelity is special kind of shock and trauma and you need individual counseling for yourself to deal with it appropriately.

So her child is not yours. Not knowing the laws in your state, I cannot say for sure, and you'd need to check with an attorney -- but it's likely unless you legally adopted your child you may not be on the hook for child support if you divorce her.

Your best bet is going to see a family law attorney to see what your options are. Having lost 80 pounds and a now trimmer you with trade school behind you and solid employment, you probably have a lot more options among women than you think you do. And many of them are fine, quality women who would never do something like this to you.

So I second, third and quadruple what others have asked, which is what do you want? Is she truly worth your time any more? If you try to "reconcile" you're signing up for years of eating the shit sandwich. Having done this myself, I can tell you it's a very grueling experience. On the other hand, divorce has its own special challenges and pain. However, it does seem that on balance, most people who divorce earlier move on and heal more quickly.

Marital counseling is a completely useless exercise in these situations, and your MC doesn't have a clue about whether your wife is remorseful or not. Your MC sees it as his/her job to "patch up" the marriage. Well, your wife killed the marriage. She plugged two rounds in the head and buried it in a shallow grave. An MC will push for rugsweeping and will even enable blameshifting on to you. I speak from personal experience.

Your WW is also exhibiting some stereotypical patterns. Most of us can spot minimization a mile away. When a WW or WH says "only kissed" or "sex only one time" or "just oral" they are often minimizing. Not all the time, mind you, but most of the time. It is likely your WW is selling you a narrative that is inaccurate. The fact that she is already claiming only months out that she doesn't remember or know dates etc is a very bad sign. It's a huge red flag.

Also, I hate saying this, but it sounds like your WW simply was in lust for Mr. Bodybuilder. Don't over complicate this. The reasons for infidelity aren't all that difficult to suss out. It's an old sin that has been with humankind since the beginning. They understood it 5,000 years ago very well. They understood all about the lies, minimization, blameshifting, trickling out the truth, how a guilty party would try to flip the script and DARVO you (look it up). It's all ancient, primeval behavior. There's nothing new under the sun.

The fact is your WW saw an opportunity, she was attracted to him, she actively took steps to make it happen, and she thought you'd never find out. She gave herself to this man willingly. She took countless steps to betray you. She made the decision to lie to you countless times. She lied directly to your face countless times. She threatened your very physical health.

Now, as others have said, the good sign is she confessed to you before you found out. But that may have been because something was going to come out, or she was worried about something being revealed, so she too preemptive action to control the situation.

But there's no doubt that she locked you down as a provisioner for her as a single mom -- and once that was achieved, she looked around and found a hot side piece. This is no different from a man doing the same thing and taking his stable, loyal wife for granted while he lines up a 20/30something woman as his mistress. One has to ask whether this was the first time, or certainly whether it will be the last.

I don't say this to hurt you or cause you additional pain, but just to get you think about this all from an outside perspective. What would you tell a friend of yours who found himself in a similar situation?

Since you are probably not getting the full picture, it's very difficult to reconcile in the face of that. Trust has been shattered. To restore it, both full transparency and some kind of recompense in some form are required. Without transparency, no trust. Without trust, no reconciliation. And then you're just limping along in limbo. You already know what a version of limbo feels like 5 months out. Imagine another three years of this.

You can save yourself some time by probably just filing for divorce. But if you want to keep going with this, she will need to at the very least:

1. Submit to a full STD panel
2. Write out a detailed narrative timeline for you with names, dates and details.
3. Submit to a polygraph to verify the truth of the timeline.

Then and only then will you really have a better idea of what you're dealing with here and whether it's worth your time.

Is it worth your time? She is already heading for the hills and practicing avoidance, another bad sign. She's losing patience with you. She's blameshifting. Yet your MC wants you think she's remorseful. Really?

