SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Forgive me because I may just ramble, but I just had a thought or maybe a realization.

For those who were a victim/survivor of CSA did you find yourself having an aversion to physical touch from someone older than you?

Backstory (trigger): when I was a young girl 6-12ish I would have to go to my aunt/uncle's house before and after school. My uncle was always getting fired so he was the main adult home for me. Every time I entered the door he would "playfully" hit me, it first started like around my arms but then moved. He would always hit me on my chest and then eventually moved down between my legs. I would try to avoid it but didn't think any of it. I honestly don't remember how old I was when the big assault happened.

We were the only ones in the house. I was upstairs while he was downstairs on the computer. He called me down and asked for a favor. He was playing a computer game of golf and needed some luck. Yes, he actually said that. He had me kneel down beside him and took out a handkerchief. He told me to put my hand on his leg while he tied the fabric around us. He told me to rub his leg to bring him luck in the game. I don't remember how long I did it or if he got off. I do remember quickly going upstairs once it was done and scrubbing my hands raw in the sink. Later that night while in the kitchen, he gave me the typical line. He's standing there cutting up hotdogs and said "you know you can't tell anyone about what happy because they won't believe you." He was right. After that day, I made sure that he couldn't touch me when I walked through the door. I made sure that I was always away from him.

Now for the realization. I'm watching the Jeffrey Epstein documentary on Netflix, and something clicked. After the abuse, I didn't like being touched by older people, even my mom. I would feel so uncomfortable when she would sit next to me or try to touch me (hug me or give me a kiss). I would try to make it very quick. I was even like that with my grandma. My dad isn't a physical man, so I didn't feel that way with him. This whole time, I just thought I was an asshole of a daughter who didn't want to be around my mom, but could it be because subconsciously I didn't want an older person touching me again because of what happened??

It could be that, or it could be that the child in you didn't understand why she wasn't protecting you. The logical side of you may say well she didn't know, so it wasn't her fault, but hidden deep in there could be that child saying "hey she's my mom, she should have known."

It definitely could have been that.

Even on her deathbed she couldn't acknowledge her lack of help. She still insisted that I was making it up and what was she supposed to do, break up her family?

I don’t like being touched by anybody. I can almost literally feel spikes forming in my skin, lol. I especially can’t stand anyone touching my back or shoulders., and it has caused some awkward moments at work. Because my immediate reaction is to twist or pull away, spin around and sometimes draw my fist to punch. I’ve been able to tone my response down to just cringing and moving away from the touch, and most people who know me are aware of that quirk of mine now.

The sexual abuse affected me in so many ways. Sex is still very complicated for me, even after almost 24 years of M.

Getting sober in 2008 and the years of IC, then our S and eventual true R has led to much healing. But I don’t think I’ll ever be completely healed.