I do recommend what DicttumVeritas has said - visualize yourself without her, divorced from her. Take it even further and visualize yourself living in a dumpy apartment, driving a rust bucket car. Not that that will happen, but just visualize it. I did this, and felt tremendous relief. I wasn't overjoyed with this mental picture, but it gave me a sense of freedom and buoyancy. It wasn't because I don't love my wife or even find her companionship enjoyable. I do, even after everything. It's because she wasn't willing to go all the way with me and provide me with the full truth. And because she herself is a constant physical reminder.

When you think that through you might decide being without her is the better of two options.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:53 PM, August 17th (Monday)]

tushnurse posted 8/17/2020 12:42 PM

Welcome Jaybee to the best club you never wanted to be part of.
The first things you need to do to help you regain your bearings is to determine what you want/need if you R (reocncile) or D (divorce).

1. See an attorney - learn your rights, understand what a D will look like for you and understand all the implications for any choice you make.

2. Understand that you are in NO way responsible for your W's choices. She made a decision every day to communicate inappropriately. She made the choice to take it further. This has nothing to do w/ you. What you describe as her reasons... that's all bullshit. She did it because there is something broken w/in herself and until she owns that and starts getting into the real reasons she is not a safe partner, and likely to repeat the actions again.

3. This is incredibly stressful and a very real trauma. If you are struggling to sleep and eat, then you need to talk to your Dr. You also need to do therapy for yourself, and she needs therapy for herself. Your Dr can give you a referral for a therapist that specializes in trauma - not necessarily infidelity.
In addition you should stop MC Until your W is willing to own what she did and be truly remorseful. Healing from this should not be on her timeline. She needs to stop w/ the anger and frustration. She did this to you. If she is unwilling to support you instead of having a hissy fit and making you feel bad about struggling w/ it, then she isn't worthy of the gift of reconciliation.

3. Figure out exactly what you want if you were to R. If you want to D do it. If you are unsure what would be the breaking point to walk away, finding out that it never ended? Her restarting her A? Her having another one? Her not allowing you the time you need to heal?
Figure out what you are afraid of it you were to walk away. Yes you love her, but love does not make a happy M alone.
You also need to get STD tested.

Read the healing library. Read up on the 180 it may be beneficial for you right now.

notanotherchance posted 8/17/2020 13:02 PM

You met this woman with a 4 YO kid provided them with a stable home environment since 2012, held off getting M until Oct 2019 however everyday M issues were ignored & your were only married for seven months when she decided that the best way to address the M issues was to give her body builder CW a BJ & then have sex with him which totally helped the M issues.
How long has she worked with this CW I think you will find out more like more sex & more meet ups. She was missing him that's why she kept texting & sending pics up until she confessed, which was probably due to him rejecting her or threating to expose cause she couldn't meet up with him, or his GF or W intercepted the texts. Either way keep digging I think you will find more that may influence your decision.
Also when all this is ended and people can return to normal lives will she still working with her f..k buddy? What happens when she perceives another M issue will she have sex with another man to help the issues? Please get tested for STD's & have your WW do the same.
My opinion I would drop her like a hot potato, that's my opinion as per my username. Wish you luck my man sending strength

Buster123 posted 8/17/2020 13:20 PM

Again, idk why its hard for me to let her go. 5 months in and its still very raw for me. She gets overwhelmed and looses patients with me. In fact last night she apologized to me she says she can't be what I need her to be. I do love her, and I was trying not to rush into any major decisions just yet. It just hurts to know that even after someone else could have my wife in a way that I couldn't.

What you needed from her was to be faithful. I'm going to be practical, yes she confessed but you haven't been married that long and she has already cheated on you and exposed you to potentially life threatening STDs (you both need to get tested), you don't have any children together, she wants you to "get over it already", not a good candidate for R for a very long time, so I suggest you cut your losses now and file for D, the amount it would require to successfully R is hard it would take years with no guarantees, she's not even patient, plus this may even be a dealbreaker for you.

Again I suggest you file for D but If you decide to give R a chance here's a few of the basic steps that have stood the test of time:

1) FULL EXPOSURE: Nothing kills an A faster than full exposure with ALL family (start with her parents), close friends (for support) and with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any and WITHOUT warning (very important), work place As can easily resume and go deep underground, also exposure typically kills the "exciting, beautiful and romantic" expects of the A, the more she hates the A the more she will have POSOM and the less likely she will resume it or cheat again in the future.

2) She needs to offer full on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords FOREVER, no questions asked.

3) Demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), yes she was playing russian roulette with your health so have her do the walk of shame to the doctor's office.

4) Consult a D attorney to know your options, ask about a postnup in your favor in case she cheats again in the future (no alimony and she does not touch your retirement).

5) NC FOREVER with POSOM, this means one of them needs to quit if you cannot get POSOM to quit by threatening HR exposure then your WW needs to quit, no questions asked. I would also make her send another NC FOREVER text to POSOM threatening legal action if he tries to contact her again in the future, one text that you approve and watch her hit "send" (NO sweet goodbyes).

6) Forget MC and demand she goes to IC to find out her "whys".

7) She obviously has a problem with boundaries, have her read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, you can download it free on PDF, also "How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair" by Linda McDonald.

8) Demand she writes a complete written timeline of her A (subject to a polygraph), then make her read it out loud to you (it helps with remorse), make sure you record it and have some questions ready after she finishes reading it.

If she refuses to do any of the above, then file for D, D takes a long time and you can always stop it before it's final if she comes around, or not ! (by that time you may not want her back).

You need to take control of the situation, those who act decisively and swiftly typically have better and faster results, keep posting frequently, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script, the collective wisdom of SI can help you go through this difficult situation, we've seen it play out THOUSANDS of times here, others will chime in with more advice.

Jaybee2020 posted 8/17/2020 13:44 PM

Wow, thanks for the support guys. I am honestly glad I found this site. I actually do feel better just putting it out there. So I wanna address a few things that have come up.

1. We have tried to get an STD test but no one is doing them atm due to covid. We are in AZ.

2. I have all her PW and access to all her devices since this happened. She willingly turned them over.

3. Her AP is also married and I made her confront his wife and confess everything to her. He denied, idk what the state of their relationship is... idc

4. She is working from home but I told her that if we are to R then she will need to quit that job which she says she is willing too. I didn't think to report her AP but I might if she goes back
4.2 I am aware that we could not end up together in the end so I am telling her to leave on good terms in case of D.

5. I am not sure if this counts, but the MC we have been seeing is not to my knowledge tryin yo shift blame or anything. In fact we have gone on our own more times than together. I am new to the MC stuff so I am not sure if this is the right procedure.

6. Lastly, I have a "timeline" she gave me after I interrogated her. It seems like BS to me only bc it only involves sex once... which is hard for me to believe but she swears up and down. Where do I get a polygraph test at?

Dismayed2012 posted 8/17/2020 15:18 PM

"...she apologized to me she says she can't be what I need her to be."

All you needed was a monogamous partner. She couldn't be that for you. Maybe you should consider that she's giving you a glimpse of the future.

You should also get counseling to overcome your co-dependency.

Have you talked to her ex about why he dumped her? Could it be that she also cheated on him? Are her kids from one man or many? There had to be red flags waving here and there during your time with her.

At this point she's done you a favor by revealing who she really is. It's now in your best interest to believe who and what she's shown you. Hopefully now that you've been introduced to the real person, you can make a logical decision with regard to your future. Is she going to make you happy into the future or is she going to betray you again and bring you pain and drama. Are you willing to live with the emotional triggers, anger, humiliation, and pain that she's brought to you already? Is this how you want your life to proceed?

When you choose a mate, the idea is to choose someone who's going to be faithful to you, support you, and build you up; someone who will never do you harm. The woman you've chosen is not that person. Notice that when things get tough she resorts to "maybe we should split". She's a quitter and she'll end up quitting on you with another man again. You made a mistake but you've been given this short window of opportunity to get out of it.

This is your life. Your WW has made her choices. Now it's your turn to make yours. You have more value than she does. You have a great career and life ahead of you if you value yourself enough to cut people out who negatively affect it. This life is about you now. Choose what's best for you. Some choices are going to be painful, but the pain will eventually give way to contentment, success, and happiness. I wish the best for you.

Buster123 posted 8/17/2020 17:22 PM

I am not sure if this counts, but the MC we have been seeing is not to my knowledge tryin yo shift blame or anything. In fact we have gone on our own more times than together. I am new to the MC stuff so I am not sure if this is the right procedure.

At this time MC is typically just a waste of time and money, she willingly made the choice to cheat and have sex with POSOM, so she owns the adultery 100%, problems in the M you own 50/50, you were in the same M but did't cheat (see the difference?). Instead of MC, she should do IC by herself to try to find out her "whys" and address her issues, you may try IC to deal with the trauma caused by infidelity.
Lastly, I have a "timeline" she gave me after I interrogated her. It seems like BS to me only bc it only involves sex once... which is hard for me to believe but she swears up and down. Where do I get a polygraph test at?

Not likely and especially when it comes to workplace As, if you read here long enough you will find that the "sex only once/didn't mean anything" and "we just kissed" answers are probably on the top 5 lies told by cheaters.
You can google it and read the reviews in your area, if you live in a small town, check the big cities and their suburbs. Typically you only get to ask between 4 and 5 questions but she doesn't know that so you might want to make a list of 15 or 20 and her, tell her the M hangs in the balance and that they will be subject to the polygraph, be prepared for a possible "parking lot confession" but still go through with the test.

Thumos posted 8/17/2020 17:39 PM

Lastly, I have a "timeline" she gave me after I interrogated her. It seems like BS to me only bc it only involves sex once... which is hard for me to believe but she swears up and down. Where do I get a polygraph test at?

Is this a DETAILED, WRITTEN document or has she just said "I've told you everything."

Writing it down in detail (and I mean pages and pages of detail) does several things:

1. It makes her commit to paper in black and white something that is truly ugly. The more she writes down, the more she will realize how ugly and toxic it is.

2. It dispenses with the "which lie did I tell?" phenomenon. Verbal conversations make it easy to elide, slide and hide information over time. Committing it to writing means you can cross check with what she's been telling you or might try to tell you.

3. It provides a data point to measure against a polygraph. Once they know you are going to test the truthfulness of what they've written against a polygraph, psychic pressure is exerted to come clean. This doesn't work all of that time, but it works often enough it's worth doing.

Thumos posted 8/17/2020 17:42 PM

It seems like BS to me only bc it only involves sex once... which is hard for me to believe but she swears up and down.

It seems like BS because it usually is. Your beautiful mind has processed this and finds it unlikely. Is it possibly true? Yes. Is it PROBABLY true? No.

As for where to find polygraph examiners, they are everywhere and the infidelity trade is a new goldmine for them since adultery seems to be exploding everywhere. Find one with a good reputation and a law enforcement background. If you can find a betrayal trauma specialist (an individual counselor who specializes in dealing with infidelity and sex addiction) in your area, they will often recommend a good polygraph examiner.

baller20 posted 8/17/2020 20:12 PM

She conviently doesn't kno exact dates but said that she mostly gave him oral and had sex once
Is this a typical PA where AP's main role is to give oral pleasure?

baller20 posted 8/17/2020 20:15 PM

I mean it sounds a bit unusual..

baller20 posted 8/18/2020 02:33 AM

.. like some kind of narcissist codependent behaviour. If true that WW was only (mostly) giving oral, while sex (intercourse) was a ("single") exception.

